My Greatest Frustration in Marriage Counseling

If there is one thing that frustrates me as I work with couples, it is when a husband does nothing but complain about his wife, and the wife does nothing but complain about him. Everything said is about the problems, short comings, and failures of the other person. The pronouns used aren't I or me, but he, she, you. Obviously when a couple comes to see me in counseling, things have reached a level of difficulty you may not have reached. But how much do you focus on the problems with your spouse, and how much do you focus on you own contributions to the struggles in your relationship?

Jesus talked about our natural tendency to spend more time looking at what the other person is doing to cause a problem but ignore our own contribution to the problem. In Matthew 7:3-5 He says, "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. about the speck in the other person's eye." The message of Jesus is clear, put your emphasis on what you need to work on, and what is happening in your own heart first.

Are you in a relationship that is struggling? Do you find yourself increasingly focused on the faults and failures of the other person. Are you frustrated with your inability to change him/her? The only person you can change is yourself. And changing yourself means seeking God's power to work on your heart. Here is a prayer from God's word that can make a difference as it puts the emphasis on what God can do in your life: "Search me O God, and know my heart, try me and know my anxious thoughts, and see if there be any hurful way in me, and lead me in your everlasting way," Psalm 139:23-24.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul