Facebook Affairs

During the past year I have had a number of sad counseling sessions with a married person whose spouse got involved in an affair. These are always gut wrenching, heart breaking sessions. What makes some of these examples stand out is it is what I and other marriage counselors refer to as "facebook affairs." These marriage break-ups involved a spouse meeting someone on facebook who eventually becomes a lover. A prominent divorce attorney was recently quoted in the Philadelphia Inquirer who said that about 50% of the divorces he handles involve a spouse having an affair that involve Facebook. Think about that for a minute, 50%!
I want to be careful here not to put the blame on Facebook itself. It is a great way to connect with friends and family. And it isn't going anywhere in the near future. Obviously, there were problems in the people and marriages involved in these Facebook afairs. The problem is that Facebook makes it a lot easier to connect with people without having to travel anywhere or meet in person. A lot of the afairs also involve people connecting with old flames or people from a person's past, grade school, college, etc. There is often an innocent curiosity that leads to wanting to find out more about that attractive blonde or that good looking guy from your past. How do they look now, where has life taken them, etc. It also seems easier for a lot of people to flirt on Facebook when they would be more shy about it in person. And then there is the 24/7 opportunity to send messages or chat.
So how do we avoid a Facebook afair? First and foremost, work at making your marriage work. A strong relationship with your spouse is the best way to make your marriage affair-proof. Couples of all ages who are happily all give the same number one reason why this true for them. The number one reason they report is "my spouse is my best friend." Is that true for you and your spouse?
Second, give each other your Facebook account name and password so that you can both look at what is taking place your news feeds, profiles, messages, etc. I would also suggest that you tell each other who your new friends are and if there are any reservations, drop that person as a friend. Avoid accepting past romantic interests as friends. Have a policy of openness with each other's facebook accounts.
Third, make sure you spend more time talking to each other directly, and doing things with each other, compared to the amount of time you spend on Facebook or other computer activities. A big warning sign is if your spouse stays up later than your normal bed time spending time on Facebook. This is a common thread in many of the examples I have counseled. If your spouse is evasive about what they are doing, or who they are communicating with, you should be concerned.
Fourth, when you go on Facebook, do it when you are with your spouse. My wife and I are usually in the same room and in line of sight when we spend time on Facebook. Talk about what you are saying and doing, and with whom.
Finally, if you wouldn't say something flirty or provocative with someone in person, don't say it on Facebook. Keep the same standards of morality and propriety you would have in any other context. Be the same person in private that you are in public.
Facebook is nothing more than a tool to communicate with others. Just be discerning about what you say, and to whom you say it.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul