How can you truly resolve family conflicts? Let's start with your own mindset when it comes to conflict in your family. The first step is realizing that whenever we are talking about people, there is going to be conflict. And the more time you spend around someone, the more potential there is for conflict. The Bible says the reason for this is sin, you are born with a nature that wants to put yourself first. I want what I want, when I want it, and how I want it. Having this mindset will help keep you from turning every conflict into a catastrophy.
The second mindset simply involves wanting to see conflict resolved. Some people seem to thrive on conflict, stirring the pot, always having to win the argument or getting the last word. Along with this can be a reluctance to admit fault or to say "I am sorry." Having a mindset that desires peace and harmony in your family relationships, and being willing to do what it takes to resolve it when it happens will go a long way toward see this goal achieved. Remember, you can't change anyone, but you can change how you respond to conflict.
Let me suggest three practical things you can do to resolve conflicts. The first is to simply forgive the person and move on without making it an issue. Overlooking conflict is different than avoiding conflict. When you avoid conflict, you are pretending that there really isn't a problem, you refuse to deal with it. Overlooking conflict and forgiving involves acknowledging to yourself that the other person did do something to offend or hurt you. But you determine that it is not something serious enough to confront them. So you make a concious decision to overlook it, forgive them, and forget it. You don't dwell on it, stew about it, or let it put distance between you and the other person.
Let's say the offense is not something you can overlook, then you need to go to that person and talk about what took place. I suggest that you avoid using statements that begin with the word "you." When you start by taking about what the other person did, you put them on the defensive right away. Instead, use "I and me" statements and focus on how you were hurt or impacted by what happened. If you know that you did something to contribute to the problem, start by confessing that to the other person and ask for their forgiveness. This will help open the door for the them to also respond with humility and admit their part in the conflict. Let's say you honestly can't think of anything you did to contribute to the conflict, you can still say early in the discussion, "If I did anything to offend you, or contribute to this problem, please tell me so I can seek your forgiveness and help resolve this."
Another way to start the conversation is to talk about how much the person means to you. Let them know that your relationship with them is important to you, you value them, and you want to maintain a healthy family. This will let them know that the conversation really isn't as about "you" or "me", but us. How can "we" move past this and maintain a good relationship.
After you "break the ice" by admitting your part or talking about how important your relationship is to you, talk the specifics of how you viewed what happened and its impact on you. Give them the opportunity to voice their view of things, and seek to find common ground. What are the things you agree on, and verbalize them first. Then talk about where you disagree and seek to find a compromise where possible, and extend forgiveness.
Let's say you try to discuss this, and you still can't get it resolved. A third way to resolve conflict is to contact your pastor, a counselor, or some other neutral third party who has experience working with people to serve as a mediator. This person will hear both sides and offer suggestions and ideas on how to work out the problem. Do this before things build up over time and cause bitterness and you and the other person digging in for a long battle of attrition and trench warfare. This will bring nothing but further pain, heartache, and a greater division in your family.
For more information on how to resolve conflict, I recommend you consult Peace Maker ministries, and the books on Peace Making by Ken Sande. There you will find a wealth of information.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
How Not to Resolve Family Conflict
Conflict in your immediate family can be so disheartening. When it involves your in-laws, it not only impacts your relationship with them, but often puts a strain on your relationship with your spouse. Unresolved, it can lead to family members being forced to take sides, battles over children and grandchildren spending time with parents or grandparents, even law suits. So how do we resolve conflict, especially in your immediate family?
Today I want to talk first about some ways people don't resolve it. One response to conflict is to run. Escaping from conflict can involves removing yourself from the person or situation. Now there may be times when it is a good idea to withdraw, temporarily, from the conflict, especially when tempers are flaring, insults are flying, and you need to calm your emotions, seek counsel, or get your thoughts together. But in most cases, running from conflict puts off a genuine resolution to the problem. Having the conflict hang over you can keep you on edge, cause you to stew over the problem, and can devolve into bitterness.
Another common response that doesn't work is to pretend that there isn't a problem. "Conflict, what conflict, there's no conflict." Acting like there isn't a problem when one really exists is no better than the story of the emperor's new clothes. The problem becomes the elephant in the room that no one has the courage to talk about.
On the other extreme, there are times when instead of running away from the conflict, you arm yourself for battle and take on the other party with guns blazing. This means winning the argument at all costs by seeing the other person as your opponent and using verbal attacks such as yelling, insulting your opponent, or even resorting to physical violence.
Another form of this is not as direct, but is just as hurful and can be very insidious. This is when the person resorts to passive-aggressive responses. You don't attack the person directly, but you ignore them, give them the silent treatment, fail to support the person in other situations, and simply look for ways to make life more difficult for the person you consider to be your opponent.
So take a moment to look in the mirror and honestly ask yourself, "Am I guilty of any of these repsonses?" How have I contributed to the conflict? Have I done anything in my words, attitudes, or actions to make the problem worse? As Jesus tells us in the Gospels, before you can take the speck out of the other person's eye, take the log out of your own eye.
Next post I will share some ways that you can actually resolve the conflict and bring about true reconciliation and healing in your family.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Today I want to talk first about some ways people don't resolve it. One response to conflict is to run. Escaping from conflict can involves removing yourself from the person or situation. Now there may be times when it is a good idea to withdraw, temporarily, from the conflict, especially when tempers are flaring, insults are flying, and you need to calm your emotions, seek counsel, or get your thoughts together. But in most cases, running from conflict puts off a genuine resolution to the problem. Having the conflict hang over you can keep you on edge, cause you to stew over the problem, and can devolve into bitterness.
Another common response that doesn't work is to pretend that there isn't a problem. "Conflict, what conflict, there's no conflict." Acting like there isn't a problem when one really exists is no better than the story of the emperor's new clothes. The problem becomes the elephant in the room that no one has the courage to talk about.
On the other extreme, there are times when instead of running away from the conflict, you arm yourself for battle and take on the other party with guns blazing. This means winning the argument at all costs by seeing the other person as your opponent and using verbal attacks such as yelling, insulting your opponent, or even resorting to physical violence.
Another form of this is not as direct, but is just as hurful and can be very insidious. This is when the person resorts to passive-aggressive responses. You don't attack the person directly, but you ignore them, give them the silent treatment, fail to support the person in other situations, and simply look for ways to make life more difficult for the person you consider to be your opponent.
So take a moment to look in the mirror and honestly ask yourself, "Am I guilty of any of these repsonses?" How have I contributed to the conflict? Have I done anything in my words, attitudes, or actions to make the problem worse? As Jesus tells us in the Gospels, before you can take the speck out of the other person's eye, take the log out of your own eye.
Next post I will share some ways that you can actually resolve the conflict and bring about true reconciliation and healing in your family.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Family Christmas Conflict
If you are like most people, having the extended family around during the holidays does not bring joy, peace, and goodwill toward men. Why do we seem to have more conflict around the holidays? Here are some thoughts about why the Christmas season can be a nightmare. Certainly the increase in activities and the running around adds stress to everyone's life. And then you are spending time with relatives who normally don't spend as much time with. They are hanging around your family room, going in your refrigerator, using your bathroom, messing with your TV remote!
Add to this that many people, especially women, go into the holiday season with a higher ideal of what they want the family to be (for us men, we often just bounce from one thing to the next, just tell us where we need to be and when). And when it doesn't meet that ideal, we get upset, down, and look for someone to blame (I can't believe how your parents acted, your family gave the dumbest gifts, can't they ever be on time for anything........). Just spending more time around family members you may not see as much the rest of the year can be a breeding ground for conflict. Conflicting ideas about how the holiday time should be spent (why do we have to go to church again), who spend should spend it with who (what do you mean, you aren't having Christmas dinner with us!), how much money family members spend on each other, these are just some of the flash points.
I think a lot of this has to do with underlying expectations that you and your family members can have. These expectations are often unspoken, but drive the conflict you see on the surface. These expectations can be based on value and importance you place on spending time together or apart, how we should worship, how strongly family boundaries should be respected or crossed, how you handle the kids compared to others in your family, the role of alcohol, just to name a few.
Let's zero in on the relationships that tend to bring the most conflict. When I was in graduate school, my professor for Marriage and Family Counseling often talked about the "Big 3" of marriage conflict, money, sex, and kids. After 25 years of counseling, I would like to add a fourth, IN-LAWS. Dealing with the extended family is another source of difficulty. It is interesting to me that studies of newlyweds, "middlyweds," and "oldlyweds" all state that dealing with in-laws and extended family are a source of frustration and conflict. The in-law relationship that tends to bring the most conflict is the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship. Father-in-law, son-in-law can also create problems, but often ranks second. Again, I think it has to do with the ideals women place on the holidays, but also how time is spent preparing for the holiday time, or being in the kitchen together. Lots of opportunity (remember Mary and Martha going at it, Luke 10:38-42?) for sniping and griping (the guys are probably falling asleep watching football together, another issue to be dealt with!).
From the perspective of the parents/grandparents, after years of having your children be with you, doing what you want, now you have to let them go, establish their own identity, and decide how they want to spend the holiday. That isn't easy! You and your spouse have always done it a certain way, and now a new son or daughter-in-law brings a whole new set of ideas and expectations into the picture. Even if your children are not married, when they get into the teen years, they want to enjoy the traditions you have, but they also desire to be with their peers. This often means negotiating how they spend their time with friends verses you, the parents.
So after all of this, do we give up on celebrating Christmas? No, we just need to recognize that all of us are broken, flawed people. If everyone would simply do what I think they should do, when I think they should do it, and I think it should be done, the world would be a better place! The Bible is clear that we should expect conflict (Matthew 5:23-24, Ephesians 4:26, James 4:1-10). It is the inevitable result of sinful people being around each other. Conflict is found in every relationship, so how do we resolve these conflicts? I will share some suggestions in my next blog. And if you have a good story of extended family being together for the holidays, or a horror story, send it to me at drpaul@insightcounsel.org.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Add to this that many people, especially women, go into the holiday season with a higher ideal of what they want the family to be (for us men, we often just bounce from one thing to the next, just tell us where we need to be and when). And when it doesn't meet that ideal, we get upset, down, and look for someone to blame (I can't believe how your parents acted, your family gave the dumbest gifts, can't they ever be on time for anything........). Just spending more time around family members you may not see as much the rest of the year can be a breeding ground for conflict. Conflicting ideas about how the holiday time should be spent (why do we have to go to church again), who spend should spend it with who (what do you mean, you aren't having Christmas dinner with us!), how much money family members spend on each other, these are just some of the flash points.
I think a lot of this has to do with underlying expectations that you and your family members can have. These expectations are often unspoken, but drive the conflict you see on the surface. These expectations can be based on value and importance you place on spending time together or apart, how we should worship, how strongly family boundaries should be respected or crossed, how you handle the kids compared to others in your family, the role of alcohol, just to name a few.
Let's zero in on the relationships that tend to bring the most conflict. When I was in graduate school, my professor for Marriage and Family Counseling often talked about the "Big 3" of marriage conflict, money, sex, and kids. After 25 years of counseling, I would like to add a fourth, IN-LAWS. Dealing with the extended family is another source of difficulty. It is interesting to me that studies of newlyweds, "middlyweds," and "oldlyweds" all state that dealing with in-laws and extended family are a source of frustration and conflict. The in-law relationship that tends to bring the most conflict is the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship. Father-in-law, son-in-law can also create problems, but often ranks second. Again, I think it has to do with the ideals women place on the holidays, but also how time is spent preparing for the holiday time, or being in the kitchen together. Lots of opportunity (remember Mary and Martha going at it, Luke 10:38-42?) for sniping and griping (the guys are probably falling asleep watching football together, another issue to be dealt with!).
From the perspective of the parents/grandparents, after years of having your children be with you, doing what you want, now you have to let them go, establish their own identity, and decide how they want to spend the holiday. That isn't easy! You and your spouse have always done it a certain way, and now a new son or daughter-in-law brings a whole new set of ideas and expectations into the picture. Even if your children are not married, when they get into the teen years, they want to enjoy the traditions you have, but they also desire to be with their peers. This often means negotiating how they spend their time with friends verses you, the parents.
So after all of this, do we give up on celebrating Christmas? No, we just need to recognize that all of us are broken, flawed people. If everyone would simply do what I think they should do, when I think they should do it, and I think it should be done, the world would be a better place! The Bible is clear that we should expect conflict (Matthew 5:23-24, Ephesians 4:26, James 4:1-10). It is the inevitable result of sinful people being around each other. Conflict is found in every relationship, so how do we resolve these conflicts? I will share some suggestions in my next blog. And if you have a good story of extended family being together for the holidays, or a horror story, send it to me at drpaul@insightcounsel.org.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Starting Simple for the New Year
This past Sunday I spoke on a passage of scripture that I think provides a simple, spiritual, recipe for the New Year. After all of the Christmas holiday madness, I think it is especially timely to think about making our lives more simple and get back to basics. The passage I am referring to is Micah 6:8, "And what does the Lord require of you, O man, but to do justly, to love kindness (or mercy), and to walk humbly with your God." I love the simplicity of this verse. God simply wants us to reflect His character, who He is. He is a God who is all about doing what is right and just, and He is a God of grace. And so he calls us to do what is right, and to not just be kind, but to love kindness.
He wraps it up with encouraging us to walk humbly with our God. Notice he tells us not to run, or even to jog, but to walk. You get the sense of a regular, steady pace, not a rush, no being in a hurry. It is the difference between driving through your neighborhood, verses walking through your neighborhood. The slower pace allows you to see and hear things you would miss if you just drove down the street. He also encourages us to walk with humility. It takes humility to admit that you need God, that you can't save yourself, you don't have all of the answers.
I hope you will think about taking this verse and making it your own for 2010.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
He wraps it up with encouraging us to walk humbly with our God. Notice he tells us not to run, or even to jog, but to walk. You get the sense of a regular, steady pace, not a rush, no being in a hurry. It is the difference between driving through your neighborhood, verses walking through your neighborhood. The slower pace allows you to see and hear things you would miss if you just drove down the street. He also encourages us to walk with humility. It takes humility to admit that you need God, that you can't save yourself, you don't have all of the answers.
I hope you will think about taking this verse and making it your own for 2010.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
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