The Second Most Important Step in Saving your Marriage

What does it take to save your marriage?  You feel unfulfilled, unloved, disrespected.  You and your spouse seem to be spinning your wheels and getting nowhere.  One or both of you feel trapped.  Hope is fading fast.  What steps can you take to try to save your marriage?  Notice I entitled this post the Second Most Important Step in Saving your Marriage.  No, it's not a misprint.  The first step is recognizing that your marriage is in trouble.  Not everyone gets that.  I can't tell you how many people have been in my office after being told by their spouse that the marriage is over and they had no idea the depth of how he/she was dissatisfied and just wanted out.  I have even had a number of people who didn't get it until they were served with divorce papers.  So the first step is an important one, recognizing there is a problem.

The second step, and one that I find can be the hardest to do, is stop looking at all of the problems and deficiencies of your spouse, and start looking in the mirror.  You have to recognize that unless your spouse is a substance abuser, and/or physically abusing you, you too have contributed to the problems in your marriage.  You and your spouse are both sinners, both in need of God's grace.  On top of that, the only person you can change is you, not your spouse, not your kids, you are the only one you can change.  Jesus talked about how we tend to focus on the problems of others while ignoring our own when he said these words, "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, 'Le me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." We are so quick to see the faults of the other person, but fail to pay attention to the problems we have.  Notice the picture Jesus paints here, it is the difference of a speck of sawdust compared to a log!  Most couples in marital distress have the exact opposite view.  The problems in their spouse is the size of a log while the problems they contribute are the speck.  

If you are going to save a marriage that is going down hill fast, you have to stop "speck picking" your spouse, and start dealing with what you are doing to bring down the relationship.  I know you probably feel very justified in your complaints against your spouse, and they probably have merit, but simply focusing on their deficiencies and trying to get them to change is not gong to save your marriage.  You have to start with yourself.  And to help you do that, let me give you a prayer right out of the Bible that can help you keep your perspective, and be a means of seeking God's help to do this.  It is a prayer written at the end of Psalm 139 and it says this:  "Search me, O God, and know my heart, try me and know my anxious thoughts, and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in your everlasting way."  Notice the focus of the prayer.  It isn't, "Search my spouse and help my spouse see all the things they are doing wrong, and fix him/her." The prayer is focused solely on the one praying it.  

Saying this prayer on a regular basis isn't going to do everything that needs to be done to save your marriage, but it is a start.  God hears and answers prayers like this, use this prayer to not only seek God's help, but to also help to change your perspective on who and what needs to change.  

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

How To Have a Happy Marriage From People Who Know (Part 3 of 3)

Today I want to share some of my thoughts about the different points from Pillemer’s work to examine couples who have been happily married for decades.  For more information on his study, see parts 1 and 2.  So here we go!

Follow Your Heart:  This one can trip you up.  Yes, there is certainly something to the feeling of being in love with someone, and certainly you don’t want to marry someone just because “it is time.”  But, feelings are not what are gong to sustain a happy marriage in the long run.  As Pillimer noted in my introduction to this study, marriage is work, hard work.  As people who see me for counseling know, I detest the idea of “falling in love.”  People fall in ditches, potholes, trenches, and man holes, you don’t fall in love.  You didn’t fall in love.  You met someone with qualities you liked and made a conscious decision to get to know him/her.  The other way this can trip you up is when you are dating and engaged, relying too much on feelings can blind you, or cause you to sugar coat, problems or issues that need to be resolved. 

Use Your Head:  I think this is a great balance to the first point about following your heart.  If there is one thing I try to emphasize with couples in pre-marital counseling it is this point.  Be sure to pay attention to little things that give you a clue to how this person is when not around you. 

Look for someone with similar values:  Not much to say here, this one is right on the money in my opinion.

Talk, talk, talk.  Here we are talking about the life blood of the relationship, the oil that keeps the engine running.  I love his example of can you go out for a two-hour dinner and keep an interesting conversation going.  If there is one thing that can trip up a marriage, it is assumptions and expectations.  The way to keep these from derailing your relationship is to communicate.  This is part of where the work of marriage comes in.  When you are first in love, it is easier to communicate because you are getting to know each other and there is a certain about of infatuation.  As the years of marriage grind on, and kids come on the scene, it takes time and effort to keep communicating as you once did. 

Tread carefully when discussing difficult topics:  I’m not sure about the food issue he states, but I know I can get grumpy when I am hungry!  Timing and giving yourselves a break from the argument are good, just make sure you get back to discussing it so it can be resolved. A helpful scripture here is Ephesians 4:29-30.

Put your relationship first.  Yes, yes, yes!  The ultimate first is your relationship with God, then your spouse, and then everyone else. 

Lighten up on in-law relationships.  Good points here.  When I was in graduate school and we studied marriage and family counseling, my professor talked about the “big three” of why couples come for counseling, money, sex, and kids.  I have since added a fourth, dealing with your in-laws and extended family.  Enough said.

Stay out of debt.  This is also one of the “big three.”  I recommend anything by Dave Ramsey, or taking the Financial Peace University classes. 

Focus on small things to keep the spark alive.  I find that one nice, small act of love, kindness, or appreciation goes a long way.  Let your spouse know they matter to you, and you are thinking of them. 

Enjoy Intimacy.  While sex is not the basis of a marriage, a healthy sex life is the result of a healthy marriage, and was created by God for us to enjoy, within a committed, monogamous, heterosexual marriage. 

Respect each other.  Again, some good advice here.  Respect does involve listening attentively to your spouse, along with valuing them for who they are, their opinion, feelings, etc. 

I found this study by Pillemer to be very interesting and I think we in America should do more to listen and respect those who are our seniors.  They have a lifetime of wisdom and life experience to share. 

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

How to Have a Happy Marriage From People Who Know, Part 2 (of 3)

Last week I shared some of the results from a significant study of senior adults by gerontologist Dr. Karl Pillemer from Cornell University.  on how to have a happy marriage for the long haul.  He conducted 700 interviews with people 65 and older in what he calls The Marriage Advice Project.  See last week’s blog for more details about the study and the first half of the findings he reported.  Here are the rest of the advice he gained from his interviews: 

Tread carefully when discussing difficult topics.  If you want smooth marital communication, timing is critical.  Read cues from your partner to decide the best time to raise an issue.  When things aren’t going well in a discussion, back off, Pillemer says.  He also points out that one surprising finding from his research is retirees said that sometimes their marital arguments might be related to one or both of them needing to get something to eat. Whether it is low blood sugar or just the need for comfort, food seems to help tone down conflict.  One couple said when they were having a tiff, she offers her husband a sandwich, and he offers her a cup of tea. 

Put your relationship first.  Your relationship with your spouse has to come before the kids, in-laws, jobs, friends, and anything else, retirees said.  You don’t do your children much good if your marriage dries up. 

Lighten up on in-law relationships.

Many of the elder experts said you don’t marry a person; you marry his or her family.  People should work hard on the relationship with their in-laws, even though it may mean compromise, withholding opinions and searching for points to respect and admire.

Stay out of debt.

The couples in this study recommended living within whatever amount of money you make and avoiding debt, especially for luxury items and credit-card debt. 

Focus on small things to keep the spark alive.  Pillemer says, “Marriage is made of thousands of micro intentions.”  The retirees said to keep those interactions positive:  give compliments, do unexpected little things like the other person’s chores.  Many of those interviewed said the failure to give and receive compliments was one of their big regrets. 

Enjoy Intimacy.  Many older people who have a partner “are having very fulfilling sex lives. People really enjoy the sense of intimacy with a lifelong partner” according to Pillemer.  He goes on to say,  “one of my favorite quotes in the book was the guy who said, ‘Look at our age this is recreation, not procreation.”    

Respect each other.  This means paying attention to how you say things, and listening and showing that you are listening to what your partner says.  “Long-married retirees say the real danger of marriage is that you know someone so well that they are extremely vulnerable to you.  You have the ability to hurt them more than anybody else you know.  Respect is the protection against that,” says Pillemer. 

So there you have it, how to have a long, happy marriage from people who know.  In my next post I will comment on the points made from this study.  What do you think about the results from this study? 

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

How to Have a Happy Marriage From People Who Know, Part 1

How to Have a  Happy Marriage From People Who Know

Since it is Valentine's Day and everyone is thinking about love, or the lack thereof, I would like to share the results of an interesting study on how to be happily married, and for the long-haul.  I normally don’t spend much time reading material from gerontologists, but recently Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University gerontology professor did a study of hundreds of seniors asking them the secret to a happy marriage.  He spent the last four years conducting what he calls the Marriage Advice Project.  He did interviews with more than 700 retirees, 65 and older, who were married for an average of 43 years.  The longest was a marriage of 76 years between a 101 year-old man and a 98 year-old woman.  His sample included some people who were happily married for years, those who were widowed, and those who had been through multiple marriages and divorces.  As my wife and I look forward to our 30 wedding anniversary this June, and looking at his study from a Christian perspective, it was interesting to me to see what the people in his study had to say, and consider my perspective in comparison. 

So what did they have to say?  According to Pillemer, overall they said, “marriage is hard.  It takes spirit and resilience.  It is something you work at and get better at, but it is never completed.”  If there is one thing from this study I agree with, it is this, marriage does take work, hard work.  People too often think that it is just supposed to happen.  It doesn’t just happen, it takes making it a priority and working at it.  He also speaks of another valuable perspective that can only come with age and experience, “when you look back from the finish live over half century or more of marriage, lifelong marriage is incredibly good.  It’s almost indescribable.  It’s such a source of joy.” I’m not there yet, but looking at my marriage over these thirty years, there have been some serious hurdles, and with longevity comes a sense of satisfaction and joy that runs deeper. 

Here are some of the retirees’ insights on marriage.  I am using his bullet point titles in bold print, and I will reserve comment on each of these until we get through them all.  I plan to do this in three parts so keep coming back! 

Follow your heart when choosing a spouse.  According to Pillemer, retirees’ believe you need to experience that “in-love” feeling with the person you marry, and if you don’t have that, you probably shouldn’t get married.  He goes on to say, “all too many people get married with a not-in-love or this-is-wrong feeling, but you have to trust your instinct.  One hundred percent of the elders described a sensation of rightness.  If you lack that feeling, and you are just going into marriage because it’s time, they say it’s very likely not going to work out well.” 

Use your head.  The seniors in this study believe you can’t know for sure if the person is right for you, but you can increase the odds if you follow your head and look at important things as whether your potential spouse will be financially responsible, be a good parent, etc.  You need to look at traits such as honesty, fidelity, compassion, and having a sense of humor. 

Look for someone with similar values.  Pillemer points out that while there is a popular myth that opposites attract, these long-term married retirees say that is not true.  “They say a little bit of difference is good, but the fundamental reason is to marry someone a lot like you. Some differences can work, but if you have real differences in core values you’re not likely to last very long.”  Some of the areas they stressed are similar values about religion, money, child rearing, how you want to spend your time, and the importance of career. 

Talk, talk, talk.  All of the people in this study talked about the importance of communication.  According to these retirees, the “strong, silent type” may be attractive for a time, but usually doesn’t make the best lifelong partner.  Here is a test they propose: Can you go out for a two-hour dinner and keep an interesting conversation going?  If not, you need to work on your communication.

I will share the rest of Pillemer's findings in my next post, and then provide my thoughts in a third and final post.  

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

Living the "Lie"

This week I want to feature Susan Sciarratta from our counseling team.  Her post is about how we can get caught up in self-deception.

As we grow up, we make meaning from all the things that we do and experience.  Even the same event can be experienced differently by two people depending on what it means to them. A late afternoon thunderstorm may be an answer to a farmer’s prayer or a cancellation for a boy’s first baseball game. 

Likewise, our experiences can shape our beliefs, often without us realizing it.  For example, maybe you have a habit of always blaming other people for your personal misfortunes. Where did that come from? Somewhere along the way, you decided that nothing is ever your fault. Maybe you think that life should always be fair, or that all conflict must be avoided, or that you need to have everyone’s approval. These are lies that we believe, and the problem is that trying to live according to these lies and absolutes will eventually lead to disappointment and confusion.

Before you start thinking that Christians are exempt from these lies, think again. Christians shouldn’t show anger. Good Christians don’t get depressed. God can’t use me unless I am living a squeaky clean life. God will never forgive “that” sin. God wants me to be happy all the time. God will protect me from pain and suffering. Do any of these sound familiar to you or someone you love? Maybe you remember a specific time in your young life that led you to believe it, or maybe it took some years to develop this belief.

The next time “life” disappoints you, make a responsibility pie. Which slice belongs to you, and which to others? Does this situation impact what you think about yourself, or about God? Is there a Scripture or Bible story that parallels this situation? If this has happened before, was the outcome what you had expected? Were things ever not what they seemed at the time? Challenge yourself to seek the truth. Ask God to shine His light into the darkness of the lies, and rewrite that lie into a truth that will set you free from the chain of self-deception.

Susan Sciarratta

The Saddest Day of the Year

 Feeling depressed today? You’re not alone, today is “Blue Monday,” a day many consider to be the saddest day of the year.  And just why is this day the gloomiest?  A number of reasons are given:

            -All of the credit card bills from Christmas and Hannukah are coming in.

            -You are starting to get your W-2’s and 1099’s which remind you that tax season is coming.

            -Your New Year’s resolutions are losing steam or have stopped altogether.

            -The days are still short and the nights are still long, and if you live in cold weather climates, the weather often stinks.

            -In the Northern Hemisphere, Spring seems to be a long way off.

            -Any negative changes in your pay start showing up in your paycheck.  If you got a raise, you see how much more in taxes are being taken.

            -The full impact of Obamacare is now in place. 

            -If you are a Republican, you have to endure another State of the Union speech by President Obama.

            -If you are a Democrat, you are now the minority in both houses of Congress.

Feeling depressed yet? And if you are off from work today, you have more time to worry about all of this.  What are some of the solutions offered?  One that many people take is to get high or intoxicated.  One expert I saw on the news suggested eating certain “comfort foods” can raise your mood.  Her best suggestion in my mind was eating chocolate, a no-brainer for lifting my mood.  Many offer any number of medications as a temporary solution. 

Isn’t there an answer that goes deeper, more to the core of who you are?  An answer that would make you less vulnerable to the changing circumstances of life and the date on the calendar?  I want to suggest to you a deeper and more meaningful connection with your Creator.  The Bible presents God as the One who is everywhere present, all powerful, all knowing who created us to be in relationship with Him (see Psalm 139).  And as God, He says that you can have genuine peace and hope through knowing Him (Isaiah 26:3, Jeremiah 29:11).  Jesus Himself offers this promise, Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.  If you want to be able to live in peace regardless of your circumstances, the only way to do this is in connection with God. 

The apostle Paul picks up on this realization and describes the reality of it in his life.  A life, by the way, that was full of terrible circumstances that would depress anyone (see 2 Corinthians 11:22ff.).  He describes this in Phillipians 4:11-13, Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.  I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity.  In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Did you catch what Paul is saying?  He says that he has learned how to be content regardless of his circumstances.  How is that possible?  Paul says it comes through his connection to Christ. 

Feeling depressed?  Looking for an answer that runs deeper and impacts the core of your being?  Do you want to live a Paul did?  Reach out to us and let us help you find the answers God has for you. 

Blessings,

Dr. Paul