Many couples spend a lot of time and money to prepare for, and enjoy, their wedding ceremony and wedding day. And certainly it is a special day for every couple who marries. A time to express their commitment to each other in front of family and friends. A day to celebrate as they begin a new family.
As important as the wedding is, it is only one day. I wish couples would spend more time not just preparing for their wedding, but for their marriage. What do I mean? Getting solid, in-depth, pre-marital counseling. Many churches today require couples to attend at least a couple of sessions with the pastor, on in a group class for larger churches, or with another counselor.
This is a great start, but I encourage all couples to do more than just a couple of sessions with their pastor, or in a group setting. There are a lot of issues and potential problems that can be missed or glossed over in these instances. When you think about the life-long commitment a couple enters into with marriage, it makes sense for them to get to know as much as they can about each other. Having a pastor or counselor to meet with the couple for at least 6 to 8 sessions just with that couple can make a huge difference in helping both the man and the woman enter their marriage with both eyes open about each other.
When I lead a couple in pre-marital counseling, I make sure we discuss the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship, their families of origin and their impact on the marriage, communication, conflict resolution, money, sex, children and parenting, future in-law relationships, personality issues, just to name a few. I also get the couple to commit to being willing to delay or cancel the wedding if at any point either of them have serious questions or concerns about getting married to the other. The hassle and embarassment of delaying or cancelling the wedding are nothing compared to the heart ache of divorce.
In my 25 years of ministry experience, I have found that taking the time, effort, and money to get this kind of counseling makes a big difference in the future success of any marriage.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Living Together Before Marriage = Higher Divorce
This week a new study by the U.S. Center for Disease Control was released which compared couples who lived together before marriage with those who wait until they marry. For the last few decades many people believe that it is better to live together and try things out before making the committment to marriage. This way, you can see how things work out and avoid going through the pain of divorce. But this new study confirms a truth I have counselled and taught for years, that living together before marriage actually decreases the chances of a long marraige. Among women who lived with their first husband before getting married, they had a 61% chance of their marriage lasting 10 years. This compares with a 66% chance for women who did not live with their first husband. This study was based on a survey of men and women for the National Survey of Family Growth.
The study also looked at couples who got engaged before moving in together. The researchers concluded that this step made a big difference in the ultimate success of the couple's marriage. It found that women who were engaged before cohabiting had a 10 percent better chance of having a 10 year marriage, and engaged men had an 18% better chance compared to those who were not engaged before living together.
So the question is, why is it a problem to live together before marriage? The biggest problem comes down to one word, committment. When a man and woman move in together before marriage, it is a conditional arrangement. The idea is that I will stay with you as long as it works for me, and you meet my needs. If things start going bad, "I am outta here." And of course, there is the issue of sex. One of the most popular excuses for living together I hear is, "We need to make sure we are sexually compatible, that we can have a good sex life." I have news for you, this sexual compatiblity idea is one of the biggest jokes out there. You take a man and a woman and put them in bed, and it will happen. God made it that way. Not only that, researchers have consistently demonstrated that couples who live together have a less satisfying sex life than couples who wait to be married. Why? It is the difference between conditional verses unconditional love. When you live together first, it is a conditional committment. When you make the commitment to be married first, you are saying to your partner, "I love you unconditionally, and my commitment to you is not dependent on how you perform in bed." That gives the couple the freedom to enjoy sexual intimacy without the pressure of "if you don't perform, I am outta here."
Studies also show that couples who get married first have less conflict and more agreement on major issues compared to couples who live together first. I submit that the reason for this is again, the unconditional basis of the commitment for the married couple. Their relationship operates with the understanding that if we have a problem, because we are married, we will work it out because we are here to stay. Compare that to the conditional basis of the relationship of the co-habiting couple.
Commitment makes all the difference, as shown in this CDC study. You see it even with couples who get engaged before living together. I would argue that if you really want to give your relationship the absolute best chance to thrive for the long haul, go beyond simply being enaged before you cohabit. Go for the ultimate unconditional expression of love and commitment you can only get through being married before you live together.
Isn't it interesting that CDC spent all of this time, money, and effort to demonstrate something God communicated through Scripture many centuries ago.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
The study also looked at couples who got engaged before moving in together. The researchers concluded that this step made a big difference in the ultimate success of the couple's marriage. It found that women who were engaged before cohabiting had a 10 percent better chance of having a 10 year marriage, and engaged men had an 18% better chance compared to those who were not engaged before living together.
So the question is, why is it a problem to live together before marriage? The biggest problem comes down to one word, committment. When a man and woman move in together before marriage, it is a conditional arrangement. The idea is that I will stay with you as long as it works for me, and you meet my needs. If things start going bad, "I am outta here." And of course, there is the issue of sex. One of the most popular excuses for living together I hear is, "We need to make sure we are sexually compatible, that we can have a good sex life." I have news for you, this sexual compatiblity idea is one of the biggest jokes out there. You take a man and a woman and put them in bed, and it will happen. God made it that way. Not only that, researchers have consistently demonstrated that couples who live together have a less satisfying sex life than couples who wait to be married. Why? It is the difference between conditional verses unconditional love. When you live together first, it is a conditional committment. When you make the commitment to be married first, you are saying to your partner, "I love you unconditionally, and my commitment to you is not dependent on how you perform in bed." That gives the couple the freedom to enjoy sexual intimacy without the pressure of "if you don't perform, I am outta here."
Studies also show that couples who get married first have less conflict and more agreement on major issues compared to couples who live together first. I submit that the reason for this is again, the unconditional basis of the commitment for the married couple. Their relationship operates with the understanding that if we have a problem, because we are married, we will work it out because we are here to stay. Compare that to the conditional basis of the relationship of the co-habiting couple.
Commitment makes all the difference, as shown in this CDC study. You see it even with couples who get engaged before living together. I would argue that if you really want to give your relationship the absolute best chance to thrive for the long haul, go beyond simply being enaged before you cohabit. Go for the ultimate unconditional expression of love and commitment you can only get through being married before you live together.
Isn't it interesting that CDC spent all of this time, money, and effort to demonstrate something God communicated through Scripture many centuries ago.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Confession and Forgiveness
There has been a lot of talk about Tiger Woods and his very public apology. Many pundits have been speculating about his sincerety or lack thereof. I would like to focus on what God has to say about what it means to confess our sin and seek forgiveness. One of the best places to see this is with David in Psalm 51. This psalm was written after David's adulterous relationship with Bathsheba. Here are some of the key elements in his confession of sin. First, he calls it what it is, sin. He uses terms like trangression, evil, iniquity. No beating around the bush, no making excuses, no calling it something that sounds nicer than what it is. David also acknowledges that he not only sinned against Bathsheba and her family, but he sinned against God Himself. And so he appeals to God for mercy, to be cleansed from his sin, to be washed whiter than snow.
One contrast I want to make between David in this psalm, and Tiger Woods in his public apology. Tiger emphasized that he was going to overcome his problems through increasing his personal efforts in the pursuit of Budhism. David emphasizes in Psalm 51 that it is not by his own personal efforts, but it is by the power of God that he can be made whole again, "O God, renew a right spirit within me.... restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit." The other truth we see revealed here is the importance of the heart, which is what makes up all that we are on the inside, our desires, emotions, motivation, hopes, dreams, fears, etc. No amount of human effort can take away the guilt of our sin, and no amount of human effort by itself can overcome sin. David acknowledges this truth by praying to God, "create in me a clean heart, O God, renew a right spirit within me."
As much as Tiger Woods may or may not have been sincere in his apology, sincerety alone does not bring about deliverance from sin. That can only happen as we humble ourselves before the true and living God of the scriptures, who alone has the power to truly forgive sin and make us over as a new creation. As David prays, "The sacrifices of god are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Devlier me from bloodguiltiness, O God. O God of my salvation, and my tounge will sing aloud of your righteouness."
Do you struggle over the guilt of your sin? Have you experienced the blessing of knowing that your sin is forgiven? The only way to know this is to know the God who became man in the person of Jesus, the one who lived the life we can never live to pay a price we can never pay.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
One contrast I want to make between David in this psalm, and Tiger Woods in his public apology. Tiger emphasized that he was going to overcome his problems through increasing his personal efforts in the pursuit of Budhism. David emphasizes in Psalm 51 that it is not by his own personal efforts, but it is by the power of God that he can be made whole again, "O God, renew a right spirit within me.... restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit." The other truth we see revealed here is the importance of the heart, which is what makes up all that we are on the inside, our desires, emotions, motivation, hopes, dreams, fears, etc. No amount of human effort can take away the guilt of our sin, and no amount of human effort by itself can overcome sin. David acknowledges this truth by praying to God, "create in me a clean heart, O God, renew a right spirit within me."
As much as Tiger Woods may or may not have been sincere in his apology, sincerety alone does not bring about deliverance from sin. That can only happen as we humble ourselves before the true and living God of the scriptures, who alone has the power to truly forgive sin and make us over as a new creation. As David prays, "The sacrifices of god are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Devlier me from bloodguiltiness, O God. O God of my salvation, and my tounge will sing aloud of your righteouness."
Do you struggle over the guilt of your sin? Have you experienced the blessing of knowing that your sin is forgiven? The only way to know this is to know the God who became man in the person of Jesus, the one who lived the life we can never live to pay a price we can never pay.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentine's Day
If you listen to the mass media and our culture, the celebration of Valentine's Day is all about candy, flowers, cards, etc. It is about falling in love. I hate that terminology. You fall in ditches, potholes and trenches. When it comes to love, it is all about commitment. You make a choice to love someone, to care, to be vulnerable, to give and give yourself to that person. Certainly there is nothing wrong with romance, it is a lot of fun when you meet the right person, and to sustain the fun and fan the flame of a marriage.
I want to encourage you to think about love not just on Valentine's Day, but throughout the year. The effort and thought you may have put into today to make it special is something that should be an on going effort, something you think about on a regular basis. Marriage, like other important things in life, takes work. In my marraige, when I go on autopilot, when I take it for granted, we quickly begin to drift apart. We get into the rut of going through the motions, conversation is about the functions of our family (who needs to be where and when, what time is dinner, did anyone feed the dog, etc.), and there just isn't the same degree of closeness between us.
I can give you this guarantee, make every day Valentine's Day and you will divorce proof your marriage.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
I want to encourage you to think about love not just on Valentine's Day, but throughout the year. The effort and thought you may have put into today to make it special is something that should be an on going effort, something you think about on a regular basis. Marriage, like other important things in life, takes work. In my marraige, when I go on autopilot, when I take it for granted, we quickly begin to drift apart. We get into the rut of going through the motions, conversation is about the functions of our family (who needs to be where and when, what time is dinner, did anyone feed the dog, etc.), and there just isn't the same degree of closeness between us.
I can give you this guarantee, make every day Valentine's Day and you will divorce proof your marriage.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Sunday, January 24, 2010
How To Resolve Family Conflicts
How can you truly resolve family conflicts? Let's start with your own mindset when it comes to conflict in your family. The first step is realizing that whenever we are talking about people, there is going to be conflict. And the more time you spend around someone, the more potential there is for conflict. The Bible says the reason for this is sin, you are born with a nature that wants to put yourself first. I want what I want, when I want it, and how I want it. Having this mindset will help keep you from turning every conflict into a catastrophy.
The second mindset simply involves wanting to see conflict resolved. Some people seem to thrive on conflict, stirring the pot, always having to win the argument or getting the last word. Along with this can be a reluctance to admit fault or to say "I am sorry." Having a mindset that desires peace and harmony in your family relationships, and being willing to do what it takes to resolve it when it happens will go a long way toward see this goal achieved. Remember, you can't change anyone, but you can change how you respond to conflict.
Let me suggest three practical things you can do to resolve conflicts. The first is to simply forgive the person and move on without making it an issue. Overlooking conflict is different than avoiding conflict. When you avoid conflict, you are pretending that there really isn't a problem, you refuse to deal with it. Overlooking conflict and forgiving involves acknowledging to yourself that the other person did do something to offend or hurt you. But you determine that it is not something serious enough to confront them. So you make a concious decision to overlook it, forgive them, and forget it. You don't dwell on it, stew about it, or let it put distance between you and the other person.
Let's say the offense is not something you can overlook, then you need to go to that person and talk about what took place. I suggest that you avoid using statements that begin with the word "you." When you start by taking about what the other person did, you put them on the defensive right away. Instead, use "I and me" statements and focus on how you were hurt or impacted by what happened. If you know that you did something to contribute to the problem, start by confessing that to the other person and ask for their forgiveness. This will help open the door for the them to also respond with humility and admit their part in the conflict. Let's say you honestly can't think of anything you did to contribute to the conflict, you can still say early in the discussion, "If I did anything to offend you, or contribute to this problem, please tell me so I can seek your forgiveness and help resolve this."
Another way to start the conversation is to talk about how much the person means to you. Let them know that your relationship with them is important to you, you value them, and you want to maintain a healthy family. This will let them know that the conversation really isn't as about "you" or "me", but us. How can "we" move past this and maintain a good relationship.
After you "break the ice" by admitting your part or talking about how important your relationship is to you, talk the specifics of how you viewed what happened and its impact on you. Give them the opportunity to voice their view of things, and seek to find common ground. What are the things you agree on, and verbalize them first. Then talk about where you disagree and seek to find a compromise where possible, and extend forgiveness.
Let's say you try to discuss this, and you still can't get it resolved. A third way to resolve conflict is to contact your pastor, a counselor, or some other neutral third party who has experience working with people to serve as a mediator. This person will hear both sides and offer suggestions and ideas on how to work out the problem. Do this before things build up over time and cause bitterness and you and the other person digging in for a long battle of attrition and trench warfare. This will bring nothing but further pain, heartache, and a greater division in your family.
For more information on how to resolve conflict, I recommend you consult Peace Maker ministries, and the books on Peace Making by Ken Sande. There you will find a wealth of information.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
The second mindset simply involves wanting to see conflict resolved. Some people seem to thrive on conflict, stirring the pot, always having to win the argument or getting the last word. Along with this can be a reluctance to admit fault or to say "I am sorry." Having a mindset that desires peace and harmony in your family relationships, and being willing to do what it takes to resolve it when it happens will go a long way toward see this goal achieved. Remember, you can't change anyone, but you can change how you respond to conflict.
Let me suggest three practical things you can do to resolve conflicts. The first is to simply forgive the person and move on without making it an issue. Overlooking conflict is different than avoiding conflict. When you avoid conflict, you are pretending that there really isn't a problem, you refuse to deal with it. Overlooking conflict and forgiving involves acknowledging to yourself that the other person did do something to offend or hurt you. But you determine that it is not something serious enough to confront them. So you make a concious decision to overlook it, forgive them, and forget it. You don't dwell on it, stew about it, or let it put distance between you and the other person.
Let's say the offense is not something you can overlook, then you need to go to that person and talk about what took place. I suggest that you avoid using statements that begin with the word "you." When you start by taking about what the other person did, you put them on the defensive right away. Instead, use "I and me" statements and focus on how you were hurt or impacted by what happened. If you know that you did something to contribute to the problem, start by confessing that to the other person and ask for their forgiveness. This will help open the door for the them to also respond with humility and admit their part in the conflict. Let's say you honestly can't think of anything you did to contribute to the conflict, you can still say early in the discussion, "If I did anything to offend you, or contribute to this problem, please tell me so I can seek your forgiveness and help resolve this."
Another way to start the conversation is to talk about how much the person means to you. Let them know that your relationship with them is important to you, you value them, and you want to maintain a healthy family. This will let them know that the conversation really isn't as about "you" or "me", but us. How can "we" move past this and maintain a good relationship.
After you "break the ice" by admitting your part or talking about how important your relationship is to you, talk the specifics of how you viewed what happened and its impact on you. Give them the opportunity to voice their view of things, and seek to find common ground. What are the things you agree on, and verbalize them first. Then talk about where you disagree and seek to find a compromise where possible, and extend forgiveness.
Let's say you try to discuss this, and you still can't get it resolved. A third way to resolve conflict is to contact your pastor, a counselor, or some other neutral third party who has experience working with people to serve as a mediator. This person will hear both sides and offer suggestions and ideas on how to work out the problem. Do this before things build up over time and cause bitterness and you and the other person digging in for a long battle of attrition and trench warfare. This will bring nothing but further pain, heartache, and a greater division in your family.
For more information on how to resolve conflict, I recommend you consult Peace Maker ministries, and the books on Peace Making by Ken Sande. There you will find a wealth of information.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
How Not to Resolve Family Conflict
Conflict in your immediate family can be so disheartening. When it involves your in-laws, it not only impacts your relationship with them, but often puts a strain on your relationship with your spouse. Unresolved, it can lead to family members being forced to take sides, battles over children and grandchildren spending time with parents or grandparents, even law suits. So how do we resolve conflict, especially in your immediate family?
Today I want to talk first about some ways people don't resolve it. One response to conflict is to run. Escaping from conflict can involves removing yourself from the person or situation. Now there may be times when it is a good idea to withdraw, temporarily, from the conflict, especially when tempers are flaring, insults are flying, and you need to calm your emotions, seek counsel, or get your thoughts together. But in most cases, running from conflict puts off a genuine resolution to the problem. Having the conflict hang over you can keep you on edge, cause you to stew over the problem, and can devolve into bitterness.
Another common response that doesn't work is to pretend that there isn't a problem. "Conflict, what conflict, there's no conflict." Acting like there isn't a problem when one really exists is no better than the story of the emperor's new clothes. The problem becomes the elephant in the room that no one has the courage to talk about.
On the other extreme, there are times when instead of running away from the conflict, you arm yourself for battle and take on the other party with guns blazing. This means winning the argument at all costs by seeing the other person as your opponent and using verbal attacks such as yelling, insulting your opponent, or even resorting to physical violence.
Another form of this is not as direct, but is just as hurful and can be very insidious. This is when the person resorts to passive-aggressive responses. You don't attack the person directly, but you ignore them, give them the silent treatment, fail to support the person in other situations, and simply look for ways to make life more difficult for the person you consider to be your opponent.
So take a moment to look in the mirror and honestly ask yourself, "Am I guilty of any of these repsonses?" How have I contributed to the conflict? Have I done anything in my words, attitudes, or actions to make the problem worse? As Jesus tells us in the Gospels, before you can take the speck out of the other person's eye, take the log out of your own eye.
Next post I will share some ways that you can actually resolve the conflict and bring about true reconciliation and healing in your family.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Today I want to talk first about some ways people don't resolve it. One response to conflict is to run. Escaping from conflict can involves removing yourself from the person or situation. Now there may be times when it is a good idea to withdraw, temporarily, from the conflict, especially when tempers are flaring, insults are flying, and you need to calm your emotions, seek counsel, or get your thoughts together. But in most cases, running from conflict puts off a genuine resolution to the problem. Having the conflict hang over you can keep you on edge, cause you to stew over the problem, and can devolve into bitterness.
Another common response that doesn't work is to pretend that there isn't a problem. "Conflict, what conflict, there's no conflict." Acting like there isn't a problem when one really exists is no better than the story of the emperor's new clothes. The problem becomes the elephant in the room that no one has the courage to talk about.
On the other extreme, there are times when instead of running away from the conflict, you arm yourself for battle and take on the other party with guns blazing. This means winning the argument at all costs by seeing the other person as your opponent and using verbal attacks such as yelling, insulting your opponent, or even resorting to physical violence.
Another form of this is not as direct, but is just as hurful and can be very insidious. This is when the person resorts to passive-aggressive responses. You don't attack the person directly, but you ignore them, give them the silent treatment, fail to support the person in other situations, and simply look for ways to make life more difficult for the person you consider to be your opponent.
So take a moment to look in the mirror and honestly ask yourself, "Am I guilty of any of these repsonses?" How have I contributed to the conflict? Have I done anything in my words, attitudes, or actions to make the problem worse? As Jesus tells us in the Gospels, before you can take the speck out of the other person's eye, take the log out of your own eye.
Next post I will share some ways that you can actually resolve the conflict and bring about true reconciliation and healing in your family.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Family Christmas Conflict
If you are like most people, having the extended family around during the holidays does not bring joy, peace, and goodwill toward men. Why do we seem to have more conflict around the holidays? Here are some thoughts about why the Christmas season can be a nightmare. Certainly the increase in activities and the running around adds stress to everyone's life. And then you are spending time with relatives who normally don't spend as much time with. They are hanging around your family room, going in your refrigerator, using your bathroom, messing with your TV remote!
Add to this that many people, especially women, go into the holiday season with a higher ideal of what they want the family to be (for us men, we often just bounce from one thing to the next, just tell us where we need to be and when). And when it doesn't meet that ideal, we get upset, down, and look for someone to blame (I can't believe how your parents acted, your family gave the dumbest gifts, can't they ever be on time for anything........). Just spending more time around family members you may not see as much the rest of the year can be a breeding ground for conflict. Conflicting ideas about how the holiday time should be spent (why do we have to go to church again), who spend should spend it with who (what do you mean, you aren't having Christmas dinner with us!), how much money family members spend on each other, these are just some of the flash points.
I think a lot of this has to do with underlying expectations that you and your family members can have. These expectations are often unspoken, but drive the conflict you see on the surface. These expectations can be based on value and importance you place on spending time together or apart, how we should worship, how strongly family boundaries should be respected or crossed, how you handle the kids compared to others in your family, the role of alcohol, just to name a few.
Let's zero in on the relationships that tend to bring the most conflict. When I was in graduate school, my professor for Marriage and Family Counseling often talked about the "Big 3" of marriage conflict, money, sex, and kids. After 25 years of counseling, I would like to add a fourth, IN-LAWS. Dealing with the extended family is another source of difficulty. It is interesting to me that studies of newlyweds, "middlyweds," and "oldlyweds" all state that dealing with in-laws and extended family are a source of frustration and conflict. The in-law relationship that tends to bring the most conflict is the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship. Father-in-law, son-in-law can also create problems, but often ranks second. Again, I think it has to do with the ideals women place on the holidays, but also how time is spent preparing for the holiday time, or being in the kitchen together. Lots of opportunity (remember Mary and Martha going at it, Luke 10:38-42?) for sniping and griping (the guys are probably falling asleep watching football together, another issue to be dealt with!).
From the perspective of the parents/grandparents, after years of having your children be with you, doing what you want, now you have to let them go, establish their own identity, and decide how they want to spend the holiday. That isn't easy! You and your spouse have always done it a certain way, and now a new son or daughter-in-law brings a whole new set of ideas and expectations into the picture. Even if your children are not married, when they get into the teen years, they want to enjoy the traditions you have, but they also desire to be with their peers. This often means negotiating how they spend their time with friends verses you, the parents.
So after all of this, do we give up on celebrating Christmas? No, we just need to recognize that all of us are broken, flawed people. If everyone would simply do what I think they should do, when I think they should do it, and I think it should be done, the world would be a better place! The Bible is clear that we should expect conflict (Matthew 5:23-24, Ephesians 4:26, James 4:1-10). It is the inevitable result of sinful people being around each other. Conflict is found in every relationship, so how do we resolve these conflicts? I will share some suggestions in my next blog. And if you have a good story of extended family being together for the holidays, or a horror story, send it to me at drpaul@insightcounsel.org.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Add to this that many people, especially women, go into the holiday season with a higher ideal of what they want the family to be (for us men, we often just bounce from one thing to the next, just tell us where we need to be and when). And when it doesn't meet that ideal, we get upset, down, and look for someone to blame (I can't believe how your parents acted, your family gave the dumbest gifts, can't they ever be on time for anything........). Just spending more time around family members you may not see as much the rest of the year can be a breeding ground for conflict. Conflicting ideas about how the holiday time should be spent (why do we have to go to church again), who spend should spend it with who (what do you mean, you aren't having Christmas dinner with us!), how much money family members spend on each other, these are just some of the flash points.
I think a lot of this has to do with underlying expectations that you and your family members can have. These expectations are often unspoken, but drive the conflict you see on the surface. These expectations can be based on value and importance you place on spending time together or apart, how we should worship, how strongly family boundaries should be respected or crossed, how you handle the kids compared to others in your family, the role of alcohol, just to name a few.
Let's zero in on the relationships that tend to bring the most conflict. When I was in graduate school, my professor for Marriage and Family Counseling often talked about the "Big 3" of marriage conflict, money, sex, and kids. After 25 years of counseling, I would like to add a fourth, IN-LAWS. Dealing with the extended family is another source of difficulty. It is interesting to me that studies of newlyweds, "middlyweds," and "oldlyweds" all state that dealing with in-laws and extended family are a source of frustration and conflict. The in-law relationship that tends to bring the most conflict is the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship. Father-in-law, son-in-law can also create problems, but often ranks second. Again, I think it has to do with the ideals women place on the holidays, but also how time is spent preparing for the holiday time, or being in the kitchen together. Lots of opportunity (remember Mary and Martha going at it, Luke 10:38-42?) for sniping and griping (the guys are probably falling asleep watching football together, another issue to be dealt with!).
From the perspective of the parents/grandparents, after years of having your children be with you, doing what you want, now you have to let them go, establish their own identity, and decide how they want to spend the holiday. That isn't easy! You and your spouse have always done it a certain way, and now a new son or daughter-in-law brings a whole new set of ideas and expectations into the picture. Even if your children are not married, when they get into the teen years, they want to enjoy the traditions you have, but they also desire to be with their peers. This often means negotiating how they spend their time with friends verses you, the parents.
So after all of this, do we give up on celebrating Christmas? No, we just need to recognize that all of us are broken, flawed people. If everyone would simply do what I think they should do, when I think they should do it, and I think it should be done, the world would be a better place! The Bible is clear that we should expect conflict (Matthew 5:23-24, Ephesians 4:26, James 4:1-10). It is the inevitable result of sinful people being around each other. Conflict is found in every relationship, so how do we resolve these conflicts? I will share some suggestions in my next blog. And if you have a good story of extended family being together for the holidays, or a horror story, send it to me at drpaul@insightcounsel.org.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
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