The Second Most Important Step in Saving your Marriage

What does it take to save your marriage?  You feel unfulfilled, unloved, disrespected.  You and your spouse seem to be spinning your wheels and getting nowhere.  One or both of you feel trapped.  Hope is fading fast.  What steps can you take to try to save your marriage?  Notice I entitled this post the Second Most Important Step in Saving your Marriage.  No, it's not a misprint.  The first step is recognizing that your marriage is in trouble.  Not everyone gets that.  I can't tell you how many people have been in my office after being told by their spouse that the marriage is over and they had no idea the depth of how he/she was dissatisfied and just wanted out.  I have even had a number of people who didn't get it until they were served with divorce papers.  So the first step is an important one, recognizing there is a problem.

The second step, and one that I find can be the hardest to do, is stop looking at all of the problems and deficiencies of your spouse, and start looking in the mirror.  You have to recognize that unless your spouse is a substance abuser, and/or physically abusing you, you too have contributed to the problems in your marriage.  You and your spouse are both sinners, both in need of God's grace.  On top of that, the only person you can change is you, not your spouse, not your kids, you are the only one you can change.  Jesus talked about how we tend to focus on the problems of others while ignoring our own when he said these words, "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, 'Le me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." We are so quick to see the faults of the other person, but fail to pay attention to the problems we have.  Notice the picture Jesus paints here, it is the difference of a speck of sawdust compared to a log!  Most couples in marital distress have the exact opposite view.  The problems in their spouse is the size of a log while the problems they contribute are the speck.  

If you are going to save a marriage that is going down hill fast, you have to stop "speck picking" your spouse, and start dealing with what you are doing to bring down the relationship.  I know you probably feel very justified in your complaints against your spouse, and they probably have merit, but simply focusing on their deficiencies and trying to get them to change is not gong to save your marriage.  You have to start with yourself.  And to help you do that, let me give you a prayer right out of the Bible that can help you keep your perspective, and be a means of seeking God's help to do this.  It is a prayer written at the end of Psalm 139 and it says this:  "Search me, O God, and know my heart, try me and know my anxious thoughts, and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in your everlasting way."  Notice the focus of the prayer.  It isn't, "Search my spouse and help my spouse see all the things they are doing wrong, and fix him/her." The prayer is focused solely on the one praying it.  

Saying this prayer on a regular basis isn't going to do everything that needs to be done to save your marriage, but it is a start.  God hears and answers prayers like this, use this prayer to not only seek God's help, but to also help to change your perspective on who and what needs to change.  

Blessings,

Dr. Paul