Preparations for Haiti

Plans are coming together for my upcoming trip to Haiti. I will be flying out of Philly on May 23, joining up with two of our team members, and flying into Port au Prince out of Miami. Thankfully, most of my shots from the Cambodia trip are applicable to Haiti! At this time, one of the biggest needs we have is for a prefabricated structure to be built at the STEP seminary location. Their main building, as seen in this picture, was destroyed in the earthquake, so we need a larger structure to accomodate the 200 pastors who will be attending. Churches Helping Churches is close to securing a contractor , so please pray for God to provide.
Haiti is a country that even before the earthquake was in a bad way. The population is about 9 million and ranks 88th in population. Life expectancy is 61 years and compared to the world it is 181st. AIDs is 2.2 per 100,00 which makes it 28th in the world. Health care is scarce and is definitely sub-standard. The literacy rate is about 53%. In terms of poverty, 80% live under the poverty line, and 54% live in abject poverty. Since the earthquake, many people have either fled the country, or have been displaced to other parts of Haiti. Many of these displaced people live in tent cities. These tent cities range in size from 800 to 15,000 tents in size. Regarding religion, 80% of the country is Roman Catholic, and 50% practice vodoo. Crime and violence are very prevalent, and the Haitian police are understaffed, poorly equipped, and unable to respond to most calls for help.
So, as you can see, this is one needy country. Please pray as we finalize our preparations.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Three Days in Seattle

I know I promised some more thoughts about changes in marriage and family in today's society, but I unexpectedly found myself in Seattle this week. I spent three days in Seattle with Mike Wilkerson and Justin Holcomb from the pastoral staff of Mars Hill Church, Pastor Robert Cheong from Sojourn Church in Louisville, KY, and Tom Kim, the director of a new ministry, Churches Helping Churches.

The reason for these meetings was to plan a conference for pastors in Haiti next month. The purpose is to minister to their needs, and then to encourage and equip them to minister to their congregations and the people of Haiti. Soon after the earthquake, Pastor Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill, and Pastor James MacDonald of Harvest Bible Chapel in Chicago flew to Haiti and were so moved by the devastation that they decided to start a new ministry, Churches Helping Churches.

So you ask what is my connection with all of this? Mark Wilkerson from MHC attended a seminar I gave in 2007 at the CCEF national conference on Responding to Disaster and Crisis. Mike called me last week and asked for me to join their planning team for the conference because of my experience in working with pastors and missionaries, and my work to develop a biblically based response to traumatic stress. So within a week of the first call, I found myself in the offices of Mars Hill Church located in a converted waterfront warehouse with a group of four other men who I didn’t know, putting together a 5 day program for Haitian pastors in crisis. Even though we come from diverse backgrounds, there was an uncanny unity in Christ as we focused on the task at hand. It was a priviledge to work with these men.

In about a month the team will be flying into Port of Prince to minister and provide biblical counseling to a group of 200 pastors. We will be working with STEP seminary at a yet to be determined location (the seminary was partially destroyed). Make no mistake about it, Haiti right now makes just about any other place poverty stricken country in the world look like a palace. Most of the displaced people are living in tent cities ranging in size from 800 to 15,000. Tom Kim has been to Haiti a number of times since the earthquake. He told us heart breaking stories of pastors who are simply shell shocked at the loss, not only for their communities and churches, but in their own lives. One pastor lost all five of his children. Another pastor walks around what’s left of his church building each day crying out to God. While the UN and other relief agencies are working to provide for the physical needs of the people, there is NO organized effort by any other organization to provide help for the pastors, or biblical counseling in traumatic stress (even among secular organizations, there is very little work to provide counseling support to the people). Please keep the team in prayer as we reach out to the church in Haiti. To find out more about Churches Helping Churches, go to their web site, www.churcheshelpingchurches.org, or you can find them on Facebook and Twitter. God be the glory! More to follow on this.

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

The Changing Face of Family Life

The family is changing in America today, like it or not. Let's take a look at some of the most significant changes taking place today. It is important for Christians to understand and respond to these changes in ways that don't compromise the truths of the gospel, but make the gospel more effective in speaking to the way family functions today.
Delaying Marriage: The average age of first marriage for men today is now 27 years old, and for women, it is now 25 years of age. During the 1970's, married couples in their 20's were the majority, but are now not the norm. For people in their 20's, the nrom is for them to be unmarried. For people in their 30's and 40's, a larger minority, 1/3, are single or divorced. Because so many other aspects of young adult life are affected by marital status, including the timing and having of children, housing needs, jobs and economic demands, and relationships with parents and friends, this is a tremendously significant shift in American family life. When it comes to faith, religious practice is especially influenced by marrying, settling down, and raising children. Individuals who marry are more likely to attend religious services regularly than those who delay marriage.
Having Fewer Kids and Having Them Later in Life: Because of the first factor, delayed marriage, married couples are having fewer children, and having them later in life. The average number of births per woman is 2, and 19% of women now have no children. The median age when women give birth has never been higher, 24.5 years of age, and more women age 35 t0 39, and 40 to 44 are having children. A century ago, women in their 30's and 40's would be giving birth to their fourth or fifth child, now it is their first or second.
Decreasing Number of Children in a Two-Parent Home: In 2006, 67% of children were living with both parents, a decline of 18% in 20 years. In 2006, 29% were living with one parent, a 16% increase in the last 20 years. This is another very disturbing trend as every child developes best with a mom and a dad.
In my next post, I will share some additional changes in family life today, and conclude this series with how you as an individual, and the church as a whole can respond in a meaningful way.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Preparing for Marriage

Many couples spend a lot of time and money to prepare for, and enjoy, their wedding ceremony and wedding day. And certainly it is a special day for every couple who marries. A time to express their commitment to each other in front of family and friends. A day to celebrate as they begin a new family.
As important as the wedding is, it is only one day. I wish couples would spend more time not just preparing for their wedding, but for their marriage. What do I mean? Getting solid, in-depth, pre-marital counseling. Many churches today require couples to attend at least a couple of sessions with the pastor, on in a group class for larger churches, or with another counselor.
This is a great start, but I encourage all couples to do more than just a couple of sessions with their pastor, or in a group setting. There are a lot of issues and potential problems that can be missed or glossed over in these instances. When you think about the life-long commitment a couple enters into with marriage, it makes sense for them to get to know as much as they can about each other. Having a pastor or counselor to meet with the couple for at least 6 to 8 sessions just with that couple can make a huge difference in helping both the man and the woman enter their marriage with both eyes open about each other.
When I lead a couple in pre-marital counseling, I make sure we discuss the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship, their families of origin and their impact on the marriage, communication, conflict resolution, money, sex, children and parenting, future in-law relationships, personality issues, just to name a few. I also get the couple to commit to being willing to delay or cancel the wedding if at any point either of them have serious questions or concerns about getting married to the other. The hassle and embarassment of delaying or cancelling the wedding are nothing compared to the heart ache of divorce.
In my 25 years of ministry experience, I have found that taking the time, effort, and money to get this kind of counseling makes a big difference in the future success of any marriage.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Living Together Before Marriage = Higher Divorce

This week a new study by the U.S. Center for Disease Control was released which compared couples who lived together before marriage with those who wait until they marry. For the last few decades many people believe that it is better to live together and try things out before making the committment to marriage. This way, you can see how things work out and avoid going through the pain of divorce. But this new study confirms a truth I have counselled and taught for years, that living together before marriage actually decreases the chances of a long marraige. Among women who lived with their first husband before getting married, they had a 61% chance of their marriage lasting 10 years. This compares with a 66% chance for women who did not live with their first husband. This study was based on a survey of men and women for the National Survey of Family Growth.
The study also looked at couples who got engaged before moving in together. The researchers concluded that this step made a big difference in the ultimate success of the couple's marriage. It found that women who were engaged before cohabiting had a 10 percent better chance of having a 10 year marriage, and engaged men had an 18% better chance compared to those who were not engaged before living together.
So the question is, why is it a problem to live together before marriage? The biggest problem comes down to one word, committment. When a man and woman move in together before marriage, it is a conditional arrangement. The idea is that I will stay with you as long as it works for me, and you meet my needs. If things start going bad, "I am outta here." And of course, there is the issue of sex. One of the most popular excuses for living together I hear is, "We need to make sure we are sexually compatible, that we can have a good sex life." I have news for you, this sexual compatiblity idea is one of the biggest jokes out there. You take a man and a woman and put them in bed, and it will happen. God made it that way. Not only that, researchers have consistently demonstrated that couples who live together have a less satisfying sex life than couples who wait to be married. Why? It is the difference between conditional verses unconditional love. When you live together first, it is a conditional committment. When you make the commitment to be married first, you are saying to your partner, "I love you unconditionally, and my commitment to you is not dependent on how you perform in bed." That gives the couple the freedom to enjoy sexual intimacy without the pressure of "if you don't perform, I am outta here."
Studies also show that couples who get married first have less conflict and more agreement on major issues compared to couples who live together first. I submit that the reason for this is again, the unconditional basis of the commitment for the married couple. Their relationship operates with the understanding that if we have a problem, because we are married, we will work it out because we are here to stay. Compare that to the conditional basis of the relationship of the co-habiting couple.
Commitment makes all the difference, as shown in this CDC study. You see it even with couples who get engaged before living together. I would argue that if you really want to give your relationship the absolute best chance to thrive for the long haul, go beyond simply being enaged before you cohabit. Go for the ultimate unconditional expression of love and commitment you can only get through being married before you live together.
Isn't it interesting that CDC spent all of this time, money, and effort to demonstrate something God communicated through Scripture many centuries ago.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Confession and Forgiveness

There has been a lot of talk about Tiger Woods and his very public apology. Many pundits have been speculating about his sincerety or lack thereof. I would like to focus on what God has to say about what it means to confess our sin and seek forgiveness. One of the best places to see this is with David in Psalm 51. This psalm was written after David's adulterous relationship with Bathsheba. Here are some of the key elements in his confession of sin. First, he calls it what it is, sin. He uses terms like trangression, evil, iniquity. No beating around the bush, no making excuses, no calling it something that sounds nicer than what it is. David also acknowledges that he not only sinned against Bathsheba and her family, but he sinned against God Himself. And so he appeals to God for mercy, to be cleansed from his sin, to be washed whiter than snow.
One contrast I want to make between David in this psalm, and Tiger Woods in his public apology. Tiger emphasized that he was going to overcome his problems through increasing his personal efforts in the pursuit of Budhism. David emphasizes in Psalm 51 that it is not by his own personal efforts, but it is by the power of God that he can be made whole again, "O God, renew a right spirit within me.... restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit." The other truth we see revealed here is the importance of the heart, which is what makes up all that we are on the inside, our desires, emotions, motivation, hopes, dreams, fears, etc. No amount of human effort can take away the guilt of our sin, and no amount of human effort by itself can overcome sin. David acknowledges this truth by praying to God, "create in me a clean heart, O God, renew a right spirit within me."
As much as Tiger Woods may or may not have been sincere in his apology, sincerety alone does not bring about deliverance from sin. That can only happen as we humble ourselves before the true and living God of the scriptures, who alone has the power to truly forgive sin and make us over as a new creation. As David prays, "The sacrifices of god are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Devlier me from bloodguiltiness, O God. O God of my salvation, and my tounge will sing aloud of your righteouness."
Do you struggle over the guilt of your sin? Have you experienced the blessing of knowing that your sin is forgiven? The only way to know this is to know the God who became man in the person of Jesus, the one who lived the life we can never live to pay a price we can never pay.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Valentine's Day

If you listen to the mass media and our culture, the celebration of Valentine's Day is all about candy, flowers, cards, etc. It is about falling in love. I hate that terminology. You fall in ditches, potholes and trenches. When it comes to love, it is all about commitment. You make a choice to love someone, to care, to be vulnerable, to give and give yourself to that person. Certainly there is nothing wrong with romance, it is a lot of fun when you meet the right person, and to sustain the fun and fan the flame of a marriage.
I want to encourage you to think about love not just on Valentine's Day, but throughout the year. The effort and thought you may have put into today to make it special is something that should be an on going effort, something you think about on a regular basis. Marriage, like other important things in life, takes work. In my marraige, when I go on autopilot, when I take it for granted, we quickly begin to drift apart. We get into the rut of going through the motions, conversation is about the functions of our family (who needs to be where and when, what time is dinner, did anyone feed the dog, etc.), and there just isn't the same degree of closeness between us.
I can give you this guarantee, make every day Valentine's Day and you will divorce proof your marriage.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul