According to the United States Census Bureau, weddings for people 18 and older dropped to the lowest point in over a hundred years. The number of people getting married in 2009 dropped to a record low with only 52% of those 18 and older saying they were married. This compares to 57% in 2000. Marriage rates have been declining for years due to the rise in divorce and the increase in unmarried couples living together. Regarding marriage among adults 25 to 34, 46.3% reported that they had never married, It is the first time that the share of unmarried young adults exceeded the 44.9% who are married. Demographers believe that the current economic downturn may be causing more younger adults to postpone marraige as many struggle to find work and resist making long term commitments. Mark Mather of the Population Reference Bureau states, "Given the scope of the recent recession, many more couples are likely to chose cohabitation over marraige in the coming years."
So given the financial pressure people are facing, why not live together first? Doesn't make sense to save money on rent by living together? And with the high divorce rate, should we try things out and make sure we are compatible before committing to marriage?
This makes sense to a lot of people, but the research on marriage does not support these ideas. Couples who wait to be married before being sexually active or living together have a significantly lower divorce rate compared to couples who live together first. Studies also consistently show that couples who live together have more problems with conflict resolution, agreeing on major issues they face, and financial unity compared to couples who marry first before living together or being sexually active. Most surprising to many people, couples who marry first report having a better sexual relationship than those who live together or have sex outside of marriage. Why? I believe the reason for this comes down to the significance of the unconditional committment a couples makes when they get married first. The couple getting married first are basicially saying that regardless of how you perform sexually, or how much money you make, or anything else I learn about you once we live together, I am committed to you unconditionally. This removes a lot of the pressure and insecurity couples who cohabitate have to deal with. If you are thinking of living together to try things out first, you are short changing your relationship and increasing the chance of failure.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Your Marriage and Spiritual Warfare
The Bible teaches that Christians face something called spiritual warfare. There are a number of places that talk about this. The Bible says that our enemies are the world, the flesh, and the devil. In Ephesians 6, the Bible teaches that we do not wrestle just against flesh and blood, but against powers, principalities, against spiritual forces of wickedness in heavenly places. Peter writes in 1 Peter 5:8. “Be sober minded, be watchful. Your adversary, the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” This comes across to some people, even Christians, as a unusual, mysterious, even spookey. I believe this not only because the Bible teaches it, but I have seen the results of it in my own life.
Something that no one writes about or talks about is the issue of spiritual warfare in the Christian marriage. I believe spiritual warfare is found in the marriages of believers. Why do I say this? First, since spiritual warfare is experienced in the life of the individual Christian, it follows that when you bring two Christians together in a relationship, and in this case, in the intimate relationship of marriage, that it will be present there as well. Second, since marriage is the first institution started by God for human society, even before the church, it makes this a special target of Satan. If he can destroy marriages, he can cause tremendous damage to the family and to society as a whole. If you are a Christian, he can create even more damage to the family of God. And if you are a Christian leader, then you can hurt the churches and ministries where these leaders serve. Third, when I talk to Christian couples in marriage counseling, including pastors and missionaries, the hardest things for couples to do together is pray. Prayer is one of the key practices of the Christian life, and is listed as one of two offensive weapons we can use in our fight against Satan (the other is the Bible, also called the sword of the spirit).
So if I am correct in asserting that spiritual warfare is found in the Christian marriage, what should we do about it? Let me suggest a couple of ideas. Knowing that your marriage is a target of the Evil One should increase your awareness of the spiritual aspects of your marriage. Second, improving the spiritual practices that will strengthen the spiritual side of your marriage are important to fighting off your enemy. James 4:7 gives us a tremendous promise, "Resist the devil and he will flee from you." Think about competing in a wrestling match. What would you do to prepare for it? Practice various moves, do physical conditioning, and learn about your opponent. In the same way you need to strengthen your spiritual muscles. Prayer, studying the Bible, worship, and doing these things with your spouse are ways to fortify the spiritual side of your marriage. Be confident that if you will resist the devil and the tempations he attempts in your marriage, he WILL flee from you.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Something that no one writes about or talks about is the issue of spiritual warfare in the Christian marriage. I believe spiritual warfare is found in the marriages of believers. Why do I say this? First, since spiritual warfare is experienced in the life of the individual Christian, it follows that when you bring two Christians together in a relationship, and in this case, in the intimate relationship of marriage, that it will be present there as well. Second, since marriage is the first institution started by God for human society, even before the church, it makes this a special target of Satan. If he can destroy marriages, he can cause tremendous damage to the family and to society as a whole. If you are a Christian, he can create even more damage to the family of God. And if you are a Christian leader, then you can hurt the churches and ministries where these leaders serve. Third, when I talk to Christian couples in marriage counseling, including pastors and missionaries, the hardest things for couples to do together is pray. Prayer is one of the key practices of the Christian life, and is listed as one of two offensive weapons we can use in our fight against Satan (the other is the Bible, also called the sword of the spirit).
So if I am correct in asserting that spiritual warfare is found in the Christian marriage, what should we do about it? Let me suggest a couple of ideas. Knowing that your marriage is a target of the Evil One should increase your awareness of the spiritual aspects of your marriage. Second, improving the spiritual practices that will strengthen the spiritual side of your marriage are important to fighting off your enemy. James 4:7 gives us a tremendous promise, "Resist the devil and he will flee from you." Think about competing in a wrestling match. What would you do to prepare for it? Practice various moves, do physical conditioning, and learn about your opponent. In the same way you need to strengthen your spiritual muscles. Prayer, studying the Bible, worship, and doing these things with your spouse are ways to fortify the spiritual side of your marriage. Be confident that if you will resist the devil and the tempations he attempts in your marriage, he WILL flee from you.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Facebook Affairs
During the past year I have had a number of sad counseling sessions with a married person whose spouse got involved in an affair. These are always gut wrenching, heart breaking sessions. What makes some of these examples stand out is it is what I and other marriage counselors refer to as "facebook affairs." These marriage break-ups involved a spouse meeting someone on facebook who eventually becomes a lover. A prominent divorce attorney was recently quoted in the Philadelphia Inquirer who said that about 50% of the divorces he handles involve a spouse having an affair that involve Facebook. Think about that for a minute, 50%!
I want to be careful here not to put the blame on Facebook itself. It is a great way to connect with friends and family. And it isn't going anywhere in the near future. Obviously, there were problems in the people and marriages involved in these Facebook afairs. The problem is that Facebook makes it a lot easier to connect with people without having to travel anywhere or meet in person. A lot of the afairs also involve people connecting with old flames or people from a person's past, grade school, college, etc. There is often an innocent curiosity that leads to wanting to find out more about that attractive blonde or that good looking guy from your past. How do they look now, where has life taken them, etc. It also seems easier for a lot of people to flirt on Facebook when they would be more shy about it in person. And then there is the 24/7 opportunity to send messages or chat.
So how do we avoid a Facebook afair? First and foremost, work at making your marriage work. A strong relationship with your spouse is the best way to make your marriage affair-proof. Couples of all ages who are happily all give the same number one reason why this true for them. The number one reason they report is "my spouse is my best friend." Is that true for you and your spouse?
Second, give each other your Facebook account name and password so that you can both look at what is taking place your news feeds, profiles, messages, etc. I would also suggest that you tell each other who your new friends are and if there are any reservations, drop that person as a friend. Avoid accepting past romantic interests as friends. Have a policy of openness with each other's facebook accounts.
Third, make sure you spend more time talking to each other directly, and doing things with each other, compared to the amount of time you spend on Facebook or other computer activities. A big warning sign is if your spouse stays up later than your normal bed time spending time on Facebook. This is a common thread in many of the examples I have counseled. If your spouse is evasive about what they are doing, or who they are communicating with, you should be concerned.
Fourth, when you go on Facebook, do it when you are with your spouse. My wife and I are usually in the same room and in line of sight when we spend time on Facebook. Talk about what you are saying and doing, and with whom.
Finally, if you wouldn't say something flirty or provocative with someone in person, don't say it on Facebook. Keep the same standards of morality and propriety you would have in any other context. Be the same person in private that you are in public.
Facebook is nothing more than a tool to communicate with others. Just be discerning about what you say, and to whom you say it.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
I want to be careful here not to put the blame on Facebook itself. It is a great way to connect with friends and family. And it isn't going anywhere in the near future. Obviously, there were problems in the people and marriages involved in these Facebook afairs. The problem is that Facebook makes it a lot easier to connect with people without having to travel anywhere or meet in person. A lot of the afairs also involve people connecting with old flames or people from a person's past, grade school, college, etc. There is often an innocent curiosity that leads to wanting to find out more about that attractive blonde or that good looking guy from your past. How do they look now, where has life taken them, etc. It also seems easier for a lot of people to flirt on Facebook when they would be more shy about it in person. And then there is the 24/7 opportunity to send messages or chat.
So how do we avoid a Facebook afair? First and foremost, work at making your marriage work. A strong relationship with your spouse is the best way to make your marriage affair-proof. Couples of all ages who are happily all give the same number one reason why this true for them. The number one reason they report is "my spouse is my best friend." Is that true for you and your spouse?
Second, give each other your Facebook account name and password so that you can both look at what is taking place your news feeds, profiles, messages, etc. I would also suggest that you tell each other who your new friends are and if there are any reservations, drop that person as a friend. Avoid accepting past romantic interests as friends. Have a policy of openness with each other's facebook accounts.
Third, make sure you spend more time talking to each other directly, and doing things with each other, compared to the amount of time you spend on Facebook or other computer activities. A big warning sign is if your spouse stays up later than your normal bed time spending time on Facebook. This is a common thread in many of the examples I have counseled. If your spouse is evasive about what they are doing, or who they are communicating with, you should be concerned.
Fourth, when you go on Facebook, do it when you are with your spouse. My wife and I are usually in the same room and in line of sight when we spend time on Facebook. Talk about what you are saying and doing, and with whom.
Finally, if you wouldn't say something flirty or provocative with someone in person, don't say it on Facebook. Keep the same standards of morality and propriety you would have in any other context. Be the same person in private that you are in public.
Facebook is nothing more than a tool to communicate with others. Just be discerning about what you say, and to whom you say it.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Back to School
This time of year is always as time of mixed emotions. On the one hand, we as parents are happy to see our children make progress in learning, and experience new challenges and opportunities. On the other hand, it is hard to let go. Each year in school means another step closer to the teen years, graduation, college, or career. This has been a tough year for me personally. My sons are now both in college. This means we no longer have any kids left in our local school district. My youngest is now away at school. On top of that, my daughter is engaged and is preparing for marriage in the spring. She is home for her first year of graduate school. For the first time, I am the only male in my house! This means a few changes in addition to missing my sons. When it comes to TV show choices (from shows like Dealiest Warrior, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Pawn Stars to Say Yes to the Dress, Halmark movies, Bridezillas, etc), food served (my wife is moving away from making more meat and potatoes oriented food to all kinds of exotic recipes), target shooting now takes place by myself, or with a friend. When we left the boys at Liberty University, I even showed a some emotion, and it was a quiet ride for the first hour. However, at this stage of parenting, I am very thankful. None of the teenage year horror stories have been experienced in our home. No, Phyllis and I aren’t perfect parents, nor do we have perfect kids. Yes, we have had plenty of challenges to work through (and continue with even now). But seeing God honor the priorities I established is something I would not trade for anything. After my relationship with God, and my wife, was being a Dad for my three children. EVERYTHING else, including ministry, came after that. As you begin a new school year, regardless of whether your child is starting pre-school or kindergarten, or even high school, know that God is faithful. Know that the investment you make in your children will make a difference in their lives, and in yours.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
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