Saturday, April 25, 2015

Financial Adultery

In my 30 years of counseling, one of the common reasons couples come for counseling is disagreements about money.  It is one of the "Big 4" of marriage counseling (the other three are sex, kids, and in-laws).  Infidelity in marriage is not limited to sex, but can also involve money.  Some marriage therapists refer to this as "Financial Adultery."  According to Jeffrey Drew, Ph.D. of Utah University, couples who argue about money at least once a week are 30% more likely to divorce.  In addition, the more credit card debt, the more the couple will tend to argue about money issues and other issues in the marriage.  Lying and keeping secrets about money in marriage is disloyal behavior and can be just as devastating as sexual infidelity.  Here are some practices that are a part of financial adultery:
Hiding Money from Your Spouse.  Let's say you get a bonus check from work, or win some money in the lottery, or get a larger than expected tax refund.  Instead of telling your spouse about it, you keep it to yourself and stash the money somewhere or spend it on yourself.  Maybe putting it in a rainy day fund is a better idea, but in all of these examples, not telling your spouse will leave them wondering what else you haven't been up front about.
Hiding Significant Purchases.  You just have to get the latest ____________.  To get it, you max out the credit card or just spend a big load of cash on it.  This can impact your credit score and possibly your financial stability.  This is simply a sin of omission (Oh Honey, I simply forgot to tell you about it).
Lying About the Real Price.  This often happens because the one spouse is afraid if the other found out how much was spent, it would start an argument.  So to avoid that, the amount of money spent is low balled.  Or one that a lot of wives seem to use, "But look how much money I saved."  Not.
Spending Money on your Addictions.  I have seen so much damage and hurt caused by this one.  Often to fuel the addiction, the person will steal money, forge their spouses name to get a loan or additional credit cards to fuel it, even engage in theft.
Racking Up Credit Card or Loan Debt.  This doesn't just happen to fuel an addiction, it can be done to spend money on just about anything. This can be very damaging in the marriage as it could hurt the couple's credit score, which could then lead to a denial of a mortgage, home equity loan, car loan, etc.
Taking Out One or More Credit Cards in Your Own Name and Not Telling Your Spouse.  At this point in our discussion, this should be a no-brainer.  Like many of the these practices, it involves deception and withholding of important information from the person's spouse.
Loaning or Giving Money to Family or Friends.  This one can cause a lot of hard feelings, especially when the money isn't paid back.  I have also seen this create problems in blended families where a spouse will give or lend money to their children from the first marriage, without consulting first with the current spouse.  A recipe for marriage disaster!

So what is the answer for all of this.  First, establish and budget and actually stick to it.  Second, have a policy of complete honesty and openness in the handling of money in your marriage.  No secrets, no lies, just be honest. Third, if you have been guilty of committing financial adultery, confess it to your spouse and seek to get things back on track with your finances.  Fourth, seek out sound financial advice from books and tapes from authors like Dave Ramsey, or take Financial Peace University when it is offered at your church or near-by location.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Friday, April 17, 2015

Who Has the Best Sex?

So who has the best sex, the single person who seeks out the next hook-up, the couple who live together, or the married couple?  The answer may surprise you, it is the married couple.  And it's not just the young married couple.  According to the researchers at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, married people have sex much more than single people.  According to their research, 61% of singles had not been intimate in the last 12 months, compared to only 18% of married couples.  According to research reported in the Journal of Marital Therapy, married couples with an active sex life report higher levels of satisfaction in their marriage, and in life.  Couples who had less frequent sex have lower relationship satisfaction. In the report "Sexuality in Marriage, Dating, and Other  Relationships:  A Decade Review," and published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, married couples have higher levels of sexual satisfaction.  Singles and cohabiting couples report much lower levels of sexual satisfaction.  According to a survey conducted by iVillage, love is enough to turn on married couples, 59 % of women, and 50% of men state that love for their spouse is enough to get them turned on.  The same survey found that sex became more predicable after marriage, and this is not a bad thing for most men and women. According to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, a surprising number of couples who have been together for more than 50 years are having more sex.  Mature married couples say that frequent and satisfying sex are one of the reasons they have a better marriage and happiness in life in general.
It is very interesting to me that, once again, the secular research here actually supports a biblical view of sexuality.  We learn from the Scriptures that God created us as sexual beings, and sex is meant to be enjoyed, and not just for procreation (Proverbs 5:15-21; Song of Solomon; 1 Corinthians 7:1-7).  Our Creator, knowing how sex works best, places sex within the context of heterosexual marriage (Genesis 2:24-25; Proverbs 18:22; Mark 10:6-9; Romans 1:18-27, Hebrews 13:4).  I think God does this for two reasons, to protect and to provide. He wants to protect us from physical and emotional harm.  And He wants to provide the best place for our sexuality to thrive.  What difference does a marriage commitment make for a couple's sex life?  When a couple  to each other in marriage first, they are making an unconditional promise and commitment to each other, that no matter what, they are in this relationship for life.  When a couple have that unconditional commitment, they are saying that no matter what happens in the bedroom, they are here to stay.  This means that sex is no longer a test, but is now a beautiful expression of the life-long, trusting, loving relationship. Sex thrives in the context of trust and unconditional commitment.  It changes the relationship from, "if you love me, you will let me be intimate with you" to "I love you, period." Having this provides the basis for greater oneness in not only in the bedroom, but in every aspect of a couple's relationship.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul