The Biggest Casualties of Divorce

Whenever I work with a couple in the midst of separation or divorce, I always tell them that I am not going to take sides with either of them. When I take sides, it will always be with their children. There are a number of serious mistakes parents consistently make as they try to work through the implosion of their marriage. And it is the kids who are the biggest casualties whenever Mom and Dad can't or won't work through their problems and split. Kids don't chose their parents, and they are thrown into fire when Mom and Dad split.
One of the things I see constantly with parents is that they are so focused on the battle with their spouse/ex-spouse, they fail to put enough focus on the needs of their kids. The parents also put their kids in the middle by asking them for information on the other parent, or subtlely or overtly asking the kids to take sides. Or trying to manipulate the kids by putting the other parent in the worst possible light. One parent often takes the role of the disciplinarian, and the other throws out the rules and gives the kids what they want in order to placate their own guilt, or to win the kids over to their side. Parents often rush into a new romantic relationship way too soon for it to be healthy for him/herself, and definitely not healthy for the kids. They are aleardy struggling to make sense of life after the most disruptive and destructive experience of their lives, and now Mom or Dad wants to throw a new adult into the mix.
If you are a parent and are contemplating separation or divorce, or you are already in that situaiton, let me urge you to read the best book ever written on the impact of divorce on your children. It is The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Blakeslee, Lewis, and Wallerstein. They studied the lives of children of every age range, from infancy to young adult, for 25 years after their parents divorced. This book will not only give you a better understanding of what your kids are going through, but how to avoid common mistakes and mitigate some of the most destructive consequences for your kids.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul