How to Have a Happy
Marriage From People Who Know
Since it is Valentine's Day and everyone is thinking about love, or the lack thereof, I would like to share the results of an interesting study on how to be happily married, and for the long-haul. I normally don’t spend much time reading material from
gerontologists, but recently Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University gerontology professor
did a study of hundreds of seniors asking them the secret to a happy
marriage. He spent the last four years
conducting what he calls the Marriage Advice Project. He did interviews with more than 700
retirees, 65 and older, who were married for an average of 43 years. The longest was a marriage of 76 years
between a 101 year-old man and a 98 year-old woman. His sample included some people who were
happily married for years, those who were widowed, and those who had been
through multiple marriages and divorces.
As my wife and I look forward to our 30 wedding anniversary this June, and
looking at his study from a Christian perspective, it was interesting to me to
see what the people in his study had to say, and consider my perspective in
comparison.
So what did they have to say? According to Pillemer, overall they said,
“marriage is hard. It takes spirit and
resilience. It is something you work at
and get better at, but it is never completed.”
If there is one thing from this study I agree with, it is this, marriage
does take work, hard work. People too
often think that it is just supposed to happen.
It doesn’t just happen, it takes making it a priority and working at
it. He also speaks of another valuable
perspective that can only come with age and experience, “when you look back
from the finish live over half century or more of marriage, lifelong marriage
is incredibly good. It’s almost
indescribable. It’s such a source of
joy.” I’m not there yet, but looking at my marriage over these thirty years,
there have been some serious hurdles, and with longevity comes a sense of
satisfaction and joy that runs deeper.
Here are some of the retirees’ insights on marriage. I am using his bullet point titles in bold
print, and I will reserve comment on each of these until we get through them
all. I plan to do this in three parts so
keep coming back!
Follow your heart
when choosing a spouse. According to
Pillemer, retirees’ believe you need to experience that “in-love” feeling with
the person you marry, and if you don’t have that, you probably shouldn’t get
married. He goes on to say, “all too
many people get married with a not-in-love or this-is-wrong feeling, but you
have to trust your instinct. One hundred
percent of the elders described a sensation of rightness. If you lack that feeling, and you are just
going into marriage because it’s time, they say it’s very likely not going to
work out well.”
Use your head. The seniors in this study believe you
can’t know for sure if the person is right for you, but you can increase the
odds if you follow your head and look at important things as whether your
potential spouse will be financially responsible, be a good parent, etc. You need to look at traits such as honesty,
fidelity, compassion, and having a sense of humor.
Look for someone with
similar values. Pillemer points out
that while there is a popular myth that opposites attract, these long-term
married retirees say that is not true.
“They say a little bit of difference is good, but the fundamental reason
is to marry someone a lot like you. Some differences can work, but if you have
real differences in core values you’re not likely to last very long.” Some of the areas they stressed are similar
values about religion, money, child rearing, how you want to spend your time, and
the importance of career.
Talk, talk,
talk. All of the people in this
study talked about the importance of communication. According to these retirees, the “strong,
silent type” may be attractive for a time, but usually doesn’t make the best
lifelong partner. Here is a test they
propose: Can you go out for a two-hour dinner and keep an interesting
conversation going? If not, you need to
work on your communication.
I will share the rest of Pillemer's findings in my next post, and then provide my thoughts in a third and final post.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
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