The Second Most Important Step in Saving your Marriage

What does it take to save your marriage?  You feel unfulfilled, unloved, disrespected.  You and your spouse seem to be spinning your wheels and getting nowhere.  One or both of you feel trapped.  Hope is fading fast.  What steps can you take to try to save your marriage?  Notice I entitled this post the Second Most Important Step in Saving your Marriage.  No, it's not a misprint.  The first step is recognizing that your marriage is in trouble.  Not everyone gets that.  I can't tell you how many people have been in my office after being told by their spouse that the marriage is over and they had no idea the depth of how he/she was dissatisfied and just wanted out.  I have even had a number of people who didn't get it until they were served with divorce papers.  So the first step is an important one, recognizing there is a problem.

The second step, and one that I find can be the hardest to do, is stop looking at all of the problems and deficiencies of your spouse, and start looking in the mirror.  You have to recognize that unless your spouse is a substance abuser, and/or physically abusing you, you too have contributed to the problems in your marriage.  You and your spouse are both sinners, both in need of God's grace.  On top of that, the only person you can change is you, not your spouse, not your kids, you are the only one you can change.  Jesus talked about how we tend to focus on the problems of others while ignoring our own when he said these words, "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, 'Le me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." We are so quick to see the faults of the other person, but fail to pay attention to the problems we have.  Notice the picture Jesus paints here, it is the difference of a speck of sawdust compared to a log!  Most couples in marital distress have the exact opposite view.  The problems in their spouse is the size of a log while the problems they contribute are the speck.  

If you are going to save a marriage that is going down hill fast, you have to stop "speck picking" your spouse, and start dealing with what you are doing to bring down the relationship.  I know you probably feel very justified in your complaints against your spouse, and they probably have merit, but simply focusing on their deficiencies and trying to get them to change is not gong to save your marriage.  You have to start with yourself.  And to help you do that, let me give you a prayer right out of the Bible that can help you keep your perspective, and be a means of seeking God's help to do this.  It is a prayer written at the end of Psalm 139 and it says this:  "Search me, O God, and know my heart, try me and know my anxious thoughts, and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in your everlasting way."  Notice the focus of the prayer.  It isn't, "Search my spouse and help my spouse see all the things they are doing wrong, and fix him/her." The prayer is focused solely on the one praying it.  

Saying this prayer on a regular basis isn't going to do everything that needs to be done to save your marriage, but it is a start.  God hears and answers prayers like this, use this prayer to not only seek God's help, but to also help to change your perspective on who and what needs to change.  

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

How To Have a Happy Marriage From People Who Know (Part 3 of 3)

Today I want to share some of my thoughts about the different points from Pillemer’s work to examine couples who have been happily married for decades.  For more information on his study, see parts 1 and 2.  So here we go!

Follow Your Heart:  This one can trip you up.  Yes, there is certainly something to the feeling of being in love with someone, and certainly you don’t want to marry someone just because “it is time.”  But, feelings are not what are gong to sustain a happy marriage in the long run.  As Pillimer noted in my introduction to this study, marriage is work, hard work.  As people who see me for counseling know, I detest the idea of “falling in love.”  People fall in ditches, potholes, trenches, and man holes, you don’t fall in love.  You didn’t fall in love.  You met someone with qualities you liked and made a conscious decision to get to know him/her.  The other way this can trip you up is when you are dating and engaged, relying too much on feelings can blind you, or cause you to sugar coat, problems or issues that need to be resolved. 

Use Your Head:  I think this is a great balance to the first point about following your heart.  If there is one thing I try to emphasize with couples in pre-marital counseling it is this point.  Be sure to pay attention to little things that give you a clue to how this person is when not around you. 

Look for someone with similar values:  Not much to say here, this one is right on the money in my opinion.

Talk, talk, talk.  Here we are talking about the life blood of the relationship, the oil that keeps the engine running.  I love his example of can you go out for a two-hour dinner and keep an interesting conversation going.  If there is one thing that can trip up a marriage, it is assumptions and expectations.  The way to keep these from derailing your relationship is to communicate.  This is part of where the work of marriage comes in.  When you are first in love, it is easier to communicate because you are getting to know each other and there is a certain about of infatuation.  As the years of marriage grind on, and kids come on the scene, it takes time and effort to keep communicating as you once did. 

Tread carefully when discussing difficult topics:  I’m not sure about the food issue he states, but I know I can get grumpy when I am hungry!  Timing and giving yourselves a break from the argument are good, just make sure you get back to discussing it so it can be resolved. A helpful scripture here is Ephesians 4:29-30.

Put your relationship first.  Yes, yes, yes!  The ultimate first is your relationship with God, then your spouse, and then everyone else. 

Lighten up on in-law relationships.  Good points here.  When I was in graduate school and we studied marriage and family counseling, my professor talked about the “big three” of why couples come for counseling, money, sex, and kids.  I have since added a fourth, dealing with your in-laws and extended family.  Enough said.

Stay out of debt.  This is also one of the “big three.”  I recommend anything by Dave Ramsey, or taking the Financial Peace University classes. 

Focus on small things to keep the spark alive.  I find that one nice, small act of love, kindness, or appreciation goes a long way.  Let your spouse know they matter to you, and you are thinking of them. 

Enjoy Intimacy.  While sex is not the basis of a marriage, a healthy sex life is the result of a healthy marriage, and was created by God for us to enjoy, within a committed, monogamous, heterosexual marriage. 

Respect each other.  Again, some good advice here.  Respect does involve listening attentively to your spouse, along with valuing them for who they are, their opinion, feelings, etc. 

I found this study by Pillemer to be very interesting and I think we in America should do more to listen and respect those who are our seniors.  They have a lifetime of wisdom and life experience to share. 

Blessings,

Dr. Paul