Communicating Love in Marriage, Part 1

In my last post, I focused on how love and respect are the basis for keeping a marriage strong. In the Bible, God discusses both of these concepts, especially in the Book of Ephesians, chapter 5. God instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church, and instructs wives to respect their husbands. So let me start by helping husbands with some practical tips on how to let your wife know that you love and cherish her. The first way to do it is to simply tell her on a regular basis that you love her. Profound idea, isn't it. Unfortunately, I find a lot of guys have trouble remembering to say this. Many assume that she knows that I love her, look at how hard I work for our family, look at all the things I provide for her and our family. This may be true, but there is still nothing like hearing those most powerful words in any relationship, I love you. So take your wife by the hand, sit down next to her, look her in the eye, and tell her with all the sincerety you have, I love you.
A second way to communicate love to your wife is to take the initiative to do things for her without being asked. This means you need to take some time to think about things she has asked you to do in the past, and take the intiative to do it. And it doesn't have to be anything big, it can simply be doing a load of wash, running an errand for her, giving the kids a bath, setting the table for dinner, anything that is meaningful to her and conveys the idea that you are thinking of her.
A third way to let her know that you cherish her is to love her the way she wants to be loved. This is what some Christian counselors call paying attention to your spouse's love language. We all have certain things our spouse can do that communicate love. And this is different for each spouse. Don't love her the way you want to be loved, love her the way she wants to be love. For example, maybe your wife feels loved when you give her a gift, or you tell her words of encouragement, do a kind action for her, or hold her and cuddle with her without it leading to sex. Whatever it is, find out by asking her, when do you feel most loved, and then make sure you take time to do just that. This is also a way to reflect the biblical emphasis on servanthood, as the Son of God did not come to be served, but to serve, and give His live a ransom for man, Mark 10:45.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

How To Divorce Proof Your Marriage

A lot of couples ask me how couples wind up getting divorced, and what is behind the question is usually, how can we prevent this from happening to us? Obviously, there are a lot of different circumstances that can lead a couple to divorce. Phyiscal abuse, substance abuse, and infidelity are three obvious situations. Barring one of those marriage killers, for most couples, it comes down to either the wife or the husband not experiencing their most basic desire in marriage. And this most basic desire is different for men and for women. For the wives, it is being cherished by her husband. What does it mean to be cherished? When you cherish something or someone, you treat it with love, care, gentleness, protection. She is treated as someone very special who is of great value to her husband. For the husband, it is being respected by his wife. What does it mean to be respected? Appreciation, admiration, pride, and honor are ideas that come to mind. When you respect someone, you look up to them and consider them to be valued as well.
Don't get me wrong on this, women are also looking for respect and men are also looking for love. But when you boil it down, God has created men and women uniquely and you see this reflected in the guidance He gives for married couples in the Bible. In the famous passage on marriage in Ephesians 5, it is interesting that God commands husband to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. One reason for this is that God understands the basic desire we each have in marriage. God is telling husbands that if you do nothing else, make sure you love your wife. And God is telling wives that if you do nothing else, make sure you respect your husband.
So how high are the cherish-respect values in your marriage? Next time I will give some ideas on how husbands can better cherish their wives, followed by how wives can better respect their husbands.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul