New Year Blessings

I know lots of happy people, and I know lots of unhappy people. Regardless of which one you may be, I think for many of us, 2010 is a year that can't end quick enough. Much of this is due to an economy that is still in a tail spin. In my relatively brief 49 years, I can't remember a time when more people that I know personally, and in the course of my ministry, are unemployed. Of course, there are the normal hurts, disappointments, frustrations, and failures found in everyone's life. Maybe you are depressed due to unemployment and financial pressure, grieving the loss of a loved one or some other loss, weighed down by concerns for one or more family members, or any number of reasons why you are glad 2010 is about to end.
I want to share a word from God that I hope will encourage you as we begin 2011. It was written during a very dark, depressing, and difficult time in the lives of God's people. It comes from one of the saddest books of the Bible, Lamentations (even the name communicates great despair!). Yet as bad as things were when it was written, it is a book that conveys a message of hope. Not a blind, put your head in the sand kind of hope. It is a gritty, "don't ignore how bad things are" hope. The word from God I want you to ponder is found in chapter 3, verses 22-25:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning, great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, therefore I will hope in him." The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.
You may have a hard time believing this right now, that's ok, so did many of the people who saw nothing but suffering when these words were first given. Know that there is hope, and this hope is found in God. If you are a follower of Christ, then the Lord is your portion. You are an object of his love and mercy, and they are new every morning. Tomorrow morning is the beginning of a new year, wait for him and he will deliver.
New Year Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Please Forgive Me, I Said "Christmas"

National Public Radio legal correspondant Nina Totenberg was recently part of a round table discussion about the federal budget. She then mentions in passing that attended an event at the Department of Justice, and sought to apologize for it and what it was called. So what kind of party was this? What Totenberg into the headlines was her comment that “I was at – forgive the expression – a ‘Christmas party’ at the Department of Justice, and people were really worried about this.” She then continued with the comments she was making. She didn’t make air quotes around “Christmas party,” but it sounds like she was tempted.
My, my, how shameful that she would allow the word Christmas to be uttered by her politically correct, diversity celebrating, liberal mouth. It never ceases to amaze me that the same liberals who talk about diversity never allow for the traditional, Christian point of view. It is ok to be part of any other religious or non-religious point of view, but not the Christian view. You can mention Happy Chanukkah, Happy Kwanza, have a happy Ramadan, but not Christmas.
The other point here is that she seems to be dismissive of people who might actually enjoy going to a Christmas party. I mean how awlful to celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace, to celebrate a season about giving and caring. Well Nina Totenberg, I want to wish you a MERRY CHRISTMAS without reservation or apology!
Christmas Blessings,
Dr. Paul

A Tale of Two Seasons

Christmas is a wonderful season of the year. Family, friends, carols, gifts, decorations, they all bring joy and blessings. But for some people, this is a tough time of year. If you are alone, or estranged from one or more family members, when you see all of the emphasis on family and togetherness, it is harder to keep yourself distracted from the reality of your situation. You don't even have to turn on the Hallmark Channel to be faced with sappy Christmas stories highlighting love, family, and togetherness. I remember meeting with someone a few years ago who would always go into a dark depression starting with Thanksgiving and not ending until the New Year. His marriage was struggling, he was estranged from most of his children, so for him, the contrast between what others had and what he didn't have was very stark.
Many of us have lost a loved one during this time of year. If this is the case for you, then Thanksgiving and Christmas remind you of that loss. And because of what this season represents, it makes the loss of your loved one at this time of year even tougher to deal with.
Am I writing this to be a Christmas kill joy? No, I am looking forward to celebrating Christmas with my family. But I am also going to be praying harder for those who find this a tougher time of year. I want to reach out to them as well. Do you know someone who is hurting? Invite them over, or do something to let them know that you care. It may just be the very best gift you give this Christmas.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Tis The Season

Tis the season for disparaging God and people of faith. At a time of year when the majority of Americans, even non-Christians, recognize Christmas, once again we have religious Grinches working hard to insult people of faith. Let me share three examples, in case you think I am simply a minister overstating the case.
Our first example comes from my home town, the City of Philadelphia. For the last three years the city has allowed a company to set up a Christmas Village similar to those found in Germany to sell items. Various vendors set up their shops and there is a festive atmosphere to the event. This year, the city managing director ordered the removal of the word “Christmas” from the large sign welcoming people, so now there is a blank space and just the word “Village.” When asked why, he said that he did not want to offend people of other religions, and there were vendors of other religious faiths present. When Channel 6 news interviewed people of various faiths, and even non-Christian vendors, no one had a problem with the sign. With all of the problems faced by City of Brotherly Love, is the word Christmas really all that important to remove? Is there no brotherly love for people of faith?
Now let’s turn to the hallowed halls of the Smithsonian Institution in Washington DC. Recently you would find an exhibit which depicts Jesus being eaten by a swarm of ants. This, of course, in the name of art. When people started to express outrage at such an offensive depiction of Jesus, the Smithsonian said no public funds were used to pay for the display. No public funds? Are you kidding me? How about my taxes which pay for the heat, the electricity, the personnel, etc. Thankfully, the display has now been removed.
Lest you think this just an East coast phenomena, let's go to Tacoma, Washington where a high school football playoff game was held on Monday between East Valley and Tumwater. A player was flagged in the endzone for doing something millions of Americans do every day, he offered a brief prayer of thanks to God. Like he's done so many times this season, Tumwater star running back Ronnie Hastie powered his way into the end zone then dropped to a knee and pointed to the sky."It's just something I do every time I get in the end zone to honor my Lord cause I play for him, I give him the glory cause he's the one that gives me the strength," said Hastie.Except this time, the referee flagged Hastie for unsportsmanlike conduct, a 15 yard penalty. When you see some of the rediculous displays of NFL players when they score a touchdown, is a boy dropping to one knee and thanking God really unsportsmanlike. Seems pretty humble to me.
So there you have it, tis the season for hostility toward God and people of faith, well, actually, toward Jesus and people of faith who are Christians. Think I am eggagerating? Imagine if any of these examples involved Judaism, or Islam, or Buddhism, or any other faith. The left and the media would be screaming intollerance, bigotry, and a failure to appreciate diversity. Something to think about.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Want to be Happier? Part 2

In my last blog I mentioned a secular study which demonstrates that people are happier in church than in the mall. Let's take a look at what the Bible says about why this is so. The other week I was reading the book of Isaiah and came upon this passage in chapter 55: Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not break, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live.
God is making an incredible statement to us. We can receive from Him food and drink that will truly satisfy us. How? By meeting the deepest needs of our lives, the need of our soul. I can't tell you how many depressed people I meet in the course of my day, not just in counseling, but in my travels to the Wawa, the gas station, among my neighbors. People just gritting their teeth to get though the work week, living for the weekend, or the next buzz to drown their sorrows. God is offering us something much more satisfying and profound, delight at the deepest level of our being, our soul.
How do I know material things are not where it is at when it comes to ultimate satisfaction? Because we are never satisfied. You get a Lexus, and then you see a BMW, so you get that car. And then comes a Ferrari, and you decide you just have to get that instead. And so it goes. Plus, stuff breaks, falls apart, needs to be maintained. And even if you keep it in good condition, someone comes and steals it. Many products do come with a warranty. I even bought something the other day with a "life time warranty." That's great, but I can show you something even better, an eternal guarantee. Look at the next thing God says in Isaiah 55:
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant. Everlasting, that means forever! No wonder people are happier in church compared to the mall!
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Want to Be Happier? Skip the Mall and Go to Church!

We all know that money can't buy happiness, just talk to some of the wealthy people who come to me for counseling. A new study out of Ben-Gurion University in Israel has found that, especially among women, spending money makes us much less happy than going to church. The study looked at shopping habits compared to participation in religious activities over the last 30 years.
The study used data collected by the Univesity of Chicago's National Opinion Research Council which conducts a "General Social Survey" annually or biannually. They collect information from a sample of adults on their level of happiness. Looking at adults who lived in states where "blue laws" (laws that prohibit commercial activities on Sundays) had been repealed between 1973 and 1988, they looked at the happiness levels of adults who reported regular church attendance. Women especially experienced a sharp decline in church attendance and their happiness levels over the course of the 25 year post-blue law period. The data shoed that blue law repeals decreased the level of happiness by at least 17%, but for people who remained active in church, their happiness level stayed the same. The researchers ruled out the possibility that the declines in happiness were related to other issues like family issues or having to work on Sundays.
What can we take from this study? I have a couple of suggestions. First, God instituted a day of rest for very good reasons. We all need a break from the rat race of life and time to reconnect with the people who are closest to us. Second, God instituted a day of rest for us to honor our Creator. We all need the benefit of corporate worship to reconnect with God and each other. The study actually found that for each point increase in church attendance, self-reported happiness increased by 10.7%! Third, do your best to avoid shopping, going to the mall, etc. on Sundays. This can be tough when you work full time and the weekend is the only chance for running errands and shopping. The study's authors suggest that people institute their own "blue laws" to designate one day of the week as a no shopping day (and let's include on-line shopping as well).
Going to church may not give you the immediate gratification you can get from shopping, but in the long run, you will be happier, and you won't have to worry about credit card debt!
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Communication in Marriage

One of the most important building blocks of any marriage is communication. And it can also be one of the most frustrating parts of marriage. The wife says that her husband just doesn't understand her, and the husband says his wife just doesn't understand him. He says she talks too much, and she says he doesn't talk enough. Let me share one of the most helpful verses in the Bible on what makes effective communication. It is found in Ephesians 4:29 and says, Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such as word as is good for edification, according to the need of the moment, that you may give grace to those who hear you.
Let's break this verse down phrase by phrase. Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth tells us to avoid using words that negative, foul, hurtful. Cursing, demeaning words that tare down your spouse are often said in anger, in the heat of the moment, but can do a lot of harm. Conversely, we need to use only words that are good for edification. To edify is to build up, encourage, strengthen, or help the other person. So ask yourself the question, do my words tare down or build up, discourage or encourage my spouse?
God's word gives us two more important principles. Our speech must take into account timing, according to the need of the moment. Timing can make all the difference. Having a serious discussion when you and your spouse are tired, sick, under a lot of stress or pressure can all contribute to miscommunication. For example, my wife knows that after a long day of ministry I need some time to unwind, so it is best to wait an hour or so before we have a serious discussion. The last point is that you give grace to those who hear you. Grace can refer to communicating forgiveness when your spouse wrongs you in some way. Grace can also refer to your tone, where you communicate with graciousness, not harshly. Third, grace can refer to the giving of blessing to the person who you communicate.
Take some time to think through the principles God gives us in this verse. Ask your spouse how he/she thinks you are doing in each of these areas, and make a commitment to change the way you talk to the most important person in your life next to God.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Religion in America

The Pew Research Center just released the results of their "U.S. Religious Knowledge Survey" and it paints a pretty bleak picture. It found that Americans are incredibly ignorant of their own religion. In fact, it found that atheists know the most about religion, followed by Jews, Mormons, and then evangelical Protestants! Fewer than half of American Catholics are able to name Genesis as the first book of the Bible. Only 28% of evangelical Protestants know that the Bible teaches salvation through faith alone, and only a slight majority of Catholics can identify their church's doctrine on communion. Less than half of Protestants know that Martin Luther inspired the Reformation, but 70% of Jews know that fact.
The survey also reveals how much Americans misunderstand what the Constitution teaches about restrictions on religion. This is something I have dealt with repeatedly over the years as my children attended public school from 7th through 12th grades. Only 36% of survey respondents knew a public school teacher may teach a comparative religion class, and only 23% knew that a teacher may teach the Bible as literature. Yet the Supreme Court has ruled teachers may do both.
Knowing the Bible not only provides understanding of God's view of life and life eternal, but a host of other issues. Theology is all about knowing what God says about who He is, who you are, and how you can live as a child, spouse, parent, employer, employee, etc. If you have a question about what is moral, what is true, what is false, what matters most, you can find that in the Word of God. To neglect the knowledge of God through His word is to misundestand eveything that can bring blessing your life.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

My Greatest Frustration in Marriage Counseling

If there is one thing that frustrates me as I work with couples, it is when a husband does nothing but complain about his wife, and the wife does nothing but complain about him. Everything said is about the problems, short comings, and failures of the other person. The pronouns used aren't I or me, but he, she, you. Obviously when a couple comes to see me in counseling, things have reached a level of difficulty you may not have reached. But how much do you focus on the problems with your spouse, and how much do you focus on you own contributions to the struggles in your relationship?

Jesus talked about our natural tendency to spend more time looking at what the other person is doing to cause a problem but ignore our own contribution to the problem. In Matthew 7:3-5 He says, "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. about the speck in the other person's eye." The message of Jesus is clear, put your emphasis on what you need to work on, and what is happening in your own heart first.

Are you in a relationship that is struggling? Do you find yourself increasingly focused on the faults and failures of the other person. Are you frustrated with your inability to change him/her? The only person you can change is yourself. And changing yourself means seeking God's power to work on your heart. Here is a prayer from God's word that can make a difference as it puts the emphasis on what God can do in your life: "Search me O God, and know my heart, try me and know my anxious thoughts, and see if there be any hurful way in me, and lead me in your everlasting way," Psalm 139:23-24.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Weddings in 2009 at a Record Low

According to the United States Census Bureau, weddings for people 18 and older dropped to the lowest point in over a hundred years. The number of people getting married in 2009 dropped to a record low with only 52% of those 18 and older saying they were married. This compares to 57% in 2000. Marriage rates have been declining for years due to the rise in divorce and the increase in unmarried couples living together. Regarding marriage among adults 25 to 34, 46.3% reported that they had never married, It is the first time that the share of unmarried young adults exceeded the 44.9% who are married. Demographers believe that the current economic downturn may be causing more younger adults to postpone marraige as many struggle to find work and resist making long term commitments. Mark Mather of the Population Reference Bureau states, "Given the scope of the recent recession, many more couples are likely to chose cohabitation over marraige in the coming years."
So given the financial pressure people are facing, why not live together first? Doesn't make sense to save money on rent by living together? And with the high divorce rate, should we try things out and make sure we are compatible before committing to marriage?
This makes sense to a lot of people, but the research on marriage does not support these ideas. Couples who wait to be married before being sexually active or living together have a significantly lower divorce rate compared to couples who live together first. Studies also consistently show that couples who live together have more problems with conflict resolution, agreeing on major issues they face, and financial unity compared to couples who marry first before living together or being sexually active. Most surprising to many people, couples who marry first report having a better sexual relationship than those who live together or have sex outside of marriage. Why? I believe the reason for this comes down to the significance of the unconditional committment a couples makes when they get married first. The couple getting married first are basicially saying that regardless of how you perform sexually, or how much money you make, or anything else I learn about you once we live together, I am committed to you unconditionally. This removes a lot of the pressure and insecurity couples who cohabitate have to deal with. If you are thinking of living together to try things out first, you are short changing your relationship and increasing the chance of failure.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Your Marriage and Spiritual Warfare

The Bible teaches that Christians face something called spiritual warfare. There are a number of places that talk about this. The Bible says that our enemies are the world, the flesh, and the devil. In Ephesians 6, the Bible teaches that we do not wrestle just against flesh and blood, but against powers, principalities, against spiritual forces of wickedness in heavenly places. Peter writes in 1 Peter 5:8. “Be sober minded, be watchful. Your adversary, the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” This comes across to some people, even Christians, as a unusual, mysterious, even spookey. I believe this not only because the Bible teaches it, but I have seen the results of it in my own life.
Something that no one writes about or talks about is the issue of spiritual warfare in the Christian marriage. I believe spiritual warfare is found in the marriages of believers. Why do I say this? First, since spiritual warfare is experienced in the life of the individual Christian, it follows that when you bring two Christians together in a relationship, and in this case, in the intimate relationship of marriage, that it will be present there as well. Second, since marriage is the first institution started by God for human society, even before the church, it makes this a special target of Satan. If he can destroy marriages, he can cause tremendous damage to the family and to society as a whole. If you are a Christian, he can create even more damage to the family of God. And if you are a Christian leader, then you can hurt the churches and ministries where these leaders serve. Third, when I talk to Christian couples in marriage counseling, including pastors and missionaries, the hardest things for couples to do together is pray. Prayer is one of the key practices of the Christian life, and is listed as one of two offensive weapons we can use in our fight against Satan (the other is the Bible, also called the sword of the spirit).
So if I am correct in asserting that spiritual warfare is found in the Christian marriage, what should we do about it? Let me suggest a couple of ideas. Knowing that your marriage is a target of the Evil One should increase your awareness of the spiritual aspects of your marriage. Second, improving the spiritual practices that will strengthen the spiritual side of your marriage are important to fighting off your enemy. James 4:7 gives us a tremendous promise, "Resist the devil and he will flee from you." Think about competing in a wrestling match. What would you do to prepare for it? Practice various moves, do physical conditioning, and learn about your opponent. In the same way you need to strengthen your spiritual muscles. Prayer, studying the Bible, worship, and doing these things with your spouse are ways to fortify the spiritual side of your marriage. Be confident that if you will resist the devil and the tempations he attempts in your marriage, he WILL flee from you.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Facebook Affairs

During the past year I have had a number of sad counseling sessions with a married person whose spouse got involved in an affair. These are always gut wrenching, heart breaking sessions. What makes some of these examples stand out is it is what I and other marriage counselors refer to as "facebook affairs." These marriage break-ups involved a spouse meeting someone on facebook who eventually becomes a lover. A prominent divorce attorney was recently quoted in the Philadelphia Inquirer who said that about 50% of the divorces he handles involve a spouse having an affair that involve Facebook. Think about that for a minute, 50%!
I want to be careful here not to put the blame on Facebook itself. It is a great way to connect with friends and family. And it isn't going anywhere in the near future. Obviously, there were problems in the people and marriages involved in these Facebook afairs. The problem is that Facebook makes it a lot easier to connect with people without having to travel anywhere or meet in person. A lot of the afairs also involve people connecting with old flames or people from a person's past, grade school, college, etc. There is often an innocent curiosity that leads to wanting to find out more about that attractive blonde or that good looking guy from your past. How do they look now, where has life taken them, etc. It also seems easier for a lot of people to flirt on Facebook when they would be more shy about it in person. And then there is the 24/7 opportunity to send messages or chat.
So how do we avoid a Facebook afair? First and foremost, work at making your marriage work. A strong relationship with your spouse is the best way to make your marriage affair-proof. Couples of all ages who are happily all give the same number one reason why this true for them. The number one reason they report is "my spouse is my best friend." Is that true for you and your spouse?
Second, give each other your Facebook account name and password so that you can both look at what is taking place your news feeds, profiles, messages, etc. I would also suggest that you tell each other who your new friends are and if there are any reservations, drop that person as a friend. Avoid accepting past romantic interests as friends. Have a policy of openness with each other's facebook accounts.
Third, make sure you spend more time talking to each other directly, and doing things with each other, compared to the amount of time you spend on Facebook or other computer activities. A big warning sign is if your spouse stays up later than your normal bed time spending time on Facebook. This is a common thread in many of the examples I have counseled. If your spouse is evasive about what they are doing, or who they are communicating with, you should be concerned.
Fourth, when you go on Facebook, do it when you are with your spouse. My wife and I are usually in the same room and in line of sight when we spend time on Facebook. Talk about what you are saying and doing, and with whom.
Finally, if you wouldn't say something flirty or provocative with someone in person, don't say it on Facebook. Keep the same standards of morality and propriety you would have in any other context. Be the same person in private that you are in public.
Facebook is nothing more than a tool to communicate with others. Just be discerning about what you say, and to whom you say it.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Back to School

This time of year is always as time of mixed emotions. On the one hand, we as parents are happy to see our children make progress in learning, and experience new challenges and opportunities. On the other hand, it is hard to let go. Each year in school means another step closer to the teen years, graduation, college, or career. This has been a tough year for me personally. My sons are now both in college. This means we no longer have any kids left in our local school district. My youngest is now away at school. On top of that, my daughter is engaged and is preparing for marriage in the spring. She is home for her first year of graduate school. For the first time, I am the only male in my house! This means a few changes in addition to missing my sons. When it comes to TV show choices (from shows like Dealiest Warrior, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Pawn Stars to Say Yes to the Dress, Halmark movies, Bridezillas, etc), food served (my wife is moving away from making more meat and potatoes oriented food to all kinds of exotic recipes), target shooting now takes place by myself, or with a friend. When we left the boys at Liberty University, I even showed a some emotion, and it was a quiet ride for the first hour. However, at this stage of parenting, I am very thankful. None of the teenage year horror stories have been experienced in our home. No, Phyllis and I aren’t perfect parents, nor do we have perfect kids. Yes, we have had plenty of challenges to work through (and continue with even now). But seeing God honor the priorities I established is something I would not trade for anything. After my relationship with God, and my wife, was being a Dad for my three children. EVERYTHING else, including ministry, came after that. As you begin a new school year, regardless of whether your child is starting pre-school or kindergarten, or even high school, know that God is faithful. Know that the investment you make in your children will make a difference in their lives, and in yours.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

The Negative Impact of Long Term Unemployment

The Pew Research Center just completed a survey of the long term unemployed. They found that long-term unemployment takes a much greater toll on a person's emotional state, finances and career prospects as compared to short-term unemployment.
For the study, 2,967 adults were interviewed and of that group, 810 were either currently unemployed, or were jobless for at least some period of time since December of 2007. Those who had been unemployed for at least six months had experienced higher levels of "major change" in their lives as a result of the recession than those who had been unemployed for less than six months.
The study showed several areas of life that are impacted by a long period of joblessness.
Let's start with the obvious. Those who had been unemployed longer (six months or more) saw more of a decline in their family income, with 56 percent seeing a decline compared to 42 percent who had been unemployed for less than three months. Even those who had not had any break in their employment reported a 26 percent drop in their household income in the past 18 months.
But the study found other impacts as well. Strained family relations and loss of contact with close friends were reported at a higher rate by those who had been jobless for six months or more. And in terms of career goals, over 43% of the long-term unemployed said the recession has had a "big impact" on their ability to achieve their long-term career goals. Finally, the study found a significant emotional impact to long term unemployment. Those who had been unemployed for longer periods of time were more likely to report that they were struggling with such issues as loss of self respect, doubt about being in the right career, lowered expectations and feeling pessimistic about the future.
Do you know someone who is unemployed for the long haul? This is a wonderful opportunity to reach out to that person with the love of Christ. Are you someone who has been unemployed for the long haul? Don't isolate yourself from family and friends, reach out to your local church for help, and know that you are not alone. God cares for you!
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Haiti Conference as the Pastor's Saw It

The other week I received an email from Frantz Morisset, a Haitian pastor from the US who helped us with translation and coordinating small groups for the pastor's conference earlier this summer. I was greatly encouraged by the comments expressed by these pastor's who are serving in such a needy place, and who have suffered so much. Here are some of their thoughts:

"This conference comforted me... It challenged me to help my community and my country... I am now more committed to comfort not only members of my own church but to go beyond... Thank you Lord, you have sent me what I truly needed."

"I was satisfied with my work and concern for church members before the conference... Now I see the need to love, to love more for a truly biblical ministry... I will assist the members of my church in a better way and be available to answer their questions."

Thanks! Thanks CHC [Churches Helping Churches]! I was so discouraged seeing my future... that of my family... ihave a better understanding of God and natural disaster... Good to see there are people who love me... I need help for my family... they are suffereing and I cannot help much... I was alone but now I see there are people who think of me... Thanks."

"This conference challenges me to have more love, more tolerance, and more compassion for others. As I reflect on theh love of the teachers for us, Haitians, it challenges me to do the same... Thanks."

“New vision for love, hope… More commitment to implant new churches and get involved with my team in tent ministries and assistance to victims.”

“This conference should continue through the country… It offers great opportunity to spread the gospel and help pastors who find it difficult to answer to the needs of the times.”

“I am definitely better equipped to face actual problems… Thanks for the American brothers who came in these difficult times… Thanks.”

“It was a good time of reflection… I have learned new ways to handle problems efficiently… how to listen to those suffering… My faith has been strengthened"

“I have been suffering much… headaches, unjustified fatigue, stress… At least this week I am really strong… The Spirit of the LORD is with me… Please do more of this kind of retreat.”

“Can’t wait to share with my friends… I became a de facto counselor on trauma for my church… Now I am better equipped… need to have more for young people…”

“Very relevant… Timely… Thank you CHC, STEP and others. I did not understand what had happened in Port-au-Prince, being from the South... I learned much about ministry in critical times… in time of natural disasters. Thanks to the American team.”

I have many more pages of comments like these, but you get the picture. May these comments encourage you to pray for the pastors and the people of Haiti. For those of you who supported this outreach with your prayers and gifts, may you be encouraged to see how God used this strategic conference.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Marriage is Good for Your Brain

I bet I got your attention with this title! The British Medical Journal reports that researchers in Finland have come to this very conclusion. They found that people who are widowed or divorced at midlife and remain single have a greater risk of Alheimer's Disease compared to people in that age group how are married. Being single and never married at midlife is also a factor. The researchers suggest that having a spouse provides additional mental and social challenges that stimulate the brain and delay the onset of dementia. I have my own thoughts on this matter. I believe that having kids has the opposite effect, it increases the chances of dementia. My wife and I are convinced that we both lost brain cells with the birth of each of our children, and the effects of this are very prominent during their teen years!
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Too Much Time On-Line?

Recently Gordon College did a study of Christian students regarding the amount of time they spent on social networking sites. They found that 54% confessed to "neglecting some important areas of their lives" due to spending too much time on a social networking site. 13% believe they are addicted to some form of electronic activity. I had to chuckle when I read this because of the reaction of my daughter when we came home from graduating college recently. My wife and I were both sitting in our family room with the TV on, but we were both on our individual lap top computers on Facebook. She, like many college age people, are appalled that old people like my wife and I are on FB. But she was also amazed at how these scene looked with both parents glued to their computers, sitting about a foot away from each other.
Are we eADDICTS? I don't think so, but we probably spend a little too much time on FB. It is healthy, however, to step back and consider just how much time you are spending on your computer, and on social networking sites. Let me encourage you to keep a log of how much time you are spending on the computer verses other activities in your day. You might be surprised at how much time you do spend on it.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

God Works Beyond What We Ask or Think

During our ministry in Haiti, God showed me again how He works in ways that often go beyond what we ask or think. We faced a number of challenges during this trip, one of the biggest being the fact that container shipped by Churches Helping Churches never arrived. That meant a lot of last minute work to accomodate the pastors participating in the conference (buying 200 air mattresses, setting up tents, turning the main teaching room into a dorm, etc.). In spite of these challenges, Dr. Jean Dorlus, President of the Seminary, told us that, "this is the best conference we've ever had." Churches Helping Churches director, Thomas Kim, shares his thoughts on why:
Personal spiritual renewal: It is relatively easy to put together a gathering that results in intellectual enrichment. But this wasn’t our goal. We were praying for God to bring healing to pastors’ afflictions as they opened up. The first evening, one of the pastors shared in tears about the loss of his son and daughter. At one point in the conference, one of the most respected church leaders in the country stood in front of 200 peers and confessed a personal sin committed just the day before. The S.T.E.P. faculty later told me this never happens in Haiti. This kind of vulnerability and brokenness does not get crafted by human hands. God was clearly at work.
Practical equipping: I will never forget this sentence that was repeated before and during the conference: “You already have more than you know to counsel those in need. You have the gospel.” Many pastors came thinking they would receive new skills to put in their toolkit, but instead, they learned how to practically use the one they already had.
Revitalized vision and passion: The final day, we gave an opportunity for pastors to come and share final words. Pastor Ford Estima, a leader of leaders, started off, “For me to say how much this week helped me would diminish its value.” After a few more words, he finished by looking directly at the teaching team from the U.S. who challenged and encouraged the Haitian pastors throughout the week. Estima exclaimed, “What you asked for, you will get it!” The entire room burst into both laughter and agreement.
It wasn't until the plane ride home that I realized one of the most important ways God showed up. I met a reporter and photographer from CNN who were on assignment in Haiti. They told me that a major storm front was predicted for Haiti with torrential rains and high winds during the week of our conference. CNN wanted people on the ground to report on the predicted damage, and how people were coping in the tent cities. But, as the reporter told me, it never happened, so we wound up covering other stories. During the conference, the pastors and seminary staff all commented about how great the weather was, and how difficult it can be during the rainy season. This would have been a major problem for our conference as small groups and our food lines all took place outside with the destruction of many of the STEP seminary buildings from the earthquake. We had no idea that Haiti was ground zero for such a destructive storm. Isn't it interesting that the day after the conference, the heavens opened and the rainy season continued after a week break.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Reflections on Haiti

Many of you have been asking me about conditions in Haiti regarding food, water, security, rebuilding efforts, and the spiritual condition of the country. I can't give you a comprehensive understanding of what is happening in all of these areas. But I can tell you why I have hope about this country. My hope rests in the power of the gospel and the men who proclaim and live that gospel, the pastors, some of whom were present at our conference last week. Some of the stories they told us were heart breaking. One pastor who shared his testimony at the conference lost two of his children. One of them was his son who was studying for the ministry and died in the classroom building of the STEP seminary where we gathered. Another pastor lost 27 members of his church who died in the earthquake. Most of the pastors homes were damaged or destroyed. Many who came sacrficed a lot to come, leaving what's left of their homes and families. Two of the pastors I met not only are continuing their church ministries, but also started orphanages for children whose parents died in the earthquake.
What gives me hope for Haiti? Seeing these men, weary, overwhelmed, many suffering the effects of post-traumatic stress, respond to teachings we shared, all rooted in the gospel. This is not evidence of our greatness as teachers, but the greatness of God. If Haiti is to be changed and become a new nation, it will be as hearts are changed by power of God. And this was evident in the lives of these men who left different than when they came. Just the fact that these men haven't given up on ministry is an inspiration to me. Imagine what they have been through, and yet they keep on keeping on. In my first talk, I asked the pastors to give me a show of hands in response to various questions:
How many of you are haivng trouble sleeping at night?
How many of you are afraid to enter various buildings?
How many of you find yourselves crying on a regular basis?
Who are having nightmares?
How many of you have images, sounds, or smells you just can't get out of your mind?
Are you having trouble praying or reading scripture?
How many of you are having trouble concentrating?
Are you more forgetful?
How many of you are depressed, feeling overwhelmed?
All of the men responded in various numbers to each of these questions. But they were willing to come to learn how to minister more effectively to their people. To be honest, I don't know if I could do it. The grace of God was evident even in these men attending. And so I have hope, even in the midst of the most intense suffering I have ever seen.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Haiti Day 5

This morning was the beginning of a bittersweet day. It is my 6th day of this trip, and the last day of my part of the conference. The night before we had a very special time of sharing and prayer. We reflected on what God has been doing, and how our experience in Haiti has touched each of our hearts. We also began to debrief on the strengths and weaknesses of our conference. After another night where the power goes out, and then trying to sleep in 90 degree heat and 100% humidity, I wake up realizing that this is my day to come home (sweet), and saying goodbye to our team and the pastors who have been such an inspiration to meet (bitter).
Day starts at 6 with my last cold shower, followed by the dry cereal and breakfast bars to eat. Our team assembles as the morning meeting is about to being. David Shin from Churches Helping Churches is busy working with the STEP seminary staff printing out certificates of participation (very important to pastors in this culture). Lots of goodbyes, pictures, thank you's and sharing of email addresses.
My heart is filled with emotion as we leave for Port Au Prince airport. It is normally a 20 minute drive but with conjested traffic, poor road conditions, and streets blocked by police due to protesters, we take a round about route throught the chaos of the city. Pastor Jaques does a great job navigating the streets and it takes just under an hour to arrive. Thankfully it is 2 hours before departure and it takes almost the entire time to get through the security checks etc. It is a strange feeling to be in a third world airport when you can't speak the language and you are the only one there since other team members have different departure times (I chose to take a direct flight to JFK, most other team members fly to Miami and then flights to various parts of the USA). Sure enough there is a problem with my check-in with Delta, but after a round or two wiht the supervisor, it is through to the second of three security checks and then on to the plane. The flight attendants were very gracious and inquisitive about my experience so we spent a half hour talking about the ministry and showing them pictures. I was tired, but it was a way to pass the time and gave me another opportunity to share Christ.
A very intense week of ministry and experiencing some of the poorest of the poor anywhere in the world. I will be sharing additional thoughts about this trip and pictures soon, but for now, all I can do is thank God for His protection, watching over my family, truly there is no place like home!
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Haiti Day 4

Today was another day of great ministry. I presented my final session today and worked with our team members to lead another Q and A session. My session today was following the example of Jesus as Prophet, Priest, and King (Hebrews 1:1-4) as a way to better understand how minister more effectively in the aftermath of the earthquake. Each of these roles can be used to help pastors understand in more detail what God is calling them to do. Part of this teaching also included how to evaluate and minister to the heart of the suffering person.
This was a day where many of our team members were struggling a little more with the heat, humidity, food, etc. God is good and we aLl found extra strength to sustain us in our ministry. My travel into the city today impressed upon me again the overwhelming needs here in Haiti. More to come!
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Haiti Day 3

Today was the second day of the conference. Each of the other counseling team members, Mike Wilkerson and Justin Holcomb of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, and Robert Cheong of Sojourn Church in Louisville, gave powerful presentations on how Faith, Hope, and Love can minister richly to the hearts of the these suffering pastors (Justin's presentation was so powerful that we had a mild tremor during it!). The idea of the conference is not only to give these men counseling insights on Post-Traumatic Stress but to minister directly to their hurts so that they will be renewed and refreshed. This will not only strengthen them, but eneable their ministry to their congregations and the people to be more effective.
We had a couple of Q and A sessions with the pastors where we addressed a lot of specific questions about what they are facing. Here a a couple of the questions we were asked:
The children of my church and the orphanage we run are acting out by fighting a being more physically violent since the earthquake, how do we help them?
A family in our church is having a lot more problems since the earthquake with anger between the parents and the children, and between the parents, plus itis disruptive to our entire church, why is this happening and what should I do?
Since the earthquake I have been more forgetful and confused, is this normal and what should I do?
I am struggling with hurt and jealousy of another pastor who received some aid money but would not share any of it with me, I now avoid him but I know it isn't right and I don't know what to do.
I have a woman in my church that is so depressed since the earthquake that she won't do anything as a wife and mother, won't come back to church, how can I help her?
These are just some of the many we are being asked.

In addition to these Q and A sessions I am talking to a lot of pastors, many through a tranltor, about individual questions and personal struggles. I have been so impressed with the resilience and heart of many if these men. They have been through so much,the weight of ministry burdens they carry is so great, and they continue to press on! I think of the Scripture, "Greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world." To God be the glory!
Blessigns, Dr. Paul

Hait Day 2

Today was the first day of our pastor's conference. What a blessing to meet these men and to negin speaking Creol with my cheat sheet. "Mewn rele Dr. Paul" My name is Dr. Paul. Listening to these men sing in worship of God is a inspiring experience even though I have no idea what the words mean. My first session introduced Post Traumatic Stress as a description of how people react to tragic events. I also covered how the Bible speaks powerfully to the heart needs of the these men and their people who continue to suffer. I ended by encouraging them that they are able to make a difference in many waysan and by introducing people to Christ. What does Jesus know about PTS? Just think about the cross for it is the ultimate experience trauma and suffering. Then we divided the men into small groups where they could minister to each others hurts.
During break times these men are already coming to me and our team for advice and counsel on how to deal with problems in their lives and the lives of their people. One pastor shared how he lost two of his five children, one was killed on the STEP seminary campus. Another pastor came to me because every time he hears a loud noise his heart begins racing. Other men have told us how they are having trouble sleeping, concentrating and making decisions. Many of the pastors are afraid to enter buildings, are crying, have anger issues, depression, and even having trouble praying.
Tomorrow I will be sharing my second session and continuing counseling for individual pastors.
Orevwa
Dr Paul

Haiti Day One

God is good in getting the first half of our tean here safely. After a tour of the city of Port Au Prince, I am taken back by the extent of the destruction. Everywhere you go there is debris, destroyed buildings, people living in small and large groupings of tents.
Some tent cities have as many as 15000 tents. In many ways I am reminded of Cambodia,crazy traffic, overloaded taxis, trash, high heat and humidity, ineffective and corrupt government,and great number of the poorest of the poor anywhere on the planet. Except Haiti is not only poor, but now in a state of trying to recover from the devastating earthquake. today we went to the Mega Mart to purchase 200 air mattresses since the container with the cots and the large tent is still held up in customs. Welcome to life in the third world. A lot of last minute planning took place today as we adjust to changing logistics. Tonight we spent a lot of time in prayer for the conference wbich begins with my session on understanding Post-Traumatic Stress and a biblically based response. May God do great things to His glory!
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Container Update

Stuff always happens, and whatever you are doing always takes longer in 3rd world countries. Such is the story with our shipping container. Latest news is that the shipping company itself delayed the delivery into Port Au Prince, and by the time things make it through customs, it will be Monday afternoon by the time it arrives. So keep praying that it gets to the STEP seminary campus before the predicted time! I know, that just contradicted what I said in the first sentence, but our God is an awesome God!

Please pray not only for safety for our team as we travel to Haiti, but also for the expatriate Haitian pastors travelling to their homeland, and for the 200 pastors who will travel to this conference. I hope to be sending you updates daily if I have a working internet connection.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Understanding Post-Traumatic Stress

Many of you have asked me what I will be presenting to these Hatian pastors. I am responsible for 4 of the main sessions. In the first session, I will be describing what Post-Traumatic Stress (PTS) looks like, and how to distinguish it from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Next we will focus on what is the current standard for helping someone deal with PTS, and how the Bible and Christ provide a powerful and effective means to reach a person on the level of the heart. In other words, these pastors don't have to be a psychologist or psychiatrist to provide meaningful help to people hurting from PTS.

In a second session, a Hatian pastor will be presenting material I put together called "Jesus in the Tent City," a message based on Matthew 9:35-39. The focus here will be helping these pastors understand how to see as Jesus saw, to feel as Jesus felt, to pray as Jesus prayed, and to do as Jesus did. A third session will be on responding to grief. How can we as pastors help people who have lost so much? The final session I am presenting will be on following the model Jesus provides in His roles of Prophet, Priest, and King (Hebrews 1:1-5) as a way to minister more effectively to the people of Haiti. Within this framework, the pastors will learn very practical skills related things the Bible speaks very powerfully to, despair, guilt, anxiety, fear, etc.

Other members of the team will be speaking to biblical truths regarding faith, hope, and love, listening and understanding the person who is dealing wth PTS, and other insights. All of us will be dependent on translators as we not only communicate in the large group settings, but also as we interact with these pastors in small groups, and as we provide individual counseling.

Please pray that God would speak powerfully to the hearts of these hurting, traumatized pastors who have lost so much in their own lives. Pray that the insights we share will not only minister to their needs, but also to the people of their congregations and to the Haitian people as a whole.

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

Our First Snag: The Shipping Container

On Friday of last week, Churches Helping Churches hit a major milestone in our preparation for this conference: We shipped off a 40-foot container out of Miami.
But now we’ve got problems again: They’re not letting the container off the boat in Port-au-Prince so it can be processed through customs. Originally, we were expecting to have the container clear customs on Monday next week, the day our retreat starts.
The materials inside that container are critical for the conference. Here’s what’s inside:
Proclaimers: In a place where 1 out of every 2 people is illiterate, this is how you get the Word of God to them: solar-powered audio Bibles. Faith Comes by Hearing, the manufacturer of these products, is giving one to each attendee of this conference.
Haitian trauma books: David C. Cook has a 500-page counseling trauma kit. It was adapted to Haiti and translated into Creole. The first versions came off the press on Wednesday and were dropped shipped to Miami in time to ship for the container closing on Thursday. This is a phenomenal resource: Scripture-saturated, group discussion oriented, and knowledgeable. CHC is helping pay for the translation of these materials. Each pastor at the conference will receive one.
Tent: 5,000-square foot event tent and 250 cots: This will serve as one big bedroom where all the pastors will sleep.
Mosquito repellent: Malaria, typhoid fever, and dengue fever. Need we say more?
PLEASE COMMIT THIS TO PRAYER SO THAT WE CAN HAVE WHAT WE NEED TO SERVE THESE PASTORS!
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

How One Haitian Pastor Views the Need in Haiti

The other day the organization sponsoring the pastor's conference I will participate in sent a letter expressing his regret about not being able to attend. He recently returned to his home in Canada from being in Haiti and communicated the following:

Dear colleague in the LORD!
Thank you for this interesting invitation to participate in the May conference in Haiti. I find that it is a very good initiative…
I came back from Haiti last Tuesday exhausted, but happy to have served the Lord in this physically devastated, emotionally traumatized country … despite the big number of evangelicals, and of overcrowded churches. The biggest blessing which our country needs it is that of a spiritual awakening of the church of Jesus Christ, and it will have to begin with the leaders.
Post traumatic disturbances of our Haitian brothers and sisters are very real. I saw them myself, having made [sic] the terrible experience of earthquake in Port-au-Prince on January 12th. Training will be very much useful, but it will also be necessary to consider the counseling for the pastors themselves, because they are traumatized shepherds called to serve traumatized people. …
I give you the assurance of my prayers for the ministry which you are going to do for the glory of our common Lord and Savior. I shall ask that God provokes the necessary workers, and uses the team which will leave as good comforters and counselors.
I hope that this conference will be only the first stage of a plan of action which will touch as much soul as mind of the leaders and of their flock. Needed are new leaders for a new church, a new church for a new society, a new society for a new Haiti.
Brotherhood greetings in Jesus Christ,
F.N.Ottawa, Canada

I think this man captures our heart for the pastors and people of Haiti very well.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Pastors Helping Pastors

Imagine losing your home, your church, and members of your family. Imagine you are a pastor, someone people look to for guidance, but you are experiencing the same hurt, shock, and despair many of your people are dealing with. I can't imagine it, but I am about to see it once again as I leave for Haiti with Churches Helping Churches. Our focus will be on ministering to pastors as they have a key role in Haitian society. But as people come to them for help, guidance, encouragement, etc., to whom do they turn to when they are hurting.

So you can call this conference pastors helping pastors. We are going to Haiti to equip and train these men to understand Post-Traumatic Stress. Even more important, we want to encourage, help, and minister to these men of God and the needs and hurts they are trying to cope with. There are four of us who are pastors coming from the US, and another 15 pastors who are Haitian and living in the US. We will provide large group teaching sessions, small group sessions where pastors can share their experiences, and individual counseling with us.

Pray for God's blessing on this conference and even that it would be the start of revival among the peopleo of Haiti.

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

Preparations for Haiti

Plans are coming together for my upcoming trip to Haiti. I will be flying out of Philly on May 23, joining up with two of our team members, and flying into Port au Prince out of Miami. Thankfully, most of my shots from the Cambodia trip are applicable to Haiti! At this time, one of the biggest needs we have is for a prefabricated structure to be built at the STEP seminary location. Their main building, as seen in this picture, was destroyed in the earthquake, so we need a larger structure to accomodate the 200 pastors who will be attending. Churches Helping Churches is close to securing a contractor , so please pray for God to provide.
Haiti is a country that even before the earthquake was in a bad way. The population is about 9 million and ranks 88th in population. Life expectancy is 61 years and compared to the world it is 181st. AIDs is 2.2 per 100,00 which makes it 28th in the world. Health care is scarce and is definitely sub-standard. The literacy rate is about 53%. In terms of poverty, 80% live under the poverty line, and 54% live in abject poverty. Since the earthquake, many people have either fled the country, or have been displaced to other parts of Haiti. Many of these displaced people live in tent cities. These tent cities range in size from 800 to 15,000 tents in size. Regarding religion, 80% of the country is Roman Catholic, and 50% practice vodoo. Crime and violence are very prevalent, and the Haitian police are understaffed, poorly equipped, and unable to respond to most calls for help.
So, as you can see, this is one needy country. Please pray as we finalize our preparations.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Three Days in Seattle

I know I promised some more thoughts about changes in marriage and family in today's society, but I unexpectedly found myself in Seattle this week. I spent three days in Seattle with Mike Wilkerson and Justin Holcomb from the pastoral staff of Mars Hill Church, Pastor Robert Cheong from Sojourn Church in Louisville, KY, and Tom Kim, the director of a new ministry, Churches Helping Churches.

The reason for these meetings was to plan a conference for pastors in Haiti next month. The purpose is to minister to their needs, and then to encourage and equip them to minister to their congregations and the people of Haiti. Soon after the earthquake, Pastor Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill, and Pastor James MacDonald of Harvest Bible Chapel in Chicago flew to Haiti and were so moved by the devastation that they decided to start a new ministry, Churches Helping Churches.

So you ask what is my connection with all of this? Mark Wilkerson from MHC attended a seminar I gave in 2007 at the CCEF national conference on Responding to Disaster and Crisis. Mike called me last week and asked for me to join their planning team for the conference because of my experience in working with pastors and missionaries, and my work to develop a biblically based response to traumatic stress. So within a week of the first call, I found myself in the offices of Mars Hill Church located in a converted waterfront warehouse with a group of four other men who I didn’t know, putting together a 5 day program for Haitian pastors in crisis. Even though we come from diverse backgrounds, there was an uncanny unity in Christ as we focused on the task at hand. It was a priviledge to work with these men.

In about a month the team will be flying into Port of Prince to minister and provide biblical counseling to a group of 200 pastors. We will be working with STEP seminary at a yet to be determined location (the seminary was partially destroyed). Make no mistake about it, Haiti right now makes just about any other place poverty stricken country in the world look like a palace. Most of the displaced people are living in tent cities ranging in size from 800 to 15,000. Tom Kim has been to Haiti a number of times since the earthquake. He told us heart breaking stories of pastors who are simply shell shocked at the loss, not only for their communities and churches, but in their own lives. One pastor lost all five of his children. Another pastor walks around what’s left of his church building each day crying out to God. While the UN and other relief agencies are working to provide for the physical needs of the people, there is NO organized effort by any other organization to provide help for the pastors, or biblical counseling in traumatic stress (even among secular organizations, there is very little work to provide counseling support to the people). Please keep the team in prayer as we reach out to the church in Haiti. To find out more about Churches Helping Churches, go to their web site, www.churcheshelpingchurches.org, or you can find them on Facebook and Twitter. God be the glory! More to follow on this.

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

The Changing Face of Family Life

The family is changing in America today, like it or not. Let's take a look at some of the most significant changes taking place today. It is important for Christians to understand and respond to these changes in ways that don't compromise the truths of the gospel, but make the gospel more effective in speaking to the way family functions today.
Delaying Marriage: The average age of first marriage for men today is now 27 years old, and for women, it is now 25 years of age. During the 1970's, married couples in their 20's were the majority, but are now not the norm. For people in their 20's, the nrom is for them to be unmarried. For people in their 30's and 40's, a larger minority, 1/3, are single or divorced. Because so many other aspects of young adult life are affected by marital status, including the timing and having of children, housing needs, jobs and economic demands, and relationships with parents and friends, this is a tremendously significant shift in American family life. When it comes to faith, religious practice is especially influenced by marrying, settling down, and raising children. Individuals who marry are more likely to attend religious services regularly than those who delay marriage.
Having Fewer Kids and Having Them Later in Life: Because of the first factor, delayed marriage, married couples are having fewer children, and having them later in life. The average number of births per woman is 2, and 19% of women now have no children. The median age when women give birth has never been higher, 24.5 years of age, and more women age 35 t0 39, and 40 to 44 are having children. A century ago, women in their 30's and 40's would be giving birth to their fourth or fifth child, now it is their first or second.
Decreasing Number of Children in a Two-Parent Home: In 2006, 67% of children were living with both parents, a decline of 18% in 20 years. In 2006, 29% were living with one parent, a 16% increase in the last 20 years. This is another very disturbing trend as every child developes best with a mom and a dad.
In my next post, I will share some additional changes in family life today, and conclude this series with how you as an individual, and the church as a whole can respond in a meaningful way.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Preparing for Marriage

Many couples spend a lot of time and money to prepare for, and enjoy, their wedding ceremony and wedding day. And certainly it is a special day for every couple who marries. A time to express their commitment to each other in front of family and friends. A day to celebrate as they begin a new family.
As important as the wedding is, it is only one day. I wish couples would spend more time not just preparing for their wedding, but for their marriage. What do I mean? Getting solid, in-depth, pre-marital counseling. Many churches today require couples to attend at least a couple of sessions with the pastor, on in a group class for larger churches, or with another counselor.
This is a great start, but I encourage all couples to do more than just a couple of sessions with their pastor, or in a group setting. There are a lot of issues and potential problems that can be missed or glossed over in these instances. When you think about the life-long commitment a couple enters into with marriage, it makes sense for them to get to know as much as they can about each other. Having a pastor or counselor to meet with the couple for at least 6 to 8 sessions just with that couple can make a huge difference in helping both the man and the woman enter their marriage with both eyes open about each other.
When I lead a couple in pre-marital counseling, I make sure we discuss the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship, their families of origin and their impact on the marriage, communication, conflict resolution, money, sex, children and parenting, future in-law relationships, personality issues, just to name a few. I also get the couple to commit to being willing to delay or cancel the wedding if at any point either of them have serious questions or concerns about getting married to the other. The hassle and embarassment of delaying or cancelling the wedding are nothing compared to the heart ache of divorce.
In my 25 years of ministry experience, I have found that taking the time, effort, and money to get this kind of counseling makes a big difference in the future success of any marriage.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Living Together Before Marriage = Higher Divorce

This week a new study by the U.S. Center for Disease Control was released which compared couples who lived together before marriage with those who wait until they marry. For the last few decades many people believe that it is better to live together and try things out before making the committment to marriage. This way, you can see how things work out and avoid going through the pain of divorce. But this new study confirms a truth I have counselled and taught for years, that living together before marriage actually decreases the chances of a long marraige. Among women who lived with their first husband before getting married, they had a 61% chance of their marriage lasting 10 years. This compares with a 66% chance for women who did not live with their first husband. This study was based on a survey of men and women for the National Survey of Family Growth.
The study also looked at couples who got engaged before moving in together. The researchers concluded that this step made a big difference in the ultimate success of the couple's marriage. It found that women who were engaged before cohabiting had a 10 percent better chance of having a 10 year marriage, and engaged men had an 18% better chance compared to those who were not engaged before living together.
So the question is, why is it a problem to live together before marriage? The biggest problem comes down to one word, committment. When a man and woman move in together before marriage, it is a conditional arrangement. The idea is that I will stay with you as long as it works for me, and you meet my needs. If things start going bad, "I am outta here." And of course, there is the issue of sex. One of the most popular excuses for living together I hear is, "We need to make sure we are sexually compatible, that we can have a good sex life." I have news for you, this sexual compatiblity idea is one of the biggest jokes out there. You take a man and a woman and put them in bed, and it will happen. God made it that way. Not only that, researchers have consistently demonstrated that couples who live together have a less satisfying sex life than couples who wait to be married. Why? It is the difference between conditional verses unconditional love. When you live together first, it is a conditional committment. When you make the commitment to be married first, you are saying to your partner, "I love you unconditionally, and my commitment to you is not dependent on how you perform in bed." That gives the couple the freedom to enjoy sexual intimacy without the pressure of "if you don't perform, I am outta here."
Studies also show that couples who get married first have less conflict and more agreement on major issues compared to couples who live together first. I submit that the reason for this is again, the unconditional basis of the commitment for the married couple. Their relationship operates with the understanding that if we have a problem, because we are married, we will work it out because we are here to stay. Compare that to the conditional basis of the relationship of the co-habiting couple.
Commitment makes all the difference, as shown in this CDC study. You see it even with couples who get engaged before living together. I would argue that if you really want to give your relationship the absolute best chance to thrive for the long haul, go beyond simply being enaged before you cohabit. Go for the ultimate unconditional expression of love and commitment you can only get through being married before you live together.
Isn't it interesting that CDC spent all of this time, money, and effort to demonstrate something God communicated through Scripture many centuries ago.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Confession and Forgiveness

There has been a lot of talk about Tiger Woods and his very public apology. Many pundits have been speculating about his sincerety or lack thereof. I would like to focus on what God has to say about what it means to confess our sin and seek forgiveness. One of the best places to see this is with David in Psalm 51. This psalm was written after David's adulterous relationship with Bathsheba. Here are some of the key elements in his confession of sin. First, he calls it what it is, sin. He uses terms like trangression, evil, iniquity. No beating around the bush, no making excuses, no calling it something that sounds nicer than what it is. David also acknowledges that he not only sinned against Bathsheba and her family, but he sinned against God Himself. And so he appeals to God for mercy, to be cleansed from his sin, to be washed whiter than snow.
One contrast I want to make between David in this psalm, and Tiger Woods in his public apology. Tiger emphasized that he was going to overcome his problems through increasing his personal efforts in the pursuit of Budhism. David emphasizes in Psalm 51 that it is not by his own personal efforts, but it is by the power of God that he can be made whole again, "O God, renew a right spirit within me.... restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit." The other truth we see revealed here is the importance of the heart, which is what makes up all that we are on the inside, our desires, emotions, motivation, hopes, dreams, fears, etc. No amount of human effort can take away the guilt of our sin, and no amount of human effort by itself can overcome sin. David acknowledges this truth by praying to God, "create in me a clean heart, O God, renew a right spirit within me."
As much as Tiger Woods may or may not have been sincere in his apology, sincerety alone does not bring about deliverance from sin. That can only happen as we humble ourselves before the true and living God of the scriptures, who alone has the power to truly forgive sin and make us over as a new creation. As David prays, "The sacrifices of god are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Devlier me from bloodguiltiness, O God. O God of my salvation, and my tounge will sing aloud of your righteouness."
Do you struggle over the guilt of your sin? Have you experienced the blessing of knowing that your sin is forgiven? The only way to know this is to know the God who became man in the person of Jesus, the one who lived the life we can never live to pay a price we can never pay.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Valentine's Day

If you listen to the mass media and our culture, the celebration of Valentine's Day is all about candy, flowers, cards, etc. It is about falling in love. I hate that terminology. You fall in ditches, potholes and trenches. When it comes to love, it is all about commitment. You make a choice to love someone, to care, to be vulnerable, to give and give yourself to that person. Certainly there is nothing wrong with romance, it is a lot of fun when you meet the right person, and to sustain the fun and fan the flame of a marriage.
I want to encourage you to think about love not just on Valentine's Day, but throughout the year. The effort and thought you may have put into today to make it special is something that should be an on going effort, something you think about on a regular basis. Marriage, like other important things in life, takes work. In my marraige, when I go on autopilot, when I take it for granted, we quickly begin to drift apart. We get into the rut of going through the motions, conversation is about the functions of our family (who needs to be where and when, what time is dinner, did anyone feed the dog, etc.), and there just isn't the same degree of closeness between us.
I can give you this guarantee, make every day Valentine's Day and you will divorce proof your marriage.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

How To Resolve Family Conflicts

How can you truly resolve family conflicts? Let's start with your own mindset when it comes to conflict in your family. The first step is realizing that whenever we are talking about people, there is going to be conflict. And the more time you spend around someone, the more potential there is for conflict. The Bible says the reason for this is sin, you are born with a nature that wants to put yourself first. I want what I want, when I want it, and how I want it. Having this mindset will help keep you from turning every conflict into a catastrophy.
The second mindset simply involves wanting to see conflict resolved. Some people seem to thrive on conflict, stirring the pot, always having to win the argument or getting the last word. Along with this can be a reluctance to admit fault or to say "I am sorry." Having a mindset that desires peace and harmony in your family relationships, and being willing to do what it takes to resolve it when it happens will go a long way toward see this goal achieved. Remember, you can't change anyone, but you can change how you respond to conflict.
Let me suggest three practical things you can do to resolve conflicts. The first is to simply forgive the person and move on without making it an issue. Overlooking conflict is different than avoiding conflict. When you avoid conflict, you are pretending that there really isn't a problem, you refuse to deal with it. Overlooking conflict and forgiving involves acknowledging to yourself that the other person did do something to offend or hurt you. But you determine that it is not something serious enough to confront them. So you make a concious decision to overlook it, forgive them, and forget it. You don't dwell on it, stew about it, or let it put distance between you and the other person.
Let's say the offense is not something you can overlook, then you need to go to that person and talk about what took place. I suggest that you avoid using statements that begin with the word "you." When you start by taking about what the other person did, you put them on the defensive right away. Instead, use "I and me" statements and focus on how you were hurt or impacted by what happened. If you know that you did something to contribute to the problem, start by confessing that to the other person and ask for their forgiveness. This will help open the door for the them to also respond with humility and admit their part in the conflict. Let's say you honestly can't think of anything you did to contribute to the conflict, you can still say early in the discussion, "If I did anything to offend you, or contribute to this problem, please tell me so I can seek your forgiveness and help resolve this."
Another way to start the conversation is to talk about how much the person means to you. Let them know that your relationship with them is important to you, you value them, and you want to maintain a healthy family. This will let them know that the conversation really isn't as about "you" or "me", but us. How can "we" move past this and maintain a good relationship.
After you "break the ice" by admitting your part or talking about how important your relationship is to you, talk the specifics of how you viewed what happened and its impact on you. Give them the opportunity to voice their view of things, and seek to find common ground. What are the things you agree on, and verbalize them first. Then talk about where you disagree and seek to find a compromise where possible, and extend forgiveness.
Let's say you try to discuss this, and you still can't get it resolved. A third way to resolve conflict is to contact your pastor, a counselor, or some other neutral third party who has experience working with people to serve as a mediator. This person will hear both sides and offer suggestions and ideas on how to work out the problem. Do this before things build up over time and cause bitterness and you and the other person digging in for a long battle of attrition and trench warfare. This will bring nothing but further pain, heartache, and a greater division in your family.
For more information on how to resolve conflict, I recommend you consult Peace Maker ministries, and the books on Peace Making by Ken Sande. There you will find a wealth of information.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

How Not to Resolve Family Conflict

Conflict in your immediate family can be so disheartening. When it involves your in-laws, it not only impacts your relationship with them, but often puts a strain on your relationship with your spouse. Unresolved, it can lead to family members being forced to take sides, battles over children and grandchildren spending time with parents or grandparents, even law suits. So how do we resolve conflict, especially in your immediate family?
Today I want to talk first about some ways people don't resolve it. One response to conflict is to run. Escaping from conflict can involves removing yourself from the person or situation. Now there may be times when it is a good idea to withdraw, temporarily, from the conflict, especially when tempers are flaring, insults are flying, and you need to calm your emotions, seek counsel, or get your thoughts together. But in most cases, running from conflict puts off a genuine resolution to the problem. Having the conflict hang over you can keep you on edge, cause you to stew over the problem, and can devolve into bitterness.
Another common response that doesn't work is to pretend that there isn't a problem. "Conflict, what conflict, there's no conflict." Acting like there isn't a problem when one really exists is no better than the story of the emperor's new clothes. The problem becomes the elephant in the room that no one has the courage to talk about.
On the other extreme, there are times when instead of running away from the conflict, you arm yourself for battle and take on the other party with guns blazing. This means winning the argument at all costs by seeing the other person as your opponent and using verbal attacks such as yelling, insulting your opponent, or even resorting to physical violence.
Another form of this is not as direct, but is just as hurful and can be very insidious. This is when the person resorts to passive-aggressive responses. You don't attack the person directly, but you ignore them, give them the silent treatment, fail to support the person in other situations, and simply look for ways to make life more difficult for the person you consider to be your opponent.
So take a moment to look in the mirror and honestly ask yourself, "Am I guilty of any of these repsonses?" How have I contributed to the conflict? Have I done anything in my words, attitudes, or actions to make the problem worse? As Jesus tells us in the Gospels, before you can take the speck out of the other person's eye, take the log out of your own eye.
Next post I will share some ways that you can actually resolve the conflict and bring about true reconciliation and healing in your family.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Family Christmas Conflict

If you are like most people, having the extended family around during the holidays does not bring joy, peace, and goodwill toward men. Why do we seem to have more conflict around the holidays? Here are some thoughts about why the Christmas season can be a nightmare. Certainly the increase in activities and the running around adds stress to everyone's life. And then you are spending time with relatives who normally don't spend as much time with. They are hanging around your family room, going in your refrigerator, using your bathroom, messing with your TV remote!

Add to this that many people, especially women, go into the holiday season with a higher ideal of what they want the family to be (for us men, we often just bounce from one thing to the next, just tell us where we need to be and when). And when it doesn't meet that ideal, we get upset, down, and look for someone to blame (I can't believe how your parents acted, your family gave the dumbest gifts, can't they ever be on time for anything........). Just spending more time around family members you may not see as much the rest of the year can be a breeding ground for conflict. Conflicting ideas about how the holiday time should be spent (why do we have to go to church again), who spend should spend it with who (what do you mean, you aren't having Christmas dinner with us!), how much money family members spend on each other, these are just some of the flash points.

I think a lot of this has to do with underlying expectations that you and your family members can have. These expectations are often unspoken, but drive the conflict you see on the surface. These expectations can be based on value and importance you place on spending time together or apart, how we should worship, how strongly family boundaries should be respected or crossed, how you handle the kids compared to others in your family, the role of alcohol, just to name a few.

Let's zero in on the relationships that tend to bring the most conflict. When I was in graduate school, my professor for Marriage and Family Counseling often talked about the "Big 3" of marriage conflict, money, sex, and kids. After 25 years of counseling, I would like to add a fourth, IN-LAWS. Dealing with the extended family is another source of difficulty. It is interesting to me that studies of newlyweds, "middlyweds," and "oldlyweds" all state that dealing with in-laws and extended family are a source of frustration and conflict. The in-law relationship that tends to bring the most conflict is the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship. Father-in-law, son-in-law can also create problems, but often ranks second. Again, I think it has to do with the ideals women place on the holidays, but also how time is spent preparing for the holiday time, or being in the kitchen together. Lots of opportunity (remember Mary and Martha going at it, Luke 10:38-42?) for sniping and griping (the guys are probably falling asleep watching football together, another issue to be dealt with!).

From the perspective of the parents/grandparents, after years of having your children be with you, doing what you want, now you have to let them go, establish their own identity, and decide how they want to spend the holiday. That isn't easy! You and your spouse have always done it a certain way, and now a new son or daughter-in-law brings a whole new set of ideas and expectations into the picture. Even if your children are not married, when they get into the teen years, they want to enjoy the traditions you have, but they also desire to be with their peers. This often means negotiating how they spend their time with friends verses you, the parents.

So after all of this, do we give up on celebrating Christmas? No, we just need to recognize that all of us are broken, flawed people. If everyone would simply do what I think they should do, when I think they should do it, and I think it should be done, the world would be a better place! The Bible is clear that we should expect conflict (Matthew 5:23-24, Ephesians 4:26, James 4:1-10). It is the inevitable result of sinful people being around each other. Conflict is found in every relationship, so how do we resolve these conflicts? I will share some suggestions in my next blog. And if you have a good story of extended family being together for the holidays, or a horror story, send it to me at drpaul@insightcounsel.org.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Starting Simple for the New Year

This past Sunday I spoke on a passage of scripture that I think provides a simple, spiritual, recipe for the New Year. After all of the Christmas holiday madness, I think it is especially timely to think about making our lives more simple and get back to basics. The passage I am referring to is Micah 6:8, "And what does the Lord require of you, O man, but to do justly, to love kindness (or mercy), and to walk humbly with your God." I love the simplicity of this verse. God simply wants us to reflect His character, who He is. He is a God who is all about doing what is right and just, and He is a God of grace. And so he calls us to do what is right, and to not just be kind, but to love kindness.
He wraps it up with encouraging us to walk humbly with our God. Notice he tells us not to run, or even to jog, but to walk. You get the sense of a regular, steady pace, not a rush, no being in a hurry. It is the difference between driving through your neighborhood, verses walking through your neighborhood. The slower pace allows you to see and hear things you would miss if you just drove down the street. He also encourages us to walk with humility. It takes humility to admit that you need God, that you can't save yourself, you don't have all of the answers.
I hope you will think about taking this verse and making it your own for 2010.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul