Merry Christmas

A friend sent this to my wife, and I thought you would appreciate it for Christmas.

Jesus is Better than Santa
Santa lives at the North Pole.
JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
Santa comes but once a year
JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies
JESUS supplies all your needs.
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited
JESUS stands at your door and knocks.. and then enters your heart.
You have to stand in line to see Santa
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly
JESUS has a heart full of love.
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO
JESUS offers health, help and hope.
Santa says "You better not cry"
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."
Santa's little helpers make toys
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.
Santa may make you chuckle but
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree
JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.
It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in Christmas.
Jesus is still the reason for the season.

Christmas Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Do You Know What Your Teen is Texting?

The suicide of a 14 year old girl has highlighted again a serious problem among today's teens, sexting. Sexting is when teens send sexually suggestive or explicit pictures to one or more friends or romantic interests. This girl sent a topless picture of herself to a guy she was interesting in dating. He immediately forwarded it to some of his guy friends, who then forwarded it to their friends. Soon it was all over her school. She couldn't walk anywhere in school without people making comments to her. It quickly got to the point where she just couldn't take it anymore. Don't think this is some isolated phenomena. A recent survey found that one third of young adults age 20 to 26, and 20% of teens have sent a naked, or semi-naked picture of themselves via text messaging.
What many teens don't realize is once something enters the electronic media, it is there to stay. In addition, teens are being arrested for possessing child pornography, and trafficing child porn when maintain or send a sexually explicit picture through text messaging.
How should a parent of a teen respond? I recommend that you talk to your teen about this. Start by asking what they have seen or heard regarding sexting. Share with them your concerns and point out to them what some of the consequences are for doing this, or even recieving a message and keeping it on their phone. You might also ask your cell phone provider what options you have as a parent to monitor or block the text messaging your child does.
I don't know about you as a parent, but everytime I think I am catching up with the technology curve something else comes along, seemingly out of nowhere. Now, more than ever, stay in touch with your kids and be technology savvy.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Communicating Repsect in Marriage, Part 1

Last time I focused on how husband can communicate love to their wives. Today I want to encourage wives on some ways to communicate respect to their husband. Just as a woman wants to know that she is cherished by her man, a husband wants to know that he is respected by his wife. Certainly it is important for a wife to be respected, this is a more fundamental need for him. So let's look at some ways that a wife can do this.
Let me start by encouraging you to communicate your appreciation for who he is and what he does. Let him know that you see his hard work to help provide for his family, as well as the person he is to you and your children. Now I have to admit, no man thinks he is ever appreciated enough for what he does. Don't feed into that, but don't swing the pedulum so far the other way that he never hears any appreciation.
A second way to communicate respect is don't expect him to know what you are thinking, and then condemn him when he acts without regard to what you are thinking. I call this the ESP syndrome. Women think men have ESP and should know what they are thinking. Ladies, we aren't that smart! We need you to tell us. If you go down this path, you will simply frustrate him and he may eventually stop trying because he figures he can never win.
A third way to communicate respect is to support him when he takes a new initiative. It may be at work, at home, or with church, but start by listening to his thoughts and don't put it down right away, even if you think he is nuts. If you have concerns about it, give it a little time and start by asking questions that can help him to think it through more thoroughly. Certainly communicate your objections if there are clear reasons to be concerned. But don't allow that to undermine his need to know that you are with him as he takes a lead.
Next time I will share part 2 in how a man can more effectively communicate love to his wife.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Communicating Love in Marriage, Part 1

In my last post, I focused on how love and respect are the basis for keeping a marriage strong. In the Bible, God discusses both of these concepts, especially in the Book of Ephesians, chapter 5. God instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church, and instructs wives to respect their husbands. So let me start by helping husbands with some practical tips on how to let your wife know that you love and cherish her. The first way to do it is to simply tell her on a regular basis that you love her. Profound idea, isn't it. Unfortunately, I find a lot of guys have trouble remembering to say this. Many assume that she knows that I love her, look at how hard I work for our family, look at all the things I provide for her and our family. This may be true, but there is still nothing like hearing those most powerful words in any relationship, I love you. So take your wife by the hand, sit down next to her, look her in the eye, and tell her with all the sincerety you have, I love you.
A second way to communicate love to your wife is to take the initiative to do things for her without being asked. This means you need to take some time to think about things she has asked you to do in the past, and take the intiative to do it. And it doesn't have to be anything big, it can simply be doing a load of wash, running an errand for her, giving the kids a bath, setting the table for dinner, anything that is meaningful to her and conveys the idea that you are thinking of her.
A third way to let her know that you cherish her is to love her the way she wants to be loved. This is what some Christian counselors call paying attention to your spouse's love language. We all have certain things our spouse can do that communicate love. And this is different for each spouse. Don't love her the way you want to be loved, love her the way she wants to be love. For example, maybe your wife feels loved when you give her a gift, or you tell her words of encouragement, do a kind action for her, or hold her and cuddle with her without it leading to sex. Whatever it is, find out by asking her, when do you feel most loved, and then make sure you take time to do just that. This is also a way to reflect the biblical emphasis on servanthood, as the Son of God did not come to be served, but to serve, and give His live a ransom for man, Mark 10:45.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

How To Divorce Proof Your Marriage

A lot of couples ask me how couples wind up getting divorced, and what is behind the question is usually, how can we prevent this from happening to us? Obviously, there are a lot of different circumstances that can lead a couple to divorce. Phyiscal abuse, substance abuse, and infidelity are three obvious situations. Barring one of those marriage killers, for most couples, it comes down to either the wife or the husband not experiencing their most basic desire in marriage. And this most basic desire is different for men and for women. For the wives, it is being cherished by her husband. What does it mean to be cherished? When you cherish something or someone, you treat it with love, care, gentleness, protection. She is treated as someone very special who is of great value to her husband. For the husband, it is being respected by his wife. What does it mean to be respected? Appreciation, admiration, pride, and honor are ideas that come to mind. When you respect someone, you look up to them and consider them to be valued as well.
Don't get me wrong on this, women are also looking for respect and men are also looking for love. But when you boil it down, God has created men and women uniquely and you see this reflected in the guidance He gives for married couples in the Bible. In the famous passage on marriage in Ephesians 5, it is interesting that God commands husband to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. One reason for this is that God understands the basic desire we each have in marriage. God is telling husbands that if you do nothing else, make sure you love your wife. And God is telling wives that if you do nothing else, make sure you respect your husband.
So how high are the cherish-respect values in your marriage? Next time I will give some ideas on how husbands can better cherish their wives, followed by how wives can better respect their husbands.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

A Child's Testimony

Recently my church had a special outdoor service so our entire congregation could worship together. Among the 8 people who were baptized was Danielle, an 8 year old girl. I think it takes a lot of courage for anyone to get in front of a thousand people to do anything, let alone talk about what God has done in your life and then be baptized. But think about being an 8 year old child. What makes this even more meaningful is Danielle is a special needs child. Her body may not work like other kids, but this girl's mind, heart, and soul are worth far more. Here is what she shared while being held by one of our pastors just prior to baptizing her.

I love Jesus. It doesn’t matter if you are special needs, he still loves you. So don’t worry if you have a need that people can see. You are still a child of God. During my surgeries God was
with me. He’s always with you. I know I can trust God. He even helps us through hard
times. Jesus is awesome. Just like it says in John 3:16, He even died on the cross for our
sins. He is so kind. He really didn’t have to do that. That’s why he is so kind. In Heaven you
can have ice cream for breakfast, lunch or dinner or other treats you like. Jesus is
preparing a place for you in Heaven. I accepted Jesus in my life. I know I’m going to Heaven.

My verse of assurance is Phil. 4:13. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

I think this little girl is something special. Let's never lose that kind of faith!
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Celebrating Dads

What a great moment at the Phillies game earlier this week. Steve Montforto takes his family to a Phillies game and during the game catches his first foul ball ever. An exciting moment as he celebrates with those around him. Then, like any good dad, he gives the ball to his little girl, 3 year old Emily. She promptly does what any three year old may do, she throws the ball away. Dad has a look of disbelief, and then gives his girl a big bear hug as she realizes that she probably did the wrong thing. It was a touching moment, so much that it has been all over the media, and I am blogging about it as well.

I am tired of Hollywood portraying men as idiots, who are of little or no importance to the family. On the contrary, dads play an important role, and are vital to any healthy family. So let's use this media moment to remind ourselves that dads can make all the difference in the world to any child, just like moms. Way to go Steve!

Back to School

Yesterday our family reached another milestone. Our youngest son, Andrew, went off for his last first day of school for the rest of his life. And that means Phyllis and I experienced our last first day of school. I know, he is going off to college next year, but that doesn't count. College is elective, grades 1 through 12 are mandatory. College is an experience where your son or daughter don't have parents to wake them up in the morning, make sure they are dressed for the weather, etc. If he or she can't make it on their own with these basics in college, then there is a real problem somewhere. As per ususal, the Lower Moreland School Districe computer program messed up his schedule. Phyllis put in a note of encouragement in his lunch bag, nagged him about what he needed to do, etc.
Later this week we will have our last Back to School night. We have never missed one for any of our kids in any grade. When we had more than one in the same school, we practiced divide and conquer. Funny thing is, the parents who really need to be there because they are lousy parents, who have lousy kids, aren't the ones present. But at this point, I don't care because I am about to experience my last one.
God has been very good to us. All of our children were born healthy, they have all accepted Christ as their savior, they are leading productive, meaningful lives. We have a lot to be thankful for, and we want to give Him the glory, because all three have been prayed for endlessly. We have been spared many of the parenting nightmares I have had in my counseling office (they are far from perfect kids, and we have been far from perfect parents, ohh to be able to wind back the clock and do somethings differently).
And so I will go through this week with a sense of gratitude, relief, accomplishment, and while I miss many aspects of when they were little ones, I can't wait to see how God leads them in their early adult years. We need to keep hanging on as the ride continues!
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Poverty

What do you see in this picture? I see an example of the poorest of the poor, trying to scrape out a living, probably wondering if he will have enough to eat today. I don't know this man's name, where he lives, or anything about him. I was standing on a busy street corner in Phnom Penh watching the world go by. The temperature outside is approaching 95 degrees. His cart is full of plastics, glass bottles, cans, and other metals. He spent his night picking through trash to find these items so he could sell them for whatever he can get.

Or how about this man begging at the largest Buddhist temple in Phnom Penh. Blind, lame, alone. What is his name? What is his story?

If that doesn't grab your heart, seeing the children of Cambodia who live in such poverty is so heartbreaking. When I look at my children, I am so thankful for God's blessing in allowing me to provide for them. By the world's standards, I am spoiled, and so are they. Take some time and think about all you have, and all the people of this world who have so little. Give thanks to God for what you have, and give to those in need.

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

Firefighting in Cambodia

Who cares about firefighting in Cambodia? Well, Cambodians do! One of the reasons is that the capitol city of Phnom Penh, a city of 2.5 million people covering 145 square miles has only one firehouse. An independent contractor runs the fire service for the international airport, but they do not cover fires in the city. The missionaries in Phnom Penh I came to minister to found out where this lonely firehouse is located and arranged a visit. Whenever I visit a city, I try to work in a stop at a local firehouse. There is always an opportunity to minister in addition to swaping stories around the kitchen table.

One of the pictures you see is me standing next to the only ladder truck for the entire city, a late 1970's era American LaFrance 90 footer donated by a group of firefighters from the United States. They also have a collection of pumpers from Europe and China. There is no interior firefighting, and no resscue capability. These men fought fires with no bunker gear (protective clothing) until a couple of years ago when some firefighters from the United States donated their used gear. The fire chief (see picture top picture below) expressed his gratitude for all of the donations they have recieved, and his concern for all of the new highrise buildings under construction (travel tip: if you visit this city, stay on the ground or second floor!).

Needless to say, if your house catches on fire, you are in trouble. Last year a fire broke out in the garment district and five factories were destroyed. Stories continue to circulate that when the fire department arrives, you are asked to make a cash donation or else the water won't flow (these guys only make $70 a month and are required to work 6 days a week, 24 hours a day).

One of the things this illustrates for me is the can-do, make-do spirit of the Cambodian people. These guys still respond even though they are poorly trained, woefully under-equipped, and haivng to work in 100 plus degree temperatures. They make do with what they have. As one of my friends on this trip said, in admiration of the people, "What the Cambodians could do with a roll of duct tape!"

One of the morals of this is, the next time you see a fire truck, be thankful that when you dial 911 you are going to see a fire truck within a couple of minutes.

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

Caring for Cambodian Kids

One of the saddest parts of my trip to Cambodia is seeing the children. When you travel in a country with so much poverty, your heart really goes out to the kids. Kids who are drugged by their parents to use for begging purposes. The drugs keep the kids more cooperative during a long day of begging, and makes it appear to visitors that the child is sick. The woman in this picture is one of many examples we saw. Kids who live with practically nothing, are mal-nourished, and if they go to school, the parents must pay a bribe to the teacher so they will actually be taught. Kids who might be lucky enough to work in a factory and make $1.50 for a 10 hour shift.



The most horrific examples are the girls who are forced into the sex trade. Some are kidnapped off the streets, others are acutally sold into it by their parents who are desperate to provide for the rest of the family. It is so bad that if you are a male visitor who is travelling without his wife, it is assumed that you are there for sex. The rate of AIDS is one of the highest in Asia.

If you are a parent here in the USA, give thanks that you are able to care for and provide for your children. We are truly blessed! Pray for the children of Cambodia and those who are serving to meet the vast needs of this country. Pray that the people of Cambodia will rise up and say enough is enough when it comes to the neglect and exploitation of children. Pray for the missionaries I had the priviledge of serving that God will use the power of the gospel to transform the hearts of the people.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

A Tale of Two Homes

One of the things that strikes you when you arrive in Cambodia, besides the incredible heat and humidity, is the depth of the poverty alongside of glimpses of wealth and modern technology. An example which comes to mind is one of the Bible studies I attended with our host missionaries. it was located in the city of Phnom Penh. We pulled up in front of a large home surrounded by a wall, barbed wire, and a locked gate. The Bible study didn't take place there, but in a corrugated aluminum, roof top home of a poor family. the home consisted of a living area with no chairs, a mattress on the floor for the mother to sleep on (behind some curtains), and a small closet for the toilet (a bucket). There is one flourescent light hanging from the roof rafters, and one small window with no glass or screen, just two wooden shutters. Food is cooked in the corner of the room.
The mother of this family lost her husband to cancer last year and is now unemployed. She used to see rice on a street corner until the government ordered all street vendors at that location to be removed. Her oldest daughter now works in a garment factory for 10 hours a day, and earns $1.50 per day. The rest of her siblings go to school, but unless you bride the teacher for about $300 a year, your child is not educated. Needless to say, there is no money to provide an adequate education.
At the end of our study, this dirt poor family offers us some bowls of fruit in appreciation for our visit. They wait until we eat first. It brings a tear to my eye as a wealthy American (by Cambodia standards) eating food from a family who can barely survive. I talk to Greg (our missionary host) about giving them a generous money gift before we leave and he agrees. Then I walk over to the window and I see a large satellite TV dish on the roof of the three story home I described when we first pulled up. Looking down, I notice lots of toys on the second floor balcony, and three cars inthe driveway, two Lexus and a Mercedes. Talk about a tale of two homes! There are hundreds of examples as you travel this country. The needs, spiritual, physical, economic, medical, etc., are vast and deep. It reminds me of Jesus as He ministered in Matthew 9:35ff, "And Jesus went travelling among the cities and villages, proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every type of disease and sickness. And seeing the people, he was moved with compassion, for they were distressed, and downcast, like sheep without a shepherd. Then He said to His disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Therefore, beseech the Lord of the harvest to send workers into His harvest."
Pray for the people of Cambodia and those who serve them.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Counseling Ministry in Cambodia

Yes, I am back from Cambodia and over my jet lag from 21 hours of travel back to the USA. God blessed the work I was able to do for the World Team missionaries. As you know, I went to provide a marriage enrichment seminar for the couples, and offered counseling sessions for them. In addition to the 3 seminars on marriage, I provided about 19 hours of counseling. One of the issues I touched on in the marriage seminar was the impact of stress on the mission field on a marriage. The next day I was approached by a couple of the missionaries and was asked to do a more indepth seminar on stress and how to reduce its impact on their marriages and families. So I got my brain in gear and put together an imprompto seminar on stress. We met for three hours and it was a priviledge to share some of that I have learned with them. I am a firm believer that God uses prior experiences to prepare you for future ministry opportunities. He certainly confirmed it on this trip.
In future posts I will share more impressions and experiences from this trip to the front lines of ministry in a lad of great material and spritual poverty.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Honoring Those Who Have Defended Our Feedom

This is the 8th Memorial Day since the attacks on our nation on September 11. As have entered the 6th year of the war in Afganistan and Iraq, each week we add more names to the list of our honored dead. As we think about our nation’s war on terror, it requires this generation of Americans to decide that freedom is worth fighting for, and even dying for. I came across these words of the first general to command an American army, General George Washington. As you think about Al-Qaeda and those who follow Islam who are committed to our destruction, I believe his words are as appropriate today as they were in 1776:
The time is now at hand which must probably determine whether Americans are to be free men or slaves, whether they are to have any property they can all their own, whether their houses and farms are to be pillaged and destroyed, and themselves consigned to a state of wretchedness from which no human efforts can deliver them.
The fate of unborn millions will now depend, under God, on the courage of this army. Our cruel and unrelenting enemy leaves us only the choice of brave resistance, or the most abject submission. We have, therefore, to resolve to conquer or die.
Washington spoke those words to his volunteer continental army. In today’s volunteer army, our heroes are not just career soldiers. They are architects, lawyers, businessmen, paramedics, police officers, fire fighters , mechanics, moms, and dads. They are men like U.S. Marine Lt. Donovan Cambell. He joined the Corps in 2004 at the age of 25. He didn’t join because he was unemployed, or unemployable. He didn’t join because he had no other options, or better future. He was a graduate of Princeton University. A school many in Lower Moreland would give anything to attend. He decided to join the Marines to fight for his country, and believed he could learn leadership skills better in the military than in the corporate world. You can read about his experienced in a book entitled, Joker One, A Marine Platoon’s Story of Courage, Leadership, and Brotherhood.
He and his 160 man unit were sent to the city of Ramadi, a city of 350,000. That meant there was one soldier for every 2,200 Iraqi’s. At one point there were so many insurgents and terrorists in that city that his unit was the most engaged in all of Iraq. By the time they left, they had suffered 50% casualties, more by percentage than any unit, Army or Marine, since Vietnam. He was asked by a reporter if he will commemorate Memorial Day differently now that he has served in two wars, Iraq and Afganistan. His reply:
Honestly, I treat every day differently now that I’ve served in two wars. I view each day as a gift, not an obligation, and I thank God for each one that I have. This Memorial Day I will pray for the fallen and their families, some of whom I know. I will take a step back from my life and thank God for all of the good things He has given me: my family, my health, my friends. I will take a few moments to reflect on the tremendous responsibility I have to live the one life I have well, for there are so many others who would love life but no longer have it.
Yes, there are many who have lost their lives, currently just over 5400 in Iraq and Afganistan. Whenever our nation is at war, we are reminded again of the cost of our freedom. Even though the number of dead is very small compared to the other wars our nation has fought, each death is a husband or wife, father, or mother, son or daughter, brother or sister to someone here. These deaths in the war on terror hover over the present, and especially for their loved ones, cast long shadows into the future.
We owe an incredible debt of gratitude to the men and women who serve our country today, and to those who have served in the past, and especially to those who have given their lives on the field of battle. Lets join with Donovan Campbell in praying for those who serve our nation, and remembering those who gave their lives. Let us live our lives well, and never forget that freedom is never free.
Blessings,
Pastor Paul

Powerful Intimacy

Do you know what is one of the most intimate and powerful experiences you can have with your spouse? No, I am not talking about sex. How about prayer? Yes, I mean what I say. I submit to you that one of the most powerfully intimate experiences you can have with your spouse is prayer. Something happens when a husband and wife pray together.
Let me explain why I say this about prayer. Think about it for a minute. When you pray, you are saying that you need God's help, you don't have all of the answers, and there is someone bigger than yourself and your problems. That takes humility, humility you are demonstrating in front of the person you love.
When you pray, you are talking to the God of the universe about the things that matter the most to you. Nothing is more personal and more intimate than that. And when you do this in front of your spouse, you are allowing them to share in one of the most personal and intimate experiences of your life. They are able to hear what is on your heart and mind as you talk to your creator.
When you do this together, you are able to share in what is most important in your spouse's heart. So make some time to take your spouse by the hand and pray to God from your heart. I guarantee you will be closer to each other, and have a stronger marriage.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

The Biggest Casualties of Divorce

Whenever I work with a couple in the midst of separation or divorce, I always tell them that I am not going to take sides with either of them. When I take sides, it will always be with their children. There are a number of serious mistakes parents consistently make as they try to work through the implosion of their marriage. And it is the kids who are the biggest casualties whenever Mom and Dad can't or won't work through their problems and split. Kids don't chose their parents, and they are thrown into fire when Mom and Dad split.
One of the things I see constantly with parents is that they are so focused on the battle with their spouse/ex-spouse, they fail to put enough focus on the needs of their kids. The parents also put their kids in the middle by asking them for information on the other parent, or subtlely or overtly asking the kids to take sides. Or trying to manipulate the kids by putting the other parent in the worst possible light. One parent often takes the role of the disciplinarian, and the other throws out the rules and gives the kids what they want in order to placate their own guilt, or to win the kids over to their side. Parents often rush into a new romantic relationship way too soon for it to be healthy for him/herself, and definitely not healthy for the kids. They are aleardy struggling to make sense of life after the most disruptive and destructive experience of their lives, and now Mom or Dad wants to throw a new adult into the mix.
If you are a parent and are contemplating separation or divorce, or you are already in that situaiton, let me urge you to read the best book ever written on the impact of divorce on your children. It is The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Blakeslee, Lewis, and Wallerstein. They studied the lives of children of every age range, from infancy to young adult, for 25 years after their parents divorced. This book will not only give you a better understanding of what your kids are going through, but how to avoid common mistakes and mitigate some of the most destructive consequences for your kids.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Are You a Peacemaker or a Source of Conflict?

Greetings from Sandy Cove! I am here at a pastor's conference to promote the ministry of Insight and to provide counseling free of charge to an pastor or couple who desire some help. The main speak during this time is Ken Sande, the founder of Peacemaker Ministries. God has used him and his organization to servce the church in helping Christians and churches to resolve conflict in a biblical fashion. He made a statement last night that really caught my ear, "Christ is the reason many people go into ministry, and conflict is what drives them out." Every pastor nodded his head in agreement, myself included.
I have counseled many discouraged pastors, talented, gifted, and called to the ministry, who are ready to call it quits because of conflict. Certainly there are pastors who are off base, power hungery, and do things to stir conflict. But in the majority of cases, the source of the conflict are certain people in the pew who thrive on conflict, especially when the dreaded "change" word is mentioned. "We've never done it that way before." "This is the way we have always done things, and this is the way we always will." Or people who just like to take pot shots at the pastor and his family. Who their friends are, how they dress, the behavior of their children, the kind of car he drives, how he uses his time, the list is endless.
So let me ask you, are you are peacemaker or a source of conflict? You may be saying to yourself, well I have never done any of the above. That is good as far as it goes, but how do you respond to others who act this way. Do you admonish them in the spirit of Galations 6:1? Do you encourage them to talk to the pastor directly if they have a problem with something, or offer to go with them? If not, then you too are contributing to a culture of conflict in your church.
Certainly when there are issues of fundamental doctrine or moral failure, the congregation and its leaders need to respond, but that is obviously not what I am talking about.
Here is something you can do right now to bless your pastor, call him and thank him for his ministry, or send him a note of encouragement. You might be the difference between a pastor who stays in the ministry, and one who throws in the towel.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Update on Me, and Some Thoughts About Technology

Wow, it has been a month since my last posting. Between getting over the tragic death of my cousin, travelling to Spain to see my daughter, and a lot of catch up on work at church and for Insight, life has been crazy. But I am back in the blog spot saddle. Hopefully you will consider this a blessing!
I came across some interesting research on just how much we as Americans are involved with techonology. With all of the talk about Twitter, MySpace, and Facebook, it turns out that less than half of Americans (48%) use any one or more of these computer social networks. Only 16% of adults who have a MySpace or Facebook account update their page daily. Only 5% of American currently use Twitter (even I don't get the appeal of Twitter. I really don't care to tell you what I am doing or thinking about throughout the day, nor do I think my life is that important that you care to read my tweats, nor do I need to know what you are doing all of the time). 74% of 18-34 year olds have an account on Facebook or MySpace, and 24% of those 55 and older have an account. This information comes from our friends at the Harris Poll. I wonder how much of their information came through one or more of these social networks?
Turning to video games, a study by Iowa State University finds that three million American kids, ages 8-18, may be addicted to video games. Lead researcher Doug Genile found that 8.5% of all kids who play video games show multiple signs of behavioral addiction. Quoting Gentile, "It becomes an addiction when it starts damaging multiple areas of your life." Even more alarming to me is an observation by Kurt Bruner, co-author of the book Playstation Nation, "It's unlike TV, it's unlike other things that might be a waste of time, because video games actually become a replacement for real life."
What is the source of real life, not artificial life? Let me quote a carpenter from Nazareth, "I came that you might have live, and life abundant."
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

When Tragedy Strikes Close

Over the last two weeks life has been tough, very tough. My church lost a young man to suicide, who was a good friend of my youngest son, and many in our congregation. And this past Sunday I learned on the national news that my cousin was brutally murdered in New York. While I have not been real close to him since we were kids, it was still a shock. Hearing the cry of a mother who has lost her child is something you never want to hear, and to hear it twice is tough. Certainly not as tough as the grief experienced by the parents and siblings of these two men who's lives ended prematurely. No parent ever expects to have to bury their child. The personal and emotional backwash of deaths like this is significant. Hence the lack of postings for a while.
As a pastor, counselor, and fire chaplain, I have seen a lot of death. Even tragic death. But these two were close. Closer than the typical I deal with. What makes the difference in times like this. Two words, family and faith.
Experiences like these can make or break a family. I chose make over break. And so I have spent extra time with my son. Not smothering him, just being a little closer within reach. Spoending some extra time with him, even when there are other things I could be doing. And the same can be said of my own extended family. Pulling together, being with each other, praying, sharing, crying. What matters isn't as much the words and being together.
Being a person of faith, having a personal relationship with Jesus is what makes the ultimate difference. As Jesus tells us in John 14:27, Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.
Do you have peace with God? If you don't have it before tragedy strikes, you won't have it in the midst of it. The pain is strong, the hurt is deep, but God's comfort is stronger and deeper. It is well with my soul.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Daddy's Girl

Ok dads with daughters, it is time to break out the tissues. My daughter Stephanie has been studying abroad in Spain this semester. Earlier today she sent me an email telling me how much she loves and misses me. She included a link to a song by Steven Curtis Chapman entitled, Cinderella. The link is http://www.stevencurtischapman.com/cinderella.htm. Warning, if you have a good relationship with your daughter, you will be moved by the song and the video. Chapman also includes a brief explanation of how and why he came to write this song. As Stephanie said in her email, every time she listened to it she thought of me and cried. Well, it goes both ways because when I listened to it, I thought of her and cried. It reminded me of how blessed I am as a father, and of the special bond a dad has with a daughter. Dads, there is no doubt that the time and effort you invest in your kids will be the best investment you will ever make.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

A Biblical Worldview

Since 1995, George Barna has been looking at what Americans in general believe about the main points of a biblical world view and how that compares to the beliefs of those who call themselves Born-Again Christians. The Barna Group defines a biblical world view as belief in the following:
*Absolute moral truth exists.
*The Bible is totally accurate in all of the principles it teaches.
*Satan is considered to be a real being or force, not merely symbolic.
*A person cannot earn their way into Heaven by trying to be good or do good works.
*Jesus Christ lived a sinless life on earth.
*God is the all-knowing, all-powerful creator of the world who still rules the universe today.
Barna and his researchers asked a random sample of Americans in the years 2000, 2005, and 2008. He discovered that the percentage of the general population who hold to a biblical world view has remained almost constant of the last 13 years. It has varied from a low of 7% in 1995 to a high of 11% in 2005. He compared this to the world view belief of Born-Again Christians and found that percentage remained also constant but surprisingly low: 18%in 1995, 22% in 2000, 21% in 2005 and 19% in 2008.
Personally I find these results to be appalling and a reflection of the high degree of biblical illiteracy among believers. In my opinion parents, pastors, Sunday School teachers and small group leaders all need to sit up and take notice of this and put more emphasis on communicating the timeless truths of scripture to this generation of adults and children here in the United States. If not, we will find ourselves going from our current state of being a post-Christian America to where Europe is today, a spiritual wasteland and one of the biggest mission fields in the world today. Mom and Dad, how biblical is your world view, and what are you teaching your children?
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Party Time For Your Teen

Many parents fail to realize how much trouble their teen can find at a party held at the house of a friend. This is often assumed to be a safe environment, but this can be dangerously wrong. Too many parents allow their teens to host a party at the home and provide little or no supervision. Here are some tips to help you evaluate whether you should allow your teen (or even pre-teen) to attend. My first suggestion is to call the parents of the teen where the party will occur and ask some very specific questions:
*Will you be home for the entire duration of the party?
*Will you both be circulating among the crowd during the party or in another room?
*Will you be screening what teens are allowed to bring into your home?
*Will you allow or serve alcohol?
*Will there be boys and girls present?
Even after asking these questions, there is still a wide range of morals and values in society today. What they may feel is acceptable, you may not. Talk specifically to your teen about com-promising situations he or she may face and how to handle them. Let them take a cell phone so they can call you to pick them up at any time. Here is a tip to help them keep up their "coolness." If you go to get them early, call them back on the cell phone so they can exit the party without being noticed as much as they would if you came to the door. If you decide you have too many concerns about a particular party to say yes, let your teen know they always have an out that can help them keep up their image. They can simply tell their friends that Mom and Dad said no.

Evolution and Creation in Your School

On a recent drive to Baltimore this week for a conference I am attending, I almost came to believe in evolution. The way some people drive on 95, I could believe that we are descended from apes! But once I arrived safely I realized that it was just a fleeting moment of scienfic stupidity, came to my senses, and am now proud to declare again that I am still a creationist. Too bad we can't let kids in our schools hear both sides of the debate. A new Zogby poll shows 78 percent of U.S. voters want both sides of the evolution debate discussed in the classroom. This is up nine points from a similar poll three years ago. The poll, commissioned by the Discovery Institute, found both Democrats and Republicans overwhelmingly support discussion for and against evolution. "Many Darwinists are trying to paint supporters of academic freedom as some kind of crazy, fringe element," said Candi Cushman, education analyst at Focus on the Family Action. "The truth is, the majority of parents want their kids to examine all the scientific evidence, to engage in critical thinking and to have classrooms that are academically challenging — not controlled by political correctness."
If that isn't enough, a new poll just released shows that only 4 in 10 Americans believe in evolution. A Gallup poll released this week shows that 39 percent of Americans say they "believe in the theory of evolution," while a quarter say they do not. Another 36 percent don't have an opinion either way, CNN reported. An earlier Gallup poll on this issue, that was conducted in May 2008, found that 44 percent believe God created human beings within the past 10,000 years.
So what do you think?
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Teens and the Internet

A new research study conducted by CyberSentinel reveals that the average teenager spend an average of up to 40 hours a week online. Think about that for a minute. That is as much time as a full time job! One hour and 40 minutes is spent looking at pornography, which adds up to 87 hours a year. The study also identified other major time blocks in that 40 hour total:
-90 minutes looking at dieting and weight loss websites.
-68 minutes is spent exploring cosmetic surgery websites.
-3 hours and 10 minutes researching homework assignments.
-100 minutes downloading music.
-122 minutes looking at clips on YouTube.
-82 minutes looking at health websites for information on illness, puberty, growing pains, pregnancy, and contraceptives.
While I would expect to find teenagers exploring all of this on the web, for good and for bad, the amount of time is what I find so disturbing. Many kids are going to find some topics hard to talk to Mom and Dad about, and so they turn to the internet. But it also points to the need for parents to take the initiative to talk about these topics with their teens. In a survey just conducted by my church's youth ministry, teens almost unanimously indicated that the least likely source of information on sex was their own parents.
The CyberSentinel study also found students will spend up to 9 hours a week on social networkings sites like Facebook, chatrooms, and forums. One in four teenagers regularly talk to strangers online and think it is harmless. While talking to friends they know can be fun for your teens, seeking out new friends can be frought with danger.
Do you know how much time your teen is spending on line? How closely do you monitor the amount of time and where they are going online? The teens in this study said that they are left alone with the computer for up to 2 hours a day. Also a concern is that a third of teens said their most common place for surfing is in their bedroom.
The news was not all bad in this study. Two thirds of teens said their parents have spoken to them about what they should and shouln't look at online. And 45% of teens said they will talk to their parents if they are worried about anything they may have accidently accessed, such as self-harm, drugs, crime, or sex. But a third also admitted to hiding some fo the websites they ahve been visiting.
This study is a clear warning shot for every parent to pay attention to what their teens are doing online and to be involved in their lives.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Love is in the Air

As we approach Valentine's Day, the marriage counselor in me has mixed feelings about this day. On the one hand, love is a beautiful thing, and letting that special person in your life know that you love them is a great thing to do. On the other hand, the way our society looks at love is pretty pathetic. The media (and a lot of men I work with) have a difficult time distinguishing between love and sex. Popular culture talks about love as a feeling, or something you fall into. You don't fall in love, you fall in ditches, potholes, and open manhole covers. Love is an action, a choice, something you grow into with another person. Check out 1 Corinthians 13 in the Bible, the greatest description of love in my opinion, and notice how much involves feelings and how much involves commitment, action, and attitude.
So do we scrap Valentine's Day because our culture is so warped? No, I think we need to transform it and how we talk about love. Celebrate the day with your spouse or sweetheart if you have one. But put more of your time, effort, and prayer into what you do to love your spouse or sweetheart on a daily basis.
Let me also suggest that you rent or buy a copy of the movie Fireproof. If your marriage is doing well, it will encourage you. If your marriage is struggling, it will give you practical suggestions and insights on how to get your marriage back on track.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Teen Sexting

No, the title of this post is not a misspelling. It is the latest example of how kids are using technology to get into serious trouble that would be unheard of just a few years ago. Sexting is when people send nude self-portraits of themselves to others over their cell phone. Sometimes it is done to get attention, others do it as a way to flirt. Beside the obvious issue of immorality in the actual taking of the picture and sending it out into cyberspace, there are a lot of other problems of this. One is the fact taht once these images are sent out, there is no bringing them back. It is like the advice I often give to people who use emails to send a message, once you put it in writing, there is no taking it back. Then there is the issue of how others can use these pictures to harass the sender or others. Sexually explicit text messages and pictures are often used after a break-up to hurt the person who sent them. Prosecuters have charged a teenage boy with felony obscenity charges for sending a photo of his private parst to several female classmates. Another boy was charged with child pornography in a similar case. In Greensburg, Pa., three high school girls who sent semi-nude pictures and the four male students who recieved them were all charged with child-pornography crimes.
So what should you do as a parent? Make sure you let your children know that you will be looking at their phones, unannounced, on a regular basis to see what texts they have sent and received. It should be considered part of the contract for having phone in the first place. Talk to you kids about this problem and let them know some of the consequences they can face if they send or receive these kinds of texts and photos. If you find explicit material, written, or photographic, don't freak out. Sit down and talk to your child, enforce meaningful consequences, and seek out a counselor.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Tragic Loss

This week was one of the saddest of my ministry. And once again, it involved the loss of a police officer killed in the line of duty. Officer Chris Jones of the Middletown Police was pinned under his police car after it was struck by a careless, speeding driver. I did not know officer Jones when the day began, but I got to know him quickly after recieving a call from the Bucks County Critical Incident Response Team. I serve as a chaplain on the team, and we respond to Police, Fire, and EMS departments when they have faced a tragic or critical incident, often involving the serious injury of death of one of their members in the line of duty. My heart goes out to his wife, Suzanne, and their three children who now must deal with his death and life without him, along with his fellow squad members and the entire MPD. An incident like this evokes a response in me on a number of levels. The bravery of those willing to wear the uniform and badge who stand in harm's way for all of us. The recklessness of those unwilling to slow down and take the time to be safe. The tragis loss of a young man who was simply doing his job, and from what I have been told, did it with great passion and concern for others.
One of the things God has spoken to my heart in all of this is how fragile life is. When officer Jones left Thursday morning for work, he never knew that it would be his last. When I left for my office on that same morning, I did not know I would be asked to minister in a situation where there are no pat answers, easy words, or satisfying explanations. I came home on Thursday evening exhausted, drained, but determined. Determined to hug my wife harder, to spend more time with my family, and to never take them for granted. You just never know. Determined to live every moment God gives me to the fullest and for His glory. Pray for this family, for his fellow officers, and for me as the one thing they need is to know our God's love, care, and provision for them as our refuge and strength, and ever present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1).
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

TV Bad Even for Primates

Officials at the St. Petersburg Zoo in Russia thought they had a great idea: they would educate the zoo's orangutans about family life by letting them watch TV. But the humans may have learned more from the primates. Zoo officials discovered that instead of becoming more family oriented, the male orangutan became so absorbed with watching television that he began to ignore his mate. This upset the female organutan so much that officials rethought their plan. According to zoo director Ivan Korneyev, the television was removed in order to restore family unity and keep the family together. Who says we can't learn something from the apes? Something to think about with the end of the another season of football. No word on whether the male or female organutan used the clicker more.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

The Latest "Goodbye Daddy"

This week Phyllis and I took our daughter Stephanie to JFK airport in NYC for her trip to Spain where she will spend a semester studying in the city of Seville. She has been very excited about this trip and has been working on it for months. But for Dad, it was a very bittersweet moment as we hugged her, watched her get through security, and then walk up the steps, turn andwave one last time, and walk out of view. For all of the sermons I have preached on Christian parenting (parents, God has given us our children and we are stewards who are raising them to become adults who will follow Jesus on their own) and the hours of counseling I do with parents who are struggling with their own teens (you have to decide what battles are worth fighting, don't smother your kids, etc.), it is still hard saying goodbye and letting go. She is, and always be, the only girl who can call me "Daddy." I have two sons who I love just as much, and Paul is away at college. But he is only 6 hours away, and I know if I needed to get to him in an emergency, I can jump in the car and get there quickly. The protective instinct just seems to be different when it is your daughter, and she is an ocean away in a country where I can barely speak the language. Add to this that she just turned 21, is in love with a guy (he is a good catch, but this is MY daughter we are talking about), and you have a dad who is feeling bittersweet as he watches his little girl be the independent young woman living for Jesus that he helped raise her to become. So, pastor and counselor, it is time to remind myself of all that I have preached, counseled, read in God's word, and wrestled with God in prayer about as my kids have been growing up and come to Him again in prayer. I need to talk to Him about my mixed emotions, my conflicting desires to keep my kids close but wanting them to live their lives as He leads them. And I need to enjoy reading her blog, skyping with her and Paul, exchanging emails, and enjoying the extra time I can spend with Andrew, along with the extra time Phyllis and I can spend together as we prepare for an empty nest in the next few years.

Teens and Abstinence

If you are a parent of teens, like I am, you are concerned about helping your children make good decisions when it comes to sex. A new government supported research study from the Heritage Foundation found that teens who abstain from sex share some common characteristics. The National Longitudinal Survey of Adolescent Health found 8 personality traits and behaviors that were associated with abstinence (as well as acacdemic achievement):
-Willingness to postpone current pleasures for larger future rewards
-A "future orientation," with a focus on long-term goals
-Perseverance, meaning the ability to stick to a task or commitment
-A belief that current behavior can positively affect the future
-Impulse control, including the ability to control emotions and desires
-Resistance to peer pressure
-Respect for parental and social values
-Sense of self-worth and personal dignity

According to a summary of the study in U.S. News and World Report, abistinence is also associated with better physical and mental health in all socioeconomic groups. Youth who make abstinence decisions are far more likely to attend and graduate from college compared to those who are sexually active.

As I look over these personality and behavior straits, I am stuck by the fact that each one is found in one book of the Bible, the book of Proverbs. Talk to your youth pastor about doing a series based in that book. If you have a pre-teen, take some time to read from that book together with you child. Spend some time reading it yourself to gain insight into how to instill these qualities in your children, and most importantly, model them yourself as their parent!

Time for Dinner

One of the most common questions I get asked is how did you keep your kids from getting into serious trouble. I think there are a number of reasons for this, the least of which is my abilities as a parent! One thing we did do right, which is now confirmed by a number of research studies, is that we put a priority on eating dinner together as a family. Studies demonstrate that when a family eats dinner together on a regular basis, children do better in school, have a lower drop out rate, are less likely to engage in pre-marital sex, substance abuse, and destructive behavior. Children also are better behaved and report having a closer relationship with their family and have a stronger sense of family idenity.

Why does this make such a difference? Think about it for a minute. There is something about sharing a meal with someone that helps promote conversation in a more relaxed setting. Having dinner together also means you guarantee a time when everyone can be together and express what is happening in their life. In a world where everyone is going in a million different directions, having shared experiences on a regular basis is vital for your family. When America was a farm based society, families would spend the majority of their time together accomplishing the many tasks necessary on the farm. Now, Mom and Dad work in different locations, kids often come home to an empty house, and with computers, cell phones, and X-Box, when parents are home, eveyone is often doing their own thing.

We tried not to be too rigid, but we strove for having dinner together 5 out of 7 nights a week. Impossible, you say? Not at all, it means making your dinner time together a prioirty and something to protect. This meant that I had to make getting home from the office at a decent time a priority. If the kids had a practice and we could not adjust dinner time enough, we would tell the coach that our kid would be late to the practice. When the phone would ring during dinner, we would let the answering machine get it.

Make having dinner together a priority, you and your family will be stonger for it.

New Year Priorities

Happy New Year, and welcome to the first post in my new blog. The purpose of this blog is to encourage people to think about marriage and family issues, and to give people counsel, help, and hope. Let me begin by asking you a question, what is important to you?

As we begin a New Year, let me encourage you not to make a resolution, but to simply look over two things, your check book and your date book. Billy Graham is quoted as saying, "You can tell what is important to someone by looking at two things, their datebook and their checkbook." Sounds good to me, so take an honest look at them. As you do this, look at how many entries involve your marriage and your family. Maybe you will find more entries than most people that relate to your spouse and your kids.

If you really have some guts, let me challenge you to do one more thing. Ask your spouse, ask your kids how they think you are doing investing yourself in their lives. Do they feel like they are a priority in your life, or do they feel like they get the leftovers? We all tend to think we are better than we really are, so probably their answer to the question is more accurate than your own self perception.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

Blessings,
Dr. Paul