Happy New Year!

As we ring in the New Year, I hope you will take a few minutes to think about whatever blessings you may have, especially the people God has placed in your life.  Take some time tomorrow to tell the people who mean so much to you that you love and appreciate them.  If there is someone you need to forgive, do it, and let them know that you forgive them.  Don't let another day, week, month, or year go by without taking this step.  This is the perfect time to let go of past hurts and forgive.
Time passes by so quickly.  The Bible says our lives are like a shadow (1 Chronicles 29:15) or as James 4:14 states, "What is your life?  For yo are a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes." Make every day count with the people who matter most, your family.  And live on the basis of grace, God's grace.  Jay Adams wrote a book entitled Christian Living in the Home.  In it he talks about the challenges of marriage and family, and how far it is from an ideal place where peace and harmony are always found.  Instead, he says that there is one thing you can say about the Christian home and it is this, "Sinners live there."
I wish you and the people who matter to you a blessed New Year based on the love and grace of God, who loves us with an everlasting love.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Affluenza: Are You Kidding Me?

Have you heard the latest insanity from our courts?  This example comes from the case of Ethan Couch, a 16 year old who killed four people and injured two others while driving drunk.  He had three times the legal limit of alcohol in his blood (of course, as a minor, any amount of alcohol is illegal.  He also had two other drugs in his system.  He was driving a pick up truck owned by his dad's company with stolen beer in it, and when his companions asked him to slow down, he sped up.  Certainly seems like some serious justice and punishment should be handed down, don't you think?  The prosecutor felt that 20 years in jail would be an appropriate sentence.  How about you?  Instead, Tarrant County Judge Jean Boyd sentenced him to no jail time, 10 years of probation and time in a longer term treatment facility.  The facility costs $450,000 per year, to be paid by the young man's wealthy parents.  It offers a number of amenities, including equine therapy and organic foods.  How does a judge come up with a sentence like this?
Well, this young man has parents with money, and they paid for a premier defense team. The team paid for a psychologist, Gary Miller, who testified that this poor kid suffered from "affluenza."  He said that his well to do parents gave their son whatever he wanted, including "freedoms no young person should have."  Are you kidding me?  Really, REALLY, affluenza!  Hey, at least this psychologist has guts.  But where is the head of this judge.  How could any judge look at the loved ones of those family members killed and hurt and say that justice is being served with a sentence like this?
Even if you buy this idea of affluenza being a reality, it doesn't hold any water in a criminal case like this.  First, just because his parents supposedly gave him no consequences for his bad behavior, there are plenty of other places, like school, where a child can learn there are consequences for bad behavior. Second, the judge is doing exactly what this psychologists is saying his parents did, give him no meaningful consequences for his now deadly behavior.
But we can all learn from this case in spite of the obvious insanity displayed by this judge.  Parents need to enforce consequences for the good and bad behavior of their children.  And the sooner the better.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

The Family That Stays Together…..

The Family Research Council just published a new study on the impact of married couples who stay together compared to couples who divorce.  The study found that a married couple's decision to stay together is more influential in lowering the number of teenage out-of-wedlock births, unemployment in fathers, and the number of Americans on welfare than any other factor.  Researchers found that family cohesion is the main factor in determining whether a child will graduate from high school, families avoiding the need for welfare, and the rate of employment among young men.
This is interesting news in light of the popular notion that if a couple is having problems in their marriage, it is better for them to divorce than to expose the kids to ongoing conflict. In fact this study is just the latest addition to the wealth of research demonstrating that unless there is physical abuse, sexual abuse, or drug use, it is better for the couple to stay together, seek counseling, and not give up on the marriage.  Kids need a mom and a dad, and they need to see them work out their problems, even when there is serious disagreement and disfunction.  By every measure, kids always are better off when their parents stay together.  Don't believe it?  Ask some children and adults you know whose parents split up.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Holiday Insanity

What happened to Thanksgiving with your family?  What happened to being content with what you have?  What happened to being polite?  It seems to me we have definitely lost our way this Thanksgiving.  Stores are now opening on Thanksgiving day and evening as a way to lure shoppers in and boost sales.  Great for the store, not great for the employees, and I would argue, not worth it for customers.  Is it really worth sacrificing precious time with family just to get the 50 inch, non-name brand TV on a super sale?  If you think it is, that's your choice, but what about the people forced to sacrifice their family time so that you can get your bargain?  We live in a society where people are increasingly disconnected to their family, their neighbors, and to meaningful relationships.
Then there is all of the goodwill expressed by some people as they compete to get the prized bargain.  I watched news reports of people who seem to have lost their mind so they don't lose their chance at getting what they think they must have.  A bunch of people fighting in a Walmart leading to one woman fighting the police and being arrested, all on video.  A store worker trampled in a K-Mart.  Our local Franklin Mills Mall featured to women fighting and one pulling a taizer on the other.  It was a WWE level brawl.  My favorite is the story out of Georgia of two men fighting over a parking spot, one man hitting the other, and the guy getting hit pulling a knife and stabbing his assailant.  Both men are now in jail.  Happy Thanksgiving fellows!
Is this really worth it?  Can't we make the decision to put family first?  Do you need whatever it is so bad that you are willing to go to jail over it?  For what its worth, I made the decision to not patronize any store open on Thanksgiving this week.  I hope more people will chose to do the same.  But more important, I hope you will think about the value of relationships over stuff, even stuff on sale.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Who's To Blame for the Problems in Your Marriage?

Take a moment and think about whatever problems and frustrations you have in your marriage.  Who's to blame for these problems?  What got me thinking about this was a recent quote from Tim Keller, "Marriage does not so much bring you into confrontation with your spouse as confront you with yourself."  I love this!  Most of the time when couples come to see me for counseling, the focus is on the deficits and failures of the other spouse.  "He/she doesn't listen, he/she doesn't meet my need for _________________, if only he/she would do _____________ our marriage would be so much better, etc.  What I love about Keller's quote is how it stops this in its tracks and forces you think about your entire approach to the problems in your marriage.  Instead of putting the focus on what your spouse is doing or not doing, the focus is put on what actions and attitudes you need to deal with in your own heart and life. 
People in counseling often ask me,  "Why is it so difficult to get along with my spouse?  How come I can get along with others easier than my spouse?"  Let me say first that it is not an issue of mutual compatibility.  I can prove that by the people I have counseled who are in their second marriage.  Unless we are dealing with issues of physical abuse or substance abuse by their spouse, they admit that the struggles they had in their prior marriage they are having in their current marriage.  I would suggest to you that there are two main reasons why it is harder to get along with the person you married.  First of all, you are sharing your life with this person and there is no pay check hanging over you to keep you in line. You can be fired at work for losing it, but not at home.  Second, as the Keller quote suggests, the struggles you have with your spouse bring out the issues you have to address in your own heart more than anyone else.  Your anger, laziness, self-centeredness, impatience, etc. are all exposed more in your marriage than in any other relationship.  To reference another favorite author, Gary Thomas, God designed marriage more to make us holy than to make us happy. God wants to produce the fruits of the Spirit in your life, which are described in Galations 5:22-23 as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.  How about that as a list of qualities to have in your life?  Guess what one of the primary places where God is at work to produce those fruits and to see them evident?  Yep, in your marriage and in your home.  If you are having a hard time with your spouse right now, take the focus off of him/her, and put it on yourself and ask God to show you how He is trying to confront you with yourself.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Dad's Do Make a Difference

Recently two professions journals published information regarding the difference fathers make in the lives of their children.  Personality and Social Psychology Review published the results of a meta-analysis of several decades of parenting studies.  One interesting finding was how much a father means to his children.  Kids who feel rejected by their fathers show higher rates of behavioral problems, delinquency, depression, and substance abuse more that those who feel rejected by their mothers. While rejection by a mother has negative consequences for a child, the degree of negative consequences for fathers is greater.  The Journal of Early Adolescence published a study suggesting children whose fathers use an authoritative parenting style show more persistence than other children, regardless of the mother's parenting style.  Persistence in these children was linked to lower rates of delinquency and greater involvement in school. 
Dads, don't be too quick to think less of your role in parenting.  Maybe you need to rethink your pursuit of divorce, or how much time you spend working compared to the time you spend with each of your kids, or exercising more loving authority in the lives of your children.  If you have been nothing more than an impregnator of women, maybe you need to connect with the children you have abandoned.  Ladies, maybe you need to rethink your pursuit of divorce, or encourage your husband in his role as a parent.  Single ladies, maybe before you allow a guy to be intimate with you, you need to insist on a commitment in marriage.   And maybe we need as a society need to rethink the ways we have been changing the definition of family in recent years. 
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Don't Give Up the Ship!

I have a coffee mug on my desk that I purchased when I was in Erie, PA a couple of years ago that reads, "Don't give up the ship."  The quote is from the battle flag on the USS Niagara in the Battle of Lake Erie. The words are actually the dying command of James Lawrence aboard the USS Chesapeake in a previous battle that year and placed on that battle flag by Commodore Matthew Perry who was in command of the USS Niagara.  I have this mug on my desk to encourage people to fight for their marriage or not give up in whatever personal problems they face.
I recently came across a modern day example of this in a real life story, of all places, out of Hollywood.    Mark Wahlberg recently received his high-school diploma after going back to school through an on-line study program for people who dropped out and want to finish their education.  He also just started a charitable organization to help adults finish their high school education over the internet.  Here is Mark's message, "To those student struggling every day and, most importantly, tho those who are looking for a second chance, I have a message for you: Never give up."
This can-do, never say die attitude is something I love.  And is something I see throughout the pages of the Bible.  You see it in the lives of men like Abraham, Moses, Joshua, David, Nehemiah, Paul, just to name a few.  Here are two quotes from Paul that reflect this.  The first is from the Book of Galations (6:9), "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  The other is from the Book of Philippians (3:13-14), "But one this I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Notice what gives Paul the hope to keep pressing on and not give up.  It is not his own strength or ability, it is his relationship with God.  If it is just up to me, I have no guarantee of success.  But if it is reliance on an all powerful, all knowing, and all present God, then there is no question that His plan for my life will happen, and it will be for His glory and my blessing.  Notice also that Paul is living for someone and something much bigger than himself and his own agenda.  His is living for God and His plan.  As you seek to press on, and not give up your ship, who are you relying on and who are you living for?
Blessings,
Dr. Paul