Staying Connected To Your Spouse

Life is busy, time is short, the tyranny of the urgent always seems to be in the way, and what suffers is often my marriage. Sound familiar? So what is a married couple to do? Many couples simply drift slowly apart as they get so caught up in the business of life. When communication does happen, it is often on a surface level, or about who has to be where and other family logistics. Here are two ways to measure how connected you really are. First, ask yourself when was the last time you and your spouse had a meaningful conversation that went to the level of your feelings and your spiritual condition, when you were really vulnerable with your spouse in what you said? The second measure is to ask when was the last time you and your spouse went out on a date and did something fun without the kids? If your answer to either of these was more than two weeks, you are headed for trouble. "But you don't know how busy we are!" I am a full time pastor, I run a counseling ministry, and I respond to fire calls as a member of my local fire company. Do you really want to say you are busier than me?

So what is my answer for staying connected to your spouse. Carve out time to spend together, and make your marriage a priority. In addition to getting out on a date, or making time to communicate on a deeper level, let me suggest one other way to stay connected. Get away together for an overnight. My wife and I went for a get away together in Cape May for her birthday. Nothing fancy, just time spent together. I am writing this on the day we got back. And I can tell you, this was a nice shot in the marriage arm to deepen our sense of connection with each other. Even if you aren't feeling disconnected, or can't afford to get away, ship the kids to the grandparents, and spend a day together. Don't make the mistake of saying that once the kids are off to college, then we will spend time on our marriage. If you do, you will wind up sitting across from me in my office lamenting that you and your spouse don't know each other anymore. So, what are you going to do to reconnect with your spouse?

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

How To Know How Godly You Really Are

I find it interesting that most people consider themselves to be a good person. If you ask just about anyone if they are basically good, and if they expect to go to heaven, they will say yes, or at least, they hope to get to heaven. Probe a little further, and they will tell you that even though they are not perfect and don't always do the right thing, the good outweighs the bad in their life. So is everyone good? According to the Bible, we are not, For all have sinner and fallen short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23. You may not want to accept this truth from God's word, so here is the proof from your own life. If you really want to know how godly you really are, think about how you act when no one is looking. You are by yourself, or you are away from home in another community, state, or country. What do you find tempting, and how much do you respond to that temptation? The answer you give tells you how godly you really are. Here is another test, ask yourself how you act and think when you are dealing with stress and difficulty in your life. When you are under stress, you will automatically default to who you really are. Any ungodliness in your life will come front and center for all to see.

So how godly are you? If you are like me, not as godly as you thought!

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

New Beginnings: 3 Scriptures

After posting such a negative sounding article, I thought I would start the New Year on a much more hopeful note. One of the most encouraging truths of the Bible is the fact that God is the God of new beginnings. Maybe for you, 2011 was a year where you fell into some serious sin. God has an answer for that. In first John 1:9 we read, If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Notice that He promises to cleanse us not from some of our sin, or most of our sin, but ALL of our sin. The key is having a relationship with God and confessing our sin to Him.

Perhaps 2011 was a year when a lot of things didn't go well for you. God has a message for you as well. In Philippians 3:13-14 Paul writes, But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. You can't change the past, you can only decide to follow a better path today by renewing your commitment to Christ and seeking after Him.

As we begin a New Year, I want to share one of my favorite promises of God's word from Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope. I can think of no better way to look forward to a better New Year, confessing our sin, pressing forward to be more like Christ, and doing so with hope!

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

Good Riddance 2011

In case you did not hear, today is "Good Riddance 2011 Day." This is the 5th year for Good Riddance Day and it provides residents and tourists in New York City a chance to make way for the new year by destroying their bad memories and regrets from 2011. Participants can stop by the location in Times Square to shred or smash things they would rather leave behind in 2011. "All you need to do is write out, or bring in, whatever it is you would like to forget, and the Times Square Alliance will take care of it." "Anything you write on a piece of paper goes into this shredder and actually everything gets recycled so eventually your ex-boyfriend will turn into a paper cup or toilet paper, says Lori Raimondo of the Times Square Alliance. "And if it is a physical object wee have this here so if you want to destroy that cell phone or chairs that's been so uncomfortable, you can come here and take this mallet. We'll give you safety goggles and you just pummel it." The most creative person to say good riddance will win an Apple iPad.

As I listened to this story on TV news this morning, I thought about how God has so much more to offer people than simply smashing a bad experience from 2011. God tells us in His word that He offers us the opportunity for anyone to become a new creation through faith in Jesus Christ, If any man be in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17). This is so much more profound than simply shredding a piece of paper, it involves starting a new life in relationship with our Creator! It involves experiencing the forgiveness of our sins, freedom from guilt and shame, and the promise of eternal life.

For the believer, God is also the God of new beginnings. Paul tells believers in Philippians 3:13, Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to sin the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. This past year might have been a year of difficulty, disappointment, or despair, but God has promised that He will never leave you or forsake you, and He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. It is always good to re-evaluate your life and stake stock of where you are as you enter a new year. And that may include leaving behind some things in 2011. But whether 2011 was a good or bad year, God offers so much more than a shredder and a sledge hammer. May God bless you throughout this coming year.

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

Thankfulness Leads to a Healthier Life

Do you want to live healthier? A number of recent studies have found that living with a thankful perspective on life actually increases your general sense of well being and your physical healthi Our natural tendency is for our minds to dwell on problems unresolved, opportunities missed, relationships broken, promises unkept, faded dreams, fears of uncertainty, and guilt over past mistakes. While life does bring its share of challenges and disappointments, it also brings us great joys: problems solved, opportunities seized, relationships built, promises kept, dreams fulfilled, hope that reassures our fear—blessing upon blessing.

An attitude of gratitude provides a lifeline to carry us through the darkest moments and uncertainties of life as it reaches into the depths of our souls with awareness of God’s faithful provision for us. That same spirit of thankfulness causes our hearts to overflow with joy. A few years ago, researchers Robert A. Emmons from the University of California, Davis and Michael E. McCullough from the University of Miami conducted a study on the dimensions of gratitude. They considered how an attitude of thankfulness influences our emotional and physical well-being, and they found that it really does make a healthier difference.

But there's a catch: You have to do it even when the calendar does not say "Thanksgiving.""It doesn't really work if you do it only once a year," says Sonja Lyubomirsky, professor of psychology at the University of California-Riverside.Practicing gratitude is like exercising, says Robert Emmons, professor of psychology at the University of California-Davis: Use it, and you won't lose it, even when times are tough, as they are for many folks right now.

Lyubomirsky and Emmons are among researchers who have studied the power of gratitude and learned, for example, that:

•People with high blood pressure not only lower their blood pressure, but feel less hostile and are more likely quit smoking and lose weight when they practice gratitude. In one study, patients just called a research hotline once a week to report on the things that made them grateful.

•People who care for relatives with Alzheimer's disease feel less stress and depression when they keep daily gratitude journals, listing the positive things in their lives.

•Those who maintain a thankful attitude through life appear to have lower risks of several disorders, including depression, phobias, bulimia and alcoholism.

•Most people can lift their mood simply by writing a letter of thanks to someone. Hand-deliver the letter, and the boost in happiness can last weeks or months.

Practicing gratitude in these systematic ways changes people by changing brains that "are wired for negativity, for noticing gaps and omissions," Emmons says. "When you express a feeling, you amplify it. When you express anger, you get angrier; when you express gratitude, you become more grateful." And grateful people, he says, don't focus so much on pain and problems. They also are quicker to realize they have friends, families and communities to assist them in times of need. They see how they can help others in distress as well, he says.

After 9/11, many people reported increased feelings of gratitude, says Chris Peterson, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan. It's too soon for studies on the influence of the nation's financial meltdown, but Peterson says he hears a lot of people counting their blessing these days. "There are people who say 'It could be worse, and I'm glad I have my health.' " Gratitude won't get those people new jobs or replenish their retirement accounts, but it could give them the energy to tackle their challenges, Peterson says: "It can only help."

So as you gather today with family to give thanks, keep that attitude of gratitude throughout the year. You will be happier for it.

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

Happiness and Longevity

How happy are you? If you are more of a happy person, you stand a much greater chance of living a longer life. A new study out of England suggests that people who are happy live 35% longer. The study, published today in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, found that those who reported feeling happiest had a 35% reduced risk of dying compared with those who reported feeling least happy.

Rather than rely on recollections about their feelings of happiness as in earlier studies, this British study of 3,853 participants ages 52-79 rated their feelings at different times on one particular day. Five years later, researchers recorded the number who died and controlled for a variety of factors, including age, gender, health, wealth, education and marital status.

This approach "gets closer to measuring how people actually feel" rather than relying on recollections or general questions about well-being, says epidemiologist Andrew Steptoe, a psychology professor at University College in London, who co-authored the study.

How happy a person is at any point in time, he says, is a product of "some background disposition; some people tend to be happier than others," but also "what they are doing, who they are with, and other features of that point in time. Both are important."

"It's perfectly true that someone's happiness over a single day will be affected by what happens to them over that period," Steptoe says. "However, survey experts and psychologists have come to the view that in many ways, this is a better approach to understanding how people actually feel than asking them general questions about how happy they are. Responses to general questions are influenced strongly by personality, by what people think they 'ought' to say and by recollections that might not be quite accurate," Steptoe says.

Certainly more research can help solidify the results of this particular study, but it does add to the growing amount of research linking inner well being and physical heath. Who would have thought that when the Bible says to "rejoice always" that it could lead to a longer life!

Blessings,

(A Happy) Dr. Paul

Steve Jobs' Legacy

Steve Jobs, the creative genius behind Apple, passed away earlier this month after battling cancer. His death is a great loss to his family, to Apple, and to all of us who benefit from the technology he helped to develop. I am currently typing this on an Apple computer after driving home listening to music on my iPod from my day of counseling and working with a group of pastors in Lancaster. The pioneering work he did has literally changed the way we listen to music, work with computers, and talk to people on the phone. I would say it is safe to call him a modern day, computer era Thomas Edison.

With all of the success of Apple, Steve Jobs was a very private person. Sure, any time Apple would introduce a new product, Steve would be the one to unveil it to the world with great fanfare. But other than that, you wouldn't really see or hear much about him, or his family. I admire that, actually, keeping his private life private.

For all of his success, there is at least one area where Steve Jobs felt he came up short, and that is his role as a father. As he faced his impending death, he felt it was time to address his life as a dad. Here is how he was quoted in USA Today:

"I wanted my kids to know me," Jobs was quoted as saying by Pulitzer Prize nominee Walter Isaacson, when he asked the Apple co-founder why he authorized a tell-all biography after living a private, almost ascetic life. "I wasn't always there for them, and I wanted them to know why and to understand what I did," Jobs told Isaacson in their final interview at Jobs' home in Palo Alto, California.

This, to me, is very sad. Jobs leaves a tremendous tremendous legacy in business and computer technology, but his own children are left to learn about who their dad really was by reading a book. Instead of their minds filled with memories of spending time with their father, they are left with words on a page.

When I was a teenager, the song Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin, was very popular. I think the words of this song are apparently something Steve Jobs' children will identify with:

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

So dad's what kind of legacy will you leave for your children? If you want to learn more about how to be a dad who will make a difference in the lives of your children, get out to the theatre and see the movie "Courageous," produced by the makers of the "Fireproof." You will be glad you did. I went with my wife and my sons, and we were all blessed by it.

Blessings,

Dr. Paul