Helicopter Parenting in Overdrive

     One of the parenting concerns I have that not many counselors seem to be addressing today is parents, educators, and politicians who are over-protective of children.  Certainly we need to exercise prudence and discretion, but more and more I see examples of overprotection in overdrive.  Recently a city banned sledding, schools suspending children for playing with objects that could be construed as a gun, children being banned from bringing in cupcakes or other goodies to school celebrate a birthday, a group of advocates pushing an initiative to teach kindergarten children about rape, and I could go on and on.  But recently I read an example that takes this to an even newer level of absurdity.  A Denver, Colorado couple have made the decision to move to where their daughter is attending college in Portland, Oregon and have her live with them in an off-campus apartment.  Now I lived at home while I attended Temple University to save money, but that was my choice, and my parents had no problem with me going away to school.  Here we have parents actually moving to where their child is going to school.  

     According to real estate agents and college admissions officials, there is actually a growing trend of parents choosing to move to where their child is going to college.  A Caldwell Banker realtor in Tennesee just helped a family move across the state to keep their daughter safe and on task while at school.  Next year, the young lady in Portland is considering a semester studying abroad.  And guess who is thinking of coming with her?  I just hope that her wedding night isn't too awkward!  

     Here are some of the problems I have with helicopter parenting.  First, where is trust in God's hand of protection for your child and His role in their life?  Second, do you have so little faith in the teaching and modeling you did in their formative years that it is all going to evaporate once they go away?  Third, how will your adult children learn how to cope with life on their own?   Fourth, children need to learn how to fail, how to lose, and how to get hurt.  Otherwise they will never learn how to rebound from these as independent adults.  

     I remember working with a family years ago who was having a lot of trouble with their teenage son.  His grades were dropping, he was sneaking out of the house, getting into a ton of trouble.  Every night his father would make him sit at the table and watch him do his homework.  When meeting with the son, it was clear to me that part of the problem was with his controlling, over-protective, smothering parents.  I met with Mom and Dad and suggested they back off, let him sink or swim on his own with his grades.  He was perfectly capable of getting A's again, and then I said to dad, "What are you going to do if he gets into college, move your business office into his dorm?" Apparently today that is not as crazy as I thought it once was.  By the way, the parents backed off on his school work, and after working with some heart issues in the young man's life, his grades went back up.  

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

Relationship Resolution for a New Year

So as we bring 2014 to a close, have you made any resolutions for the New Year?  Eat better, exercise, quit smoking, get out of debt, get back to church are a few that I have heard.  I'd like to encourage you to think about the important relationships in your life and what you can do make that relationship a higher priority in 2015. Your spouse, your children, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your fiance.  It is so easy to take that relationship for granted and be complacent about it.

Here are some ideas to consider to make that relationship stronger.  Pray for your relationship, and also pray for that person regularly. Make it a priority to spend more meaningful time together.  That may mean giving something up to carve out more time for that.  Ask him/her what you can do to improve the relationship.  You may be surprised at what you hear!  Think of what you can do or say to encourage them with what is important in their life, their schooling, their work, and important goal they are seeking to achieve, etc.  

There are lots of practical things you can do, what matters most is deciding that the relationship is important enough to give it your time, attention and effort.  If there is one thing I have learned in 30 years of marriage, ministry, and marriage counseling, it is this:  marriage takes work, it doesn't just happen.  And this is true of any significant relationship in your life.  How much effort will give it in 2015?

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

The Thin Blue Line

Last night I heard the news that two NYPD officers were assassinated in their patrol car by a lone gunman who later committed suicide.  After all of the protests and negative press about the two grand jury decisions, it was only a matter of time before something like this would happen.  Last week a comic in a local paper featured a group of black children asking Santa to protect them from the police.  Serving as a police chaplain, and having counseled and ministered to many police officers over the years, I see what these men and women have to deal with.  Most people have no clue, and yet so many are so quick criticize.  In one city, a councilman actually wants to have a policy where police officers will not be permitted to drawl their weapon or shoot until a criminal shoots at the officer first.  As I thought about the murder of these two officers in light of a local protest that took place, I was moved write the following Facebook post.  

Praying for the families of NYPD officers Liu and Ramos, and their colleagues. A striking contrast comes to my mind. This morning channel 6 featured the latest "die in" out on the main line, this afternoon two NYPD officers died in their patrol car. The first group have nothing to fear if they stay within the law, the second gave their lives enforcing the law. The first group had their right to free speech protected by the very people they are protesting, the second have their voices silenced, never to be heard again. The first gets to go home, the second to a funeral home. For the first it will be just another Christmas, for the second, there will be no more Christmas. For the families of the first, there was celebrating and high fives that they got their minute on the news, for the families of the second, there was shock and tears and grief at the news given by a commander and a chaplain. I don't begrudge the first group, but when I see the sacrifice of the second, it reminds me how much we all need to appreciate those who put the uniform on and put their lives on the line.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Remembering Dad

Today is a bittersweet day for me as it is the second anniversary of his passing.  I am grateful for his legacy of faith and that he is with the Lord.  But I miss him, and spent some extra time with Mom today who said to me, "They say the first year is the worst, but that isn't true.  I think about him every day."  Its funny to me the different things that get me thinking about him.  When I use a certain tool or piece of equipment that was his.  When I drive past St. Joseph's Manor where he spent the last couple months of his life, or the old neighborhood.  When I see a schnauzer dog like he used to have.  A favorite movie of his, or going to the range and shooting with one of his guns.  Some of these bring a smile, and some bring a tear.

The holidays meant a lot to my dad and are always a time to remember him.  This Christmas will be the first time we go to Mom's and it isn't in their home now that she has moved to her apartment.  But we will still be thinking of him.  This will be his third Christmas with the Lord, and I can't imagine what it is like to be worshipping there.  And that is the ultimate comfort for me.  He is truly home, and is no longer frustrated by a body that was wearing out and letting him down.

Everyone experiences grief and loss differently.  I am not suggesting that my experience is the way that you must or should deal with it.  But thankfully for the Christ follower, death is not the final chapter, the end of the story.  It is a transition, from this life of sin and sorrow, to life eternal with our creator.  As Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 15, O death where is your victory, O grave, where is your sting.  Thanks be to God who gives us the victory through out Lord Jesus Christ.

Be hopeful, be hopeful in this season of Christmas, as we celebrate the one who was born to die that we might have this victory.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

The Newest Technology to Control Your Children

The other day I saw a commercial for a new way to deal with your unruly, defiant child.  The little boy in the commercial talks about how destructive he can be around the house and demonstrates it by breaking things, pouring out a container of milk on the floor, etc., just because he feels like doing it.  He says he has to behave better now.  Why?  Did Mom and Dad have a talk with him about his behavior and their plan to deal with it?  Or did they consult with a counselor, their pediatrician, their pastor, or some other trusted person?  No, instead they bought a set of "Dropcams."  A Dropcam is a small, digital camera you can place in various locations around your home to keep an eye on what's happening live or by recording the activity.  The little boy says that since the cameras have been installed, his behavior is so much better.  
There is nothing new installing cameras around your home to protect yourself from theft or vandalism.  And the "Nanny Cams" have been around for quite a while now to keep an eye on the babysitter.  But the thrust of this commercial is different. It's about spying on your child as a means to change his or her bad behavior.  My initial reaction was, "whatever happened to developing your child's character?  Or reaching your child at his or her heart level so that they will learn self-control even when you are not present.  Or how about simple trust between you and your children?"  I find this troubling on so many levels.  A child needs meaningful time spent with Mom and Dad, not a camera looking over their shoulder.  My wife and I had a very effective tool for knowing when the kids were getting into trouble, silence.  Whenever it got quiet in our home, we knew that one or more of them were up to no good, and so we would check on what was going on.  Sure enough, our parental radar was right on target!  Technology can be very beneficial, and can make our lives easier.  But there is no technology that can or should replace meaningful relationships between parents and their kids.  

So what do you think?  Is this the solution to correcting disobedient children? 

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

The Number One Reason Couples Stay Happily Married

Do you know what couples who are happily married say is the number one reason why?  It isn't that they have a lot of money, they live in a big house, have great sex, live far away from their in-laws, have  well behaved children, are highly educated, or belong to a country club.  So what is the number one reason?  A number of surveys have been conducted of couples who are happily married.  It does not marry if they are newly weds, midly webs, or oldly weds. Happily married couples all say the same thing.

The number one answer is "my spouse is my best friend."   Take a minute and think about that means.  What does it take to be a best friend?  A best friend is someone you trust, you can tell them anything and everything.  A best friend is someone you spend time with.  You have fun together. You care for each other, in good times and bad.  You work together and have each other's back.  Qualities like loyalty, honesty, faithfulness, goodness, helpfulness, also come to mind.

So what comes to your mind when you think about what it means to be a best friend?  Now take that and make it happen in your marriage!

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Seeing as Jesus Saw

One of the ways I minister in my community is to serve as a police chaplain for the Upper Southampton Police Department.  They call upon me to help with needy people in the community, difficult calls involving death, suicide, serious injury, house fires or serious car accidents.  I also build relationships with them through ride-alongs or other events.  Ride-alongs also give me a unique perspective on the community and what the officers deal with on a daily basis.
A while back one of the officers asked me, "So why do you do this?"  My answer was that I believe if Jesus were on the earth today he would spend time riding in police cars and hanging out with cops."  "Really, how's that chaplain?" "Well, the first non-Jewish person converted to Christianity was a cop, and the Bible also says that Jesus was moved with compassion as he ministered to people because He saw them as distressed, downcast, and like sheep in need of a shepherd.  Seems to me that is a good description of many of the people you deal with daily."
As a pastor and counselor, I could spend my entire day in the office with people who are already Christ followers.  As nice and comfy as that might be, it prevents me from being salt and light in a world that needs to know the love of God.  How can I be salt and light?  By getting out of my office and spending time with people who are hurting.
How are you being salt and light?  How do you see people, the person across the hall, the family next door, the people in the next cubicle at work, the students who sit next to you in class?  My prayer is that I would see people as Jesus sees them, and do as He did.  What about you?  How are you making a difference?
Blessings,
Dr. Paul