Today I want to share some of my thoughts about the
different points from Pillemer’s work to examine couples who have been happily
married for decades. For more
information on his study, see parts 1 and 2.
So here we go!
Follow Your Heart:
This one can trip you up. Yes,
there is certainly something to the feeling of being in love with someone, and
certainly you don’t want to marry someone just because “it is time.” But, feelings are not what are gong to
sustain a happy marriage in the long run.
As Pillimer noted in my introduction to this study, marriage is work,
hard work. As people who see me for
counseling know, I detest the idea of “falling in love.” People fall in ditches, potholes, trenches,
and man holes, you don’t fall in love.
You didn’t fall in love. You met
someone with qualities you liked and made a conscious decision to get to know
him/her. The other way this can trip you
up is when you are dating and engaged, relying too much on feelings can blind
you, or cause you to sugar coat, problems or issues that need to be
resolved.
Use Your Head: I
think this is a great balance to the first point about following your
heart. If there is one thing I try to
emphasize with couples in pre-marital counseling it is this point. Be sure to pay attention to little things
that give you a clue to how this person is when not around you.
Look for someone with similar values: Not much to say here, this one is right on
the money in my opinion.
Talk, talk, talk.
Here we are talking about the life blood of the relationship, the oil
that keeps the engine running. I love
his example of can you go out for a two-hour dinner and keep an interesting
conversation going. If there is one
thing that can trip up a marriage, it is assumptions and expectations. The way to keep these from derailing your
relationship is to communicate. This is
part of where the work of marriage comes in.
When you are first in love, it is easier to communicate because you are
getting to know each other and there is a certain about of infatuation. As the years of marriage grind on, and kids
come on the scene, it takes time and effort to keep communicating as you once
did.
Tread carefully when discussing difficult topics: I’m not sure about the food issue he states,
but I know I can get grumpy when I am hungry!
Timing and giving yourselves a break from the argument are good, just
make sure you get back to discussing it so it can be resolved. A helpful
scripture here is Ephesians 4:29-30.
Put your relationship first.
Yes, yes, yes! The ultimate first
is your relationship with God, then your spouse, and then everyone else.
Lighten up on in-law relationships. Good points here. When I was in graduate school and we studied
marriage and family counseling, my professor talked about the “big three” of
why couples come for counseling, money, sex, and kids. I have since added a fourth, dealing with
your in-laws and extended family. Enough
said.
Stay out of debt.
This is also one of the “big three.” I
recommend anything by Dave Ramsey, or taking the Financial Peace University classes.
Focus on small things to keep the spark alive. I find that one nice, small act of love,
kindness, or appreciation goes a long way.
Let your spouse know they matter to you, and you are thinking of
them.
Enjoy Intimacy. While
sex is not the basis of a marriage, a healthy sex life is the result of a
healthy marriage, and was created by God for us to enjoy, within a committed,
monogamous, heterosexual marriage.
Respect each other.
Again, some good advice here. Respect does involve listening attentively to
your spouse, along with valuing them for who they are, their opinion, feelings,
etc.
I found this study by Pillemer to be very interesting and I
think we in America should do more to listen and respect those who are our
seniors. They have a lifetime of wisdom
and life experience to share.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
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