How to Have a Happy Marriage From People Who Know, Part 2 (of 3)

Last week I shared some of the results from a significant study of senior adults by gerontologist Dr. Karl Pillemer from Cornell University.  on how to have a happy marriage for the long haul.  He conducted 700 interviews with people 65 and older in what he calls The Marriage Advice Project.  See last week’s blog for more details about the study and the first half of the findings he reported.  Here are the rest of the advice he gained from his interviews: 

Tread carefully when discussing difficult topics.  If you want smooth marital communication, timing is critical.  Read cues from your partner to decide the best time to raise an issue.  When things aren’t going well in a discussion, back off, Pillemer says.  He also points out that one surprising finding from his research is retirees said that sometimes their marital arguments might be related to one or both of them needing to get something to eat. Whether it is low blood sugar or just the need for comfort, food seems to help tone down conflict.  One couple said when they were having a tiff, she offers her husband a sandwich, and he offers her a cup of tea. 

Put your relationship first.  Your relationship with your spouse has to come before the kids, in-laws, jobs, friends, and anything else, retirees said.  You don’t do your children much good if your marriage dries up. 

Lighten up on in-law relationships.

Many of the elder experts said you don’t marry a person; you marry his or her family.  People should work hard on the relationship with their in-laws, even though it may mean compromise, withholding opinions and searching for points to respect and admire.

Stay out of debt.

The couples in this study recommended living within whatever amount of money you make and avoiding debt, especially for luxury items and credit-card debt. 

Focus on small things to keep the spark alive.  Pillemer says, “Marriage is made of thousands of micro intentions.”  The retirees said to keep those interactions positive:  give compliments, do unexpected little things like the other person’s chores.  Many of those interviewed said the failure to give and receive compliments was one of their big regrets. 

Enjoy Intimacy.  Many older people who have a partner “are having very fulfilling sex lives. People really enjoy the sense of intimacy with a lifelong partner” according to Pillemer.  He goes on to say,  “one of my favorite quotes in the book was the guy who said, ‘Look at our age this is recreation, not procreation.”    

Respect each other.  This means paying attention to how you say things, and listening and showing that you are listening to what your partner says.  “Long-married retirees say the real danger of marriage is that you know someone so well that they are extremely vulnerable to you.  You have the ability to hurt them more than anybody else you know.  Respect is the protection against that,” says Pillemer. 

So there you have it, how to have a long, happy marriage from people who know.  In my next post I will comment on the points made from this study.  What do you think about the results from this study? 

Blessings,

Dr. Paul