Who's To Blame for the Problems in Your Marriage?

Take a moment and think about whatever problems and frustrations you have in your marriage.  Who's to blame for these problems?  What got me thinking about this was a recent quote from Tim Keller, "Marriage does not so much bring you into confrontation with your spouse as confront you with yourself."  I love this!  Most of the time when couples come to see me for counseling, the focus is on the deficits and failures of the other spouse.  "He/she doesn't listen, he/she doesn't meet my need for _________________, if only he/she would do _____________ our marriage would be so much better, etc.  What I love about Keller's quote is how it stops this in its tracks and forces you think about your entire approach to the problems in your marriage.  Instead of putting the focus on what your spouse is doing or not doing, the focus is put on what actions and attitudes you need to deal with in your own heart and life. 
People in counseling often ask me,  "Why is it so difficult to get along with my spouse?  How come I can get along with others easier than my spouse?"  Let me say first that it is not an issue of mutual compatibility.  I can prove that by the people I have counseled who are in their second marriage.  Unless we are dealing with issues of physical abuse or substance abuse by their spouse, they admit that the struggles they had in their prior marriage they are having in their current marriage.  I would suggest to you that there are two main reasons why it is harder to get along with the person you married.  First of all, you are sharing your life with this person and there is no pay check hanging over you to keep you in line. You can be fired at work for losing it, but not at home.  Second, as the Keller quote suggests, the struggles you have with your spouse bring out the issues you have to address in your own heart more than anyone else.  Your anger, laziness, self-centeredness, impatience, etc. are all exposed more in your marriage than in any other relationship.  To reference another favorite author, Gary Thomas, God designed marriage more to make us holy than to make us happy. God wants to produce the fruits of the Spirit in your life, which are described in Galations 5:22-23 as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.  How about that as a list of qualities to have in your life?  Guess what one of the primary places where God is at work to produce those fruits and to see them evident?  Yep, in your marriage and in your home.  If you are having a hard time with your spouse right now, take the focus off of him/her, and put it on yourself and ask God to show you how He is trying to confront you with yourself.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul