How Not to Resolve Family Conflict

Conflict in your immediate family can be so disheartening. When it involves your in-laws, it not only impacts your relationship with them, but often puts a strain on your relationship with your spouse. Unresolved, it can lead to family members being forced to take sides, battles over children and grandchildren spending time with parents or grandparents, even law suits. So how do we resolve conflict, especially in your immediate family?
Today I want to talk first about some ways people don't resolve it. One response to conflict is to run. Escaping from conflict can involves removing yourself from the person or situation. Now there may be times when it is a good idea to withdraw, temporarily, from the conflict, especially when tempers are flaring, insults are flying, and you need to calm your emotions, seek counsel, or get your thoughts together. But in most cases, running from conflict puts off a genuine resolution to the problem. Having the conflict hang over you can keep you on edge, cause you to stew over the problem, and can devolve into bitterness.
Another common response that doesn't work is to pretend that there isn't a problem. "Conflict, what conflict, there's no conflict." Acting like there isn't a problem when one really exists is no better than the story of the emperor's new clothes. The problem becomes the elephant in the room that no one has the courage to talk about.
On the other extreme, there are times when instead of running away from the conflict, you arm yourself for battle and take on the other party with guns blazing. This means winning the argument at all costs by seeing the other person as your opponent and using verbal attacks such as yelling, insulting your opponent, or even resorting to physical violence.
Another form of this is not as direct, but is just as hurful and can be very insidious. This is when the person resorts to passive-aggressive responses. You don't attack the person directly, but you ignore them, give them the silent treatment, fail to support the person in other situations, and simply look for ways to make life more difficult for the person you consider to be your opponent.
So take a moment to look in the mirror and honestly ask yourself, "Am I guilty of any of these repsonses?" How have I contributed to the conflict? Have I done anything in my words, attitudes, or actions to make the problem worse? As Jesus tells us in the Gospels, before you can take the speck out of the other person's eye, take the log out of your own eye.
Next post I will share some ways that you can actually resolve the conflict and bring about true reconciliation and healing in your family.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul