Happy New Year!

As we ring in the New Year, I hope you will take a few minutes to think about whatever blessings you may have, especially the people God has placed in your life.  Take some time tomorrow to tell the people who mean so much to you that you love and appreciate them.  If there is someone you need to forgive, do it, and let them know that you forgive them.  Don't let another day, week, month, or year go by without taking this step.  This is the perfect time to let go of past hurts and forgive.
Time passes by so quickly.  The Bible says our lives are like a shadow (1 Chronicles 29:15) or as James 4:14 states, "What is your life?  For yo are a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes." Make every day count with the people who matter most, your family.  And live on the basis of grace, God's grace.  Jay Adams wrote a book entitled Christian Living in the Home.  In it he talks about the challenges of marriage and family, and how far it is from an ideal place where peace and harmony are always found.  Instead, he says that there is one thing you can say about the Christian home and it is this, "Sinners live there."
I wish you and the people who matter to you a blessed New Year based on the love and grace of God, who loves us with an everlasting love.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Affluenza: Are You Kidding Me?

Have you heard the latest insanity from our courts?  This example comes from the case of Ethan Couch, a 16 year old who killed four people and injured two others while driving drunk.  He had three times the legal limit of alcohol in his blood (of course, as a minor, any amount of alcohol is illegal.  He also had two other drugs in his system.  He was driving a pick up truck owned by his dad's company with stolen beer in it, and when his companions asked him to slow down, he sped up.  Certainly seems like some serious justice and punishment should be handed down, don't you think?  The prosecutor felt that 20 years in jail would be an appropriate sentence.  How about you?  Instead, Tarrant County Judge Jean Boyd sentenced him to no jail time, 10 years of probation and time in a longer term treatment facility.  The facility costs $450,000 per year, to be paid by the young man's wealthy parents.  It offers a number of amenities, including equine therapy and organic foods.  How does a judge come up with a sentence like this?
Well, this young man has parents with money, and they paid for a premier defense team. The team paid for a psychologist, Gary Miller, who testified that this poor kid suffered from "affluenza."  He said that his well to do parents gave their son whatever he wanted, including "freedoms no young person should have."  Are you kidding me?  Really, REALLY, affluenza!  Hey, at least this psychologist has guts.  But where is the head of this judge.  How could any judge look at the loved ones of those family members killed and hurt and say that justice is being served with a sentence like this?
Even if you buy this idea of affluenza being a reality, it doesn't hold any water in a criminal case like this.  First, just because his parents supposedly gave him no consequences for his bad behavior, there are plenty of other places, like school, where a child can learn there are consequences for bad behavior. Second, the judge is doing exactly what this psychologists is saying his parents did, give him no meaningful consequences for his now deadly behavior.
But we can all learn from this case in spite of the obvious insanity displayed by this judge.  Parents need to enforce consequences for the good and bad behavior of their children.  And the sooner the better.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

The Family That Stays Together…..

The Family Research Council just published a new study on the impact of married couples who stay together compared to couples who divorce.  The study found that a married couple's decision to stay together is more influential in lowering the number of teenage out-of-wedlock births, unemployment in fathers, and the number of Americans on welfare than any other factor.  Researchers found that family cohesion is the main factor in determining whether a child will graduate from high school, families avoiding the need for welfare, and the rate of employment among young men.
This is interesting news in light of the popular notion that if a couple is having problems in their marriage, it is better for them to divorce than to expose the kids to ongoing conflict. In fact this study is just the latest addition to the wealth of research demonstrating that unless there is physical abuse, sexual abuse, or drug use, it is better for the couple to stay together, seek counseling, and not give up on the marriage.  Kids need a mom and a dad, and they need to see them work out their problems, even when there is serious disagreement and disfunction.  By every measure, kids always are better off when their parents stay together.  Don't believe it?  Ask some children and adults you know whose parents split up.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Holiday Insanity

What happened to Thanksgiving with your family?  What happened to being content with what you have?  What happened to being polite?  It seems to me we have definitely lost our way this Thanksgiving.  Stores are now opening on Thanksgiving day and evening as a way to lure shoppers in and boost sales.  Great for the store, not great for the employees, and I would argue, not worth it for customers.  Is it really worth sacrificing precious time with family just to get the 50 inch, non-name brand TV on a super sale?  If you think it is, that's your choice, but what about the people forced to sacrifice their family time so that you can get your bargain?  We live in a society where people are increasingly disconnected to their family, their neighbors, and to meaningful relationships.
Then there is all of the goodwill expressed by some people as they compete to get the prized bargain.  I watched news reports of people who seem to have lost their mind so they don't lose their chance at getting what they think they must have.  A bunch of people fighting in a Walmart leading to one woman fighting the police and being arrested, all on video.  A store worker trampled in a K-Mart.  Our local Franklin Mills Mall featured to women fighting and one pulling a taizer on the other.  It was a WWE level brawl.  My favorite is the story out of Georgia of two men fighting over a parking spot, one man hitting the other, and the guy getting hit pulling a knife and stabbing his assailant.  Both men are now in jail.  Happy Thanksgiving fellows!
Is this really worth it?  Can't we make the decision to put family first?  Do you need whatever it is so bad that you are willing to go to jail over it?  For what its worth, I made the decision to not patronize any store open on Thanksgiving this week.  I hope more people will chose to do the same.  But more important, I hope you will think about the value of relationships over stuff, even stuff on sale.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Who's To Blame for the Problems in Your Marriage?

Take a moment and think about whatever problems and frustrations you have in your marriage.  Who's to blame for these problems?  What got me thinking about this was a recent quote from Tim Keller, "Marriage does not so much bring you into confrontation with your spouse as confront you with yourself."  I love this!  Most of the time when couples come to see me for counseling, the focus is on the deficits and failures of the other spouse.  "He/she doesn't listen, he/she doesn't meet my need for _________________, if only he/she would do _____________ our marriage would be so much better, etc.  What I love about Keller's quote is how it stops this in its tracks and forces you think about your entire approach to the problems in your marriage.  Instead of putting the focus on what your spouse is doing or not doing, the focus is put on what actions and attitudes you need to deal with in your own heart and life. 
People in counseling often ask me,  "Why is it so difficult to get along with my spouse?  How come I can get along with others easier than my spouse?"  Let me say first that it is not an issue of mutual compatibility.  I can prove that by the people I have counseled who are in their second marriage.  Unless we are dealing with issues of physical abuse or substance abuse by their spouse, they admit that the struggles they had in their prior marriage they are having in their current marriage.  I would suggest to you that there are two main reasons why it is harder to get along with the person you married.  First of all, you are sharing your life with this person and there is no pay check hanging over you to keep you in line. You can be fired at work for losing it, but not at home.  Second, as the Keller quote suggests, the struggles you have with your spouse bring out the issues you have to address in your own heart more than anyone else.  Your anger, laziness, self-centeredness, impatience, etc. are all exposed more in your marriage than in any other relationship.  To reference another favorite author, Gary Thomas, God designed marriage more to make us holy than to make us happy. God wants to produce the fruits of the Spirit in your life, which are described in Galations 5:22-23 as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.  How about that as a list of qualities to have in your life?  Guess what one of the primary places where God is at work to produce those fruits and to see them evident?  Yep, in your marriage and in your home.  If you are having a hard time with your spouse right now, take the focus off of him/her, and put it on yourself and ask God to show you how He is trying to confront you with yourself.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Dad's Do Make a Difference

Recently two professions journals published information regarding the difference fathers make in the lives of their children.  Personality and Social Psychology Review published the results of a meta-analysis of several decades of parenting studies.  One interesting finding was how much a father means to his children.  Kids who feel rejected by their fathers show higher rates of behavioral problems, delinquency, depression, and substance abuse more that those who feel rejected by their mothers. While rejection by a mother has negative consequences for a child, the degree of negative consequences for fathers is greater.  The Journal of Early Adolescence published a study suggesting children whose fathers use an authoritative parenting style show more persistence than other children, regardless of the mother's parenting style.  Persistence in these children was linked to lower rates of delinquency and greater involvement in school. 
Dads, don't be too quick to think less of your role in parenting.  Maybe you need to rethink your pursuit of divorce, or how much time you spend working compared to the time you spend with each of your kids, or exercising more loving authority in the lives of your children.  If you have been nothing more than an impregnator of women, maybe you need to connect with the children you have abandoned.  Ladies, maybe you need to rethink your pursuit of divorce, or encourage your husband in his role as a parent.  Single ladies, maybe before you allow a guy to be intimate with you, you need to insist on a commitment in marriage.   And maybe we need as a society need to rethink the ways we have been changing the definition of family in recent years. 
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Don't Give Up the Ship!

I have a coffee mug on my desk that I purchased when I was in Erie, PA a couple of years ago that reads, "Don't give up the ship."  The quote is from the battle flag on the USS Niagara in the Battle of Lake Erie. The words are actually the dying command of James Lawrence aboard the USS Chesapeake in a previous battle that year and placed on that battle flag by Commodore Matthew Perry who was in command of the USS Niagara.  I have this mug on my desk to encourage people to fight for their marriage or not give up in whatever personal problems they face.
I recently came across a modern day example of this in a real life story, of all places, out of Hollywood.    Mark Wahlberg recently received his high-school diploma after going back to school through an on-line study program for people who dropped out and want to finish their education.  He also just started a charitable organization to help adults finish their high school education over the internet.  Here is Mark's message, "To those student struggling every day and, most importantly, tho those who are looking for a second chance, I have a message for you: Never give up."
This can-do, never say die attitude is something I love.  And is something I see throughout the pages of the Bible.  You see it in the lives of men like Abraham, Moses, Joshua, David, Nehemiah, Paul, just to name a few.  Here are two quotes from Paul that reflect this.  The first is from the Book of Galations (6:9), "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  The other is from the Book of Philippians (3:13-14), "But one this I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Notice what gives Paul the hope to keep pressing on and not give up.  It is not his own strength or ability, it is his relationship with God.  If it is just up to me, I have no guarantee of success.  But if it is reliance on an all powerful, all knowing, and all present God, then there is no question that His plan for my life will happen, and it will be for His glory and my blessing.  Notice also that Paul is living for someone and something much bigger than himself and his own agenda.  His is living for God and His plan.  As you seek to press on, and not give up your ship, who are you relying on and who are you living for?
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

How Do You Define Love?

How do you define love?  I do a lot of pre-marital counseling and I always ask this question of couples preparing for their married life together.  I  hear a lot about feelings, meeting each others needs, giving, caring, and understanding.  Couples often talk about how they fell in love.  The idea of falling in love is one of the most ridiculous ideas conveyed in our popular culture.  You don't fall in love, you fall in ditches, potholes, trenches, and man holes without a cover.  The idea of falling in love conveys the idea of something happening to both people in a dating relationship, like some kind of force or power or emotion that comes over them.  Now I am all for romance, and the excitement of meeting someone and growing to love them.  The problem with the idea of falling in love is that if you fall in love, you can just as easily fall out of love, with no sense of commitment or personal responsibility.  Love is really all about choice, you chose to love to love someone and act in ways that are consistent with that decision. Certainly you may find yourself attracted to someone more than other people you may meet.  And that initial attraction will cause you to pursue a relationship with him or her.
When it comes to a definition of love, I think the best one ever written is found in the New Testament, in the book of 1 Corinthians, chapter 13.  As you read it, look at how much of what is described has to do with commitment, choices, actions, and how much has to do with emotion.  Let me share it with you:  Love is patient, love is kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it odes not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.  As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.  When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  when I became a man, I gave up childish ways.  For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.  Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three, but the greatest of these is love.  
I don't know about you, but I have never found a better understanding of love.  Of course, the next challenge is to put it into practice.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Teens and Social Media

I just read some interesting statistics on how much our teens are saturated with social media in our culture today.  According to the Center for Media Research, 90% of 13 to 17 year-olds have used some form of social media.  75% currently have a profile on a social networking site, and 20% have a Twitter account. The most popular place for social media is Facebook, with 68% saying they use it as their primary social networking platform.  Regarding their daily habits, 68% text every day, 51% visit social networking sites daily, 11% send or receive tweets at least once a day, and 34% visit their main social networking site several times a day.  Keep in mind, that none of this is texting, just social media.

Educators are noticing that the proliferation of texting and social media is having an impact on the way children write.  Instead of writing complete sentences, shortened phrases with abbreviations are creeping into the way kids write.  Also, penmanship seems to be suffering as well since kids are using keyboards and cellphone buttons instead of pen and paper.

For parents, it is vitally important for you to put limits on what your kids are doing on social media.  At what age do you think it is appropriate for your child to begin using social media, and what forms are acceptable to you?  This also means putting time limits on what they are doing, both in the amount of time spent, as well as when and how late your kids can be using it.  You should also give them guidance on what is acceptable and not regarding content.  Sexting (sending sexually provocative pictures) is an obvious example, but teaching your kids to be careful about communicating personal information is also important. Take time to teach your children manners regarding their use of social media when they are around other people. Finally, I strongly recommend that you be told of any and all social media outlets your kids are using and have 24-7 access to all of it.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

A Story That Made Me Smile

With all of the bad news in the world, here is a story that brought a smile to my face.  It is taken verbatim from NBC's Today Show.  In light of 9-11, it renews your faith in our people.

An 11-year-old boy's anonymous donation to his local police department captured the heart of his community and is inspiring others. Police wanted to thank him for it — but first they had to do a little detective work.

Two days after the 12th anniversary of the terror attacks of Sept. 11, a boy walked into his local police station in Greenfield, Wis., and shook more than $10 in loose change out of his bag. He told the woman at the desk he wanted to make a donation to the police, but walked out before she could get his name. 

"You don't expect that every day: Little guy to walk in and throw up his change," Brittany Eickhorst, who was working at the desk, told NBC News. "You know most kids are saving up for an Xbox or this game or that. (It's) just really heartwarming."

Touched by the offering, Greenfield police wanted to thank the mystery boy. So they posted surveillance video of him leaving the money at the station on YouTube and their Facebook page, asking people to identify the benevolent stranger.

They discovered the boy was sixth-grader Max Siepert, who had heard stories in his social studies class about the courage of police and firefighters who responded to the Sept. 11th tragedy. Max also has a family connection to law enforcement, as explained on the Greenfield Police Department's Facebook page.

"We've learned our mystery donor is 11-year-old Max," the police department's Facebook post said. "Max donated the money in memory of his grandfather, a Milwaukee Police Department officer who was killed in the line of duty in 1974. Max rode his bike to the police station without his parents' knowledge and didn't expect the attention. THANK YOU MAX and THANK YOU to your grandfather for his sacrifice."

It turns out the freckle-faced redhead had been saving his money since April, raising some of it via backyard talent shows as well as by soliciting donations from friends and relatives. "One day that's going to make a difference. It might not be a really big difference but at least it's something," said Max, who was interviewed about his good deed by several local TV stations.

Greenfield Assistant Police Chief Paul Schlecht told TODAY.com that he's heard Max has inspired others to donate to the department, and the story has lifted morale. "It's heartwarming. It's nice to see something good instead of all the bad stuff we hear about," Schlecht said. 

An 11-year-old boy's anonymous donation to his local police department captured the heart of his community and is inspiring others. Police wanted to thank him for it — but first they had to do a little detective work.

Two days after the 12th anniversary of the terror attacks of Sept. 11, a boy walked into his local police station in Greenfield, Wis., and shook more than $10 in loose change out of his bag. He told the woman at the desk he wanted to make a donation to the police, but walked out before she could get his name. 

"You don't expect that every day: Little guy to walk in and throw up his change," Brittany Eickhorst, who was working at the desk, told NBC News. "You know most kids are saving up for an Xbox or this game or that. (It's) just really heartwarming."

Touched by the offering, Greenfield police wanted to thank the mystery boy. So they posted surveillance video of him leaving the money at the station on YouTube and their Facebook page, asking people to identify the benevolent stranger.

They discovered the boy was sixth-grader Max Siepert, who had heard stories in his social studies class about the courage of police and firefighters who responded to the Sept. 11th tragedy. Max also has a family connection to law enforcement, as explained on the Greenfield Police Department's Facebook page.

"We've learned our mystery donor is 11-year-old Max," the police department's Facebook post said. "Max donated the money in memory of his grandfather, a Milwaukee Police Department officer who was killed in the line of duty in 1974. Max rode his bike to the police station without his parents' knowledge and didn't expect the attention. THANK YOU MAX and THANK YOU to your grandfather for his sacrifice."

It turns out the freckle-faced redhead had been saving his money since April, raising some of it via backyard talent shows as well as by soliciting donations from friends and relatives. "One day that's going to make a difference. It might not be a really big difference but at least it's something," said Max, who was interviewed about his good deed by several local TV stations.

Greenfield Assistant Police Chief Paul Schlecht told TODAY.com that he's heard Max has inspired others to donate to the department, and the story has lifted morale. "It's heartwarming. It's nice to see something good instead of all the bad stuff we hear about," Schlecht said. 

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

Always Remember, Never Forget

September 11, our Pearl Harbor, our day which will live in infamy.  It has been 12 years since that fateful morning when our nation was attacked by muslim terrorists.   It is a day to fly our flag, pause to pray for those who lost a loved one, and for the families of the firefighters, police officers, and EMT's who gave their lives, and to share with our young children what happened.  Let's also remember the firefighters and police officers and other volunteers who worked in the the rescue and recovery efforts who are now suffering from the contaminates they breathed. It is important to recognize that freedom is never free, and days like today keep us from forgetting the price that has been paid.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

MTV Music Award Insanity

To be honest, I have never been a fan of MTV, so I was not watching the MTV Music Awards program last night.  I woke up this morning to watch the news and one of the feature stories was about the show and the performances of a number of performers including Miley Cyrus.  I am not sure if this woman was on drugs, or feeling starved for attention, or what, but it was one of the most disgusting performances I have not had the pleasure of watching.  In fact, I could not watch it to the end, and I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
A number of thoughts came to mind after watching what I could stomach of her performance.  First, what will she say to her children one day when they happen upon the video?  A moment to be proud of, for sure.  Second, she is a performer with thousands of young fans.  What message is this sending to them?  Third, what is her family thinking about this one?  And fourth, it is so sad to realize that our society that our society continues to reach new lows in what is considered entertainment.  It is no surprise that the morally informed leadership of MTV rated the show as appropriate for children as young as 14.  However, there is hope.  The NY Times actually was critical of the performance and cited a number of national media outlets that found it to be disturbing.
I hope we don't see anything like this any time soon from Miley or anyone else.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Want to Help Your Teen?

So parents of teenagers, how's it going for you?  It can be a challenge at times, but can also be a great blessing.  I know, I recently graduated from being the parent of three teens.  Our youngest is now 21, so I have been there, done that.  I am grateful that all of our kids are followers of Jesus, none got hooked on drugs or alcohol, and I am not an unexpected grandparent.
Now you may be asking, "what's the secret Paul?"  Not sure I can give you a comprehensive answer, but I can share one thing that worked.  My wife and I made it a priority to have dinner together as a family at least 4 nights a week, and we tried for 5 or 6 nights a week as much as possible.  I have long been a believer in the benefits of this simple practice.  Recently the latest study confirming this has been published by Columbia University's Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse.  It found that teens who have dinner with their parents 3 or fewer times a week are 4 times more likely to smoke tobacco, twice as likely to drink alcohol, 2.5 times more likely to smoke pot, and 4 times as likely to say they will try drugs in the future as those who gather for dinner 5 to 7 times a week with their parents. 
Give it a try, over time it will make a difference.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

When Are You Happiest?

Now that I am back from vacation, I came across a study that looked at when people are happiest in terms of their age.  Can you guess at what age people say they are happiest?  Can you guess at what age people are the least happy?  A study of 23,100 people between the ages of 17 and 85 was recently completed by the Center for Economic Performance at the London School of Economics.  They found that people age 23 and 69 are the happiest.  Can you guess why?  At age 23, most people have finished their education and are most optimistic about their future.  They have their whole adult life ahead of them.  At age 69, most people have gotten past of their regret over unrealized life dreams and goals, but also are not facing the same degree of health decline as older seniors.
So let's talk about at what age people are the least happy.  The same study found that people in their early to mid-fifties are the saddest.  People in their early fifties are taking stock of their lives and many experience regret about things they have done and sorrow over the unrealized dreams.  Speaking as someone in his early fifties, I might add that my body is not as fast, flexible and fit as it once was, so it wouldn't surprise me if this is at work as well.  But don't despair, because the study also reports that happiness begins to increase after 55 until the final peak at 69.  But then it is down in the dumps again when people get past age 75.
Wouldn't be great if we could experience happiness regardless of a person's age?  I think Jesus had an answer for this.  In John chapter 15 Jesus compares himself to a vine, His Father as the vinedresser, and His followers as the branches.  I am the vine, you are the branches.  Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing (John 15:5).  Jesus is asserting here that He is the source of a fruitful life, and notice here is no age limitation placed on it.  What does having a relationship with Jesus have to do with happiness.  Jesus answers this in verse 11, These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.  
Something to think about at any age!
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Why Dad's Matter

Today our society does a lot to undermine the importance of dads and men.  Our culture has been overly feminized.  We don't let boys be boys.  The media men often portrays men as either over violent killing and mayhem machines, or as bumbling idiots who need to be corrected or rescued by their wives or children.  There are women who chose to have a child without a father.  Or in the attempt to redefine marriage in the so-called “gay marriage” movement, you will have children adopted and raised by two women.  When God designed marriage and family, He designed it to be a man and a woman who commit to the covenant of marriage, and then, as God wills, have children.  Every child needs a mom and a dad.  Every child. 

Let me illustrate this.  A few years ago I was speaking on family issues at Sandy Cove in Maryland.  A woman came up to me after my presentation to talk to me about her grandson.  She brought him for the kids program hoping it would help him.  He was doing poorly in school, he was hanging with a bad crowd, got caught with pot, and admitted to drinking.  In tears she asked me what she could do to help him.  I said, “Before I answer your question, let me ask a couple of questions. First, where is his dad?”  She said, “He has been out of the picture for many years now.  How did you know to ask that question?” 

Where’s dad?  Men, you have a vital role to play in your marriage, in your family, and in our society, and don’t let anyone diminish that.  Research in early childhood development has discovered that even dad’s rough housing with their children is vitally important to their development.  Researchers from the University of Newcastle in Australia found that between the ages of 2.5 to 5, dad’s playing with their kids and being rough and tumble with them helps their brains develop the ability to manage emotion, thinking, and their physical body.  Self-regulation, and the ability of children to learn discipline is a key stage in their development and has important implications for their later adult years.  Scientists have also discovered that oxytocin, the chemical that is released in a child when it is nursing with his mother, is also released when dads play rough and tumble with their children.

So men, dads, don't let anyone tell you that you don't matter, you do.  Let me end with these words of challenge from Nehemiah, chapter 4, Don't be afraid.  Remember the Lord your God who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.

Blessings,

Dr. Paul  

The Power of Forgiveness

     I spend a lot of time reading various journals and articles describing the latest research on marriage and family.  Over the years I have found it fascinating how many secular studies wind up confirming insights and principles found in the Bible.  The latest of these has to do with the role of forgiveness in marriage.  I happen to be certified to use a marriage and pre-marital evaluation tool called Prepare-Enrich.  This tool was developed by Dr. David Olsen, a faculty member of the University of Minnesota.
     One of the relationship categories this tool measures is forgiveness, the ability of the couple to give and receive forgiveness following a hurt, conflict, or betrayal.  After thousands of these evaluations, here is what the Prepare-Enrich team has concluded:
"Forgiveness has been found to be a very significant component in the relationships of happy couples. In a study of over 7,000 married couple who took PREPARE/ENRICH, 87% of Vitalized couples (a vitalized couple has a very strong relationship with a very low probability of divorce) had high scores in forgiveness indicating it to be a relationship strength.  Devitalized couples (a devitalized couple has a very poor relationship with a high probability of divorce) had low scores in forgiveness indicating this was a growth area in their relationship."
     What Dr. Olsen is pointing out is that strong couples have a higher ability to give and receive forgiveness.  And this happens to line up with one of the most important relationship principles of the Bible.  Scripture is full of references to the importance and power of forgiveness.  In Colossians 3:12-13 Paul says, "Put on then, ... compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive." Try applying this truth to your marriage and you will find yourself in a much stronger relationship.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Celebrating Mom

Today we celebrate the important role that mothers play in all of our lives.  For some of us, it can be a day of mixed emotions as you may lave lost your mom and miss her.  And there are some women who have lost a baby recently or long to have a child but have not been able to conceive.  However, we don't want to take away from who are mom's are and what they do for us.  Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, wrote the book of Proverbs and in his closing chapter, wrote of a godly, righteous mother.  Abraham Lincoln said that all he was, and hoped to become, was because of his mom.
A young girl was asked one day, "Where is your home."  Her answer, "Wherever my Mommy is."  I think that says it all.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

More Judicial Insanity

In April US Federal Judge Edward Korman issued a ruling that the "morning after" abortion pill should be made available, without prescription, to any young woman of any age.  Last week the Obama administration's FDA leadership determined that it should be made available to girls as young as 15 years of age.  While this makes more sense than Judge Korman's ruling, this is still judicial insanity in my mind.  In addition to this medicine being made available over-the-counter, there is no requirement that the child have the parent's permission.
My wife substitutes as a school nurse and whenever a child comes to her office wanting an aspirin or a tylenol, she has to look up whether the parent has given prior permission for their child to have it.  If not, she has to call the parent and seek their permission over the phone before she can give it to the child.  Seems to make perfect sense to me.  But not to our government when it comes to abortion on demand, parental rights, and doing what is morally correct.
It really comes down to this, while my child can't get something as harmless as an aspirin in school without my permission, this idiot federal judge has ruled that my child can decide for herself to take a powerful, body altering, life destroying drug with my knowledge or consent!  Just one more example of how off our nation's moral compass has become and how far down the moral sewer we continue to descend.
I hope parents will take time to contact their members of Congress to demand that this order be overturned through common sense, morally responsible, parent respecting legislation.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Appreciating Those Who Run In

Last week was a difficult week for our nation.  For our first responders, police officers, fire fighters, emergency medical technicians, each group experienced loss of a brother or sister.  Most of the people killed in the West, Texas explosion were volunteer fire fighters and EMT's.  Police officer Sean Collier was killed by the two terrorists.

It was interesting to me to see the reaction of the people from Westfield and Boston when the last terrorist was caught.  People were cheering and chanting in celebration.  As police cars drove past, people were clapping and expressing their gratitude.  At the Boston Bruins hockey game, the players gave their jerseys to the police officers present.  They gave the shirts off their backs.

All of these expressions of gratitude are great to see.  But why does it take a tragedy for our first responders to be appreciated? These men and women stand in harm's way for us every day.  They run in while others are running out.  Their spouses never know if their loved one will come home that night.  The stress of their lives is something most people just don't understand.

So let me encourage you to do two things.  First, pray for our first responders.  When you hear a siren or see flashing lights, do what I do.  Offer a prayer for their safety.  Second, take a moment when you see an officer, an EMT, or firefighter, and thank them for their service.  Offer to buy them a cup of coffee.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Smart Phone Addiction

Recently I have been accused, and rightly so, of being a bit too attached to my iphone.  According to a survey by Wikia, at least 50% of young people are actively connected at least 10 hours per day, and one in four are connected within 5 minutes of waking up.  A study in 2011 found that when young people unplugged from technology for just 24 hours, the vast majority reported experiencing physical and mental symptoms of distress.  You may joke about being "addicted to your phone, but unfortunately, the symptoms of technology addiction could really be adding stress to your life.  And then I came across a study that suggests 6 signs that your smart phone is stressing you out.  So read on and ask yourself if you are a bit too attached to your's:

1.  When your phone goes off and you have to respond right away.
If unanswered texts or emails raise your heart rate, there's a good chance that your smartphone is adding stress to your life rather than making it easier.  If you are constantly interrupting what you're doing, whether its doing school work or spending quality time with your family or friends to check your phone, it might be a sign that your behavior has become compulsive.
2.  You have Phantom Cellphone Syndrome.
This is when you think your phone is vibrating in your pocket, but when you take it out, the phone was never activated.This experience is a real sign of technology addiction and it's more common than you think.  A study conducted at Indiana University found that 89% of undergrads had experienced nonexistent cellphone vibrations.
3.  You Have a Bad Case of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).
Are you constantly thinking about what everyone else is doing and all the things you might be missing out on at any given moment?  Does scrolling through party photos and enthusiastic weekend updates on your New Feed make you feel sad or anxious?  Then you have FOMO.  You especially can experience this when you aren't able to use or get to your phone for an extended period time.
4. You Feel Restless When You Are Away From Your Phone.
This is where you experience withdrawal symptoms when you can't check your phone or respond to messages.  Studies have found that some people have symptoms similar to those experienced by drug addicts.
5.  You Aren't Paying Attention to Friends and Family
You are with your family or friends, and your phone goes off.  Instead of ignoring it, you answer or respond.  Or you find yourself checking your email or social media in the middle of dinner or some other time when you are with other people who are important to you.
6.  Poor School Performance.
If you're having an increasing difficult time focusing in class and eagerly await the ringing of the bell you that you can check your phone and return that unanswered text, an internet or smartphone addiction could be one reason for low grades.
So how did you do?  If you are like me, you realize that maybe you are a little too attached.  Just reading these can be convicting!  So what do you do about it?  If you find yourself going to bed looking at your phone, and then looking at it as soon as you get up, don't put your phone on your bedside table.  Keep it away from your bed. During the course of your day, set certain times when you will look at your phone or get on social media, and make it a point not to use your phone when you are with other people you care about.  Feeling restless? Use a coping mechanism like taking a deep breath or going for a walk to help you cope.  You can also get an app that will block your phone and online activity while you are in school or doing homework.

Time to go, I have to answer my phone.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

The Man Cave

Last week I attended the Wildfire Men's weekend with my sons and my mother-in-law's husband.  It was great to be with them, and at an event celebrating what it means to be a man, and a man who seeks to love God and his family.  Let me tell you, this event was all testosterone.  From the guys of the Power Team bending rebar with their teeth and bare hands, to a paint ball arena, to displays for hunting, fishing, knives, the NRA, responsible investing, to seminars on self-defense, extreme sports, being a better husband and father, this weekend was like one big man cave.  Speakers included Tim Tebow and Willie Robertson (from the reality show Duck Dynasty). No flowers, no butterflies, and no feminizing of Christianity.  The theme verse for the weekend was Nehemiah 4:14, Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes. 
I believe that because men have not always been the godly leaders of their home and church, that the church has lost its edge, its courage, and we have replaced a manly Jesus with one who sings Kumbaya and picks daisies.  We also live in a society where it is ok to deride men.  Just look at many shows on TV today.  Men are portrayed as bungling idiots who need their wives, girlfriends, or kids to save them from themselves.  Men are viewed as weak cowards, not strong leaders. 
It is time to bring a healthy correction to the church and our society's view of men.  We need to acknowledge the unique, complementary, and important roles of both women and men.  This week I was talking to a young man who grew up without his dad present.  He entered into a life of violence and crime, but thankfully God has gotten ahold of him and he is seeking to become the father to his kids he never had.  A few years ago I was a speaker at Sandy Cove Ministries and a woman approached me afterward seeking some advice.  She came with her grandson hoping he would benefit from the great program they have for kids.  She spoke of the problems he was having at home and school, getting into fights, disrespecting his mom.  Do you know what the first question I asked her?  Where is Dad? Her reply, He left the family.  There, in a nutshell, was the basis of this boys problems. 
I was blessed to have a dad who loved me, spent time with me, and sought to be a godly example to me.  Now that he is in heaven, I have a big hole in my life and my heart.  Driving home, I thought about how great it would be to tell him about our time at Wildfire and show him some of the pictures.  That will have to wait, but in the mean time, I can carry on his legacy of manhood and seek to be the kind of dad to my sons that he was to me. 
I think it is time we men take to heart passages like Nehemiah 4:14 and be who God has created us, and called us to be.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

A Day Which will Last in Infamy

This week marks the 40th anniversary of a day of infamy in America.  I am referring to the Supreme Court decision to legalize abortion.  Since then, over 57 million unborn children have been killed in the name of choice. There are a lot of arguments I could make as to why this decision is so wrong.  But I want to leave you with just one thought.  I was listening to a radio advertisement by the Susan G. Koman three day walk for a cure to breast cancer. In this ad there are women speaking of what a great experience it was for them, as light catchy music plays in the background.  The announcer then states why it is so important for people to participate in the walk to find a cure for breast cancer, "because every person deserves a life time." Shouldn't that apply to unborn children?
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Faith, Hope, Love, and Grief

To be honest, it is still hard for me to get my mind ahold of the idea that Dad is no longer here.  There continue to be times when I want to give him a call and tell him something, or I think about visiting him, and then I realize that Dad is with the Lord.  As I reflect on these past couple of weeks since his death, and how Mom and I are doing, three things stand out for me, Faith, Hope, and Love. 
Faith is how my relationship with God has been a great source of comfort and strength.  When you lose someone this close, it gets you thinking about what matters in life, and causes you to pause and think about your own mortality.  I know that Jesus understands loss, grief, and death, because He experienced all three.  So being a Christ follower means I have a God to turn to who doesn't just sympathize, He also empathizes with me. 
Flowing out from my faith is hope.  Hope in the promise of eternal life.  As Jesus said in John 3:16, For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but shall have eternal life.  I know that because of dad's faith, he is with the Lord.  And I know that because of my faith, I will be re-united with him one day.  Death is not the final end for the Christ follower, it is a transition.  A transition from the life of sin, suffering, and death, to life eternal. 
Flowing out from faith is also love.  Love for God, God's love for me, and the kind of brotherly love that is found in the family of God.  I have been deeply touched by the love and concern shown by people, believers and non-beleivers alike.  But there is something about the family of God that brings people together in a deeper way that the world simply can't understand.  And what a difference it has made to know that people are taking the time to pray for us as a family, and reach out in other tangible ways. 
All of this doesn't take away the grief I feel when I think about Dad and how I miss him, but it sure makes it a lot easier to deal with.  As the Bible tells us, we grieve, but not as people who have no hope, for God is with us, and He is faithful to His promises for all eternity. 

Blessings,
Dr. Paul