We Made It!

Recently my wife Phyllis and I reached a milestone of parenting, we graduated from the teen years! Our youngest son turned 20 and for the first time in a decade we no longer are parents of a teenager. Most parents approach the teen years with a lot of fear and worry. Horror stories abound at the PTA meeting, the hair salon, on the side lines of the little league game, etc. I have to admit that I shared some of those fears when our oldest was getting close to being a teenager. But I also thought that the fear and dread many parents expressed might be setting them up for failure. Isn't God in control? And don't I have the power of prayer and the wisdom that comes from years in the school of life to give me an important edge? So I entered these years of parenting with more of a sense of anticipation and optomism than fear and dread. And by the grace of God, in spite of many mistakes made by me as a parent along the way, none of our kids is a criminal, an addict, a bum, or a parent. So how did we not only survive but even thrive at times?

I don't propose to be an expert on all things parenting, but I would like to share some advice from what we learned after seeing our three kids navigate the teen years. Phyllis and I are far from being perfect parents. We both have things we would do differently if we had the opportunity to do it again. So here goes in no special order or preference:

1. Pray, pray, pray.

2. Don't neglect your marriage.

3. Decide what battles are worth fighting and what battles are not.

4. Decide #3 with your spouse away from the kids and present a united front.

5. Have dinner together as a family on the majority of nights.

6. Don't just drop your kids at church, but bring your kids with you to church.

7. Be the same person in private that you are in public.

8. Spend time with each of your kids on a weekly basis.

9. Show an interest in the things your teen enjoys even if you don't like or understand it.

10. Reserve the right to inspect any and all of your child's belongings and room at any time.

So there you have it, our first ten items. Let me know what you think. Share some of your ideas with me, I would enjoy hearing from you.

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

The Financial Impact of Federal Policy on Families

There is a lot of concern, and rightly so, about the looming financial crisis surrounding the raising of our national debt limit. Both democrats and republicans have dug in for a fight and are risking a default by our government for the first time in history. This will have a devastating impact if it is allowed to happen.
As much as I am concerned about this current crisis, I have been concerned for a long time about the financial impact of our federal government on marriage and family. Here are three areas that are big on my radar screen. And they are so big because they are all areas where our federal government has a negative financial impact.
First, the failure of our government to keep up with the child deduction. This has fallen further and further behind and has a big impact on families. When first enacted back in the 1950’s, it was designed to lesson the tax burden on families who are raising children. But congress has failed to raise it sufficiently to keep up with inflation. If they had, what is a $2000 deduction today would be much higher, over $8000. Imagine the benefit to families who now often need both parents to work to pay their bills. How many mothers would rather be at home instead of placing their children in day care?
Second, the impact of the marriage penalty. The way our over complicated tax law is written, a couple who are married and file jointly pay more taxes than a couple who are not married but living together. The family is the foundation of any society, and yet we make it harder for couples who want to be married. So what if people simply live together? There are many negative outcomes for a couple who chose to live together, including a higher rate of break up if they stay unmarried, and a higher rate of divorce if they do eventually marry. Our government should be doing everything it can to strengthen marriage and family, not undermining it through the tax code.
Third, school choice. By any measure you can think of, our public schools are doing a poor job when compared to other industrialized nations. We spend more money per student than any time in our nation’s history, and yet our schools are not keeping up with the rest of the world. In this global economy, parents should have the opportunity to send their children to the best school possible, public, private, or religious. We are a free, capitalist society and that allows for one of the greatest incentives to do better ever devised, competition. If schools and teachers were forced to compete, I can guarantee that their performance would improve, and as a result of that, the education that our students receive. This is an issue that our federal government can and should address.
Am I concerned about the looming federal debt crisis, you bet, and I have called my representative and senators about it. You can be sure this will have a very negative impact on your family if it isn’t resolved now: higher costs, higher interest rates, more difficulty obtaining credit, etc. But what concerns me just as much, if not more, is the negative financial impact of a government that is increasing undermining the support for marriage and family.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

What is Infidelity Today?

The national media are all over the situation with Congressman Weiner admitting to sending inappropriate, sexually charged text messages and pictures to as many as six different women. The congressman in his press conference yesterday seemed to draw a line between sending these messages, which he agreed were wrong, and having actual physical contact with these women. So where do we draw the line, and what is marital infidelity today?
I would like to suggest two points to consider in answer to this question. First, anytime you have to hide something from your spouse regarding any form of communication to a member of the opposite sex, you are being unfaithful. If you can't be open and honest about it from the get go, then there is a problem.
Second, just because there is any physical contact does not mean it is ok either. The sexually suggestive or explicit content, or emotionally making a connection to someone in a way that you should only be connected to your spouse are all examples of crossing the line of what is wrong in a relationship where two people are committed to each other. In addition, once you start moving down this track it is only a matter of time before the two people involved find themselves in each others arms in what would be considered cheating before the electronic era in which we live.
Unfortunately, while electronic forms of communciation provide wonderful opportunities to share information or stay connected with friends and family, it also makes inappropriate connections much easier. The best defense is having a strong moral compass to keep you grounded in the truth and in your commitment to your spouse.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

A Father's Prayer

I write this blog with a lot of emotion. My daughter Stephanie is getting married in two days. Not only do I have the priviledge of walking her down the aisle, but she and her husband-to-be asked me to complete the ceremony for them after I give her away. I remember her saying to me, "Daddy, I have always dreamed that you would walk me down the aisle and then marry me and my husband, is that ok?" Of course I said yes, how could I do otherwise as she looked at me with those beautiful eyes which remind me of her mother.


Today I will be putting the finishing touches on my message to her and Ben, along with a lot of running around for wedding logistics. Things have gotten a bit stressful lately as we enter these final days before the big day, as they do in any family preparing for their daughter's wedding. And so what is the FOB (Father of Bride) to do? In a word, pray. Phyllis and I have prayed a lot for her and our sons over the years. Not only have we prayed for them, we have prayed for their future spouses if God desired them to be married. God answered our prayer in Ben, a fine Christian man who loves our daughter with all of his heart and who our daughter loves with all of her heart. But we loved her first, and that love will never end just because she leaves our home to start a new family. I always knew this day would come, and now that it is just about here, there are tears that cloud my view of this computer screen. Tears of joy for her, tears of pride, tears of gratitude for my wife who has done so much in raising our children and working so hard as a nurse, tears of gratitude for the family God has given us with our daughter and two sons, tears of letting her go, tears of thanks for the man who has become her primary love in life. She will always be my girl, but now I need to place her hand into Ben's. This isn't easy for Phyllis and I, would we ever be completely ready for this? But the time has come in the unfolding of God's plan for our daughter.

And so I have prayed for God to bless Stephanie and Ben as He has blessed us as a family. I pray that God would watch over her as we let her go. I pray for Phyllis and I that we would be brought closer together through this experience. In some ways this is harder for her as a mother and daugther share a special bond. I pray for our sons, Paul and Andrew, that they would blessed as they have a part in the letting go of their sister and the welcoming of Ben into our family. I pray for Ben's family as they experience all of this from their perspective as his parents and siblings. I pray for the details of that day (good weather, smooth logistics, everyone working together, that I don't blubber down the aisle, etc., etc., etc.). I pray that their marraige would be a testimony to God's love and grace. And I pray that even as we let her go, that we would remember that we are still a family, Stephanie is still our daughter, that we have gained a new son, that one day we will be grandparents if God so blesses them, and that in Phyllis' heart she will still be her daughter, continuing to share so much that mothers and daughters enjoy, and in my heart, she will always be daddy's little girl.


Love,


Dad

Wedding Preparations

The royal wedding is now over and the happy couple are on the way to their honeymoon. For the last few months, the news media has been all over the preparations for the big day. We have heard all about every detail of every phase of this wedding of the century. My wife and daughter were glued to the TV on that morning. It is estimated that two billion people watched the bride walk 300 hundred steps from the back of the church to the altar for the ceremony. So what have I been thinking about through all of this? To be honest, I am a little tired of all of the hype and hysteria over it, unlike my wife and daughter who, like many women, are enjoying every moment. But I would like to use the occasion of the royal wedding to make a more serious point. It is obvious that no expense was spared to make this wedding the most glamorous. Everything was planned to the last detail. However, with all of these preparations, did any effort go into planning the marriage? What I am talking about here is the importance of preparing for the kind of marriage the husband and wife will have, in other words, pre-marital counseling. Like most couples, a lot of time and energy goes into planning the wedding and reception to follow. And certainly there is nothing wrong with that. I want to make a plea for couples to take as serious the need to get pre-marital counseling so the husband and bride to be can have the greatest opportunity for a successful life together. With the track record of the Windsor family marriages, William and Catherine need all the help they can get, as do any couple contemplating this important commitment for life.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

"What in the world is going on?"

One of the guys in my firehouse asked me this question recently. A few of us were discussing the earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear emergency in Japan, along with combat in Lybia, problems in the Middle East, etc. So he turned to me for some answers. My response was two fold. First, I can't answer specifically for God, but I do know that God is in control, He has a plan, and is never taken by surprise. He has a plan for the world, and Satan will do everything he can to try and stop it. Plus, we live in a physical world that is impacted by the fall of Adam, so natural disasters and other physical suffering will take place. Second, God loves and cares for us, and for the hurting people around the world. He cares so much that He became a man in the person of Jesus to experience life as we do, including all of the hurt, suffering, and betrayal we could ever experience.
This is seen in many of the promises He gives us in the Bible. One of my favorite is Psalm 46, God is my refuge and strength, and a very present help in times of trouble.
What in the world is going on? God has a plan, and that plan includes the return of His Son. So expect more natural disasters along with wars and rumors of war as we move closer to the completion of His plan.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Kids and Facebook

How old should a child be to be on social media? This is a hot question today. Michelle Obama made some comments lately that provoked a lot of debate among parents. Speaking of her daughters, she said, “I’m not a big fan of children having FB, it’s not something they need.” Social media like Facebook have a policy requiring kids to be at least 13 years old. But is this too young? Here is what a study, the Internet and American Life Project funded by the Pew Foundation, recently discovered. This study found that 93% of children 12 to 17 are online.
73% of them are on one or more social media. This means that a lot of 12 and 13 year olds are using social media.
In a recent survey conducted by ABC News, most parents feel that age 15 is the youngest for social media. Even more striking, 43% of parents felt that social media are not appropriate for anyone under 18 years of age. Obviously, there is a disconnect between what parents said in the ABC survey and the amount of kids who are using social media according to the Pew study.
So what is a parent to do? Here are some things to consider:
The maturity level of your child.
Your child's school performance.
How social is your child?
What real activities is your child involved in?
How much are you willing and able to monitor your child's activity?
Regardless of the age which you select for your child's participation in social media, you want to impress upon your child some important safeguards:
Only allow selected friends to see your child's information and posts.
Never provide address and home or cell phone numbers.
Make sure your child understands that inappropriate photographs, posts, and comments can cause great harm, impact future job prospects, etc.
Have all passwords and make sure you can access all of their accounts. Go on their social media on a regular basis to monitor your child's activity.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul