Blue Monday

You may not realize it, but the Monday after New Year's is considered to be the most depressing day of the year.  Experts call today "Blue Monday."  So how are you feeling today?  For me, I am the same today as any other day.  But let me give you some reasons why this day is so depressing for many people.  The holidays are finally over, and for those who look forward to Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannukah, and the New Year, there is nothing left to look forward to.  Maybe Valentine's Day, but only if you have a sweetheart.  And since the holidays are over, everyone is back to work today, so people who hate their jobs are not happy.  And speaking of jobs, I just got my first W-2 form today, reminding me that tax day cometh.  Add to this the fact that the bills for what people spend over Christmas are now arriving.  Lots of people make New Year resolutions, and many people have already broken them by today.  The weather normally stinks in the Northern Hemisphere, and it sure does where I live (Philly).  Speaking of Philly, our beloved Eagles lost by just 2 points to the Saints on Saturday night, and the Phillies better make some moves or it will not be a great season (plus the Flyers and Sixers stink).  Feeling depressed yet? 
Today is reputed to be the day when more people file for divorce than any other day of the year.  Why is that?  As a marriage and family counselor, I can give you answer.  If you marriage is unstable and has serious unresolved problems, when you get to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year, these holidays, where you spend even more time with the person you now dislike, now exacerbate the tension and frustration you feel.  So after debating and agonizing over filing or not filing, and hoping each next holiday will be better, you call the lawyer today on Blue Monday. 
So how do you avoid feeling down on Blue Monday (beside reading this depressing blog post)?  I would like to suggest that part of it has to do with your attitude toward life and the changing circumstances we all face.  If your happiness is tied to the things of this world outside of yourself, your job, your income, your success, your spouse, your kids, etc., then as any of those things gets better or worse, so does your sense of happiness.  Many centuries ago the apostle Paul wrote about how to break away from having your happiness tied to the things happening around you:  I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.   I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:11-13). 
Paul's contentment is not based on his circumstances, or his inner greatness, it is based on his faith in Christ, and the difference He makes in changing our attitude on life and the changing circumstances we face.  In my next post I will expand on just how this takes place.  Don't worry, be happy!
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Happy New Year!

As we ring in the New Year, I hope you will take a few minutes to think about whatever blessings you may have, especially the people God has placed in your life.  Take some time tomorrow to tell the people who mean so much to you that you love and appreciate them.  If there is someone you need to forgive, do it, and let them know that you forgive them.  Don't let another day, week, month, or year go by without taking this step.  This is the perfect time to let go of past hurts and forgive.
Time passes by so quickly.  The Bible says our lives are like a shadow (1 Chronicles 29:15) or as James 4:14 states, "What is your life?  For yo are a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes." Make every day count with the people who matter most, your family.  And live on the basis of grace, God's grace.  Jay Adams wrote a book entitled Christian Living in the Home.  In it he talks about the challenges of marriage and family, and how far it is from an ideal place where peace and harmony are always found.  Instead, he says that there is one thing you can say about the Christian home and it is this, "Sinners live there."
I wish you and the people who matter to you a blessed New Year based on the love and grace of God, who loves us with an everlasting love.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Affluenza: Are You Kidding Me?

Have you heard the latest insanity from our courts?  This example comes from the case of Ethan Couch, a 16 year old who killed four people and injured two others while driving drunk.  He had three times the legal limit of alcohol in his blood (of course, as a minor, any amount of alcohol is illegal.  He also had two other drugs in his system.  He was driving a pick up truck owned by his dad's company with stolen beer in it, and when his companions asked him to slow down, he sped up.  Certainly seems like some serious justice and punishment should be handed down, don't you think?  The prosecutor felt that 20 years in jail would be an appropriate sentence.  How about you?  Instead, Tarrant County Judge Jean Boyd sentenced him to no jail time, 10 years of probation and time in a longer term treatment facility.  The facility costs $450,000 per year, to be paid by the young man's wealthy parents.  It offers a number of amenities, including equine therapy and organic foods.  How does a judge come up with a sentence like this?
Well, this young man has parents with money, and they paid for a premier defense team. The team paid for a psychologist, Gary Miller, who testified that this poor kid suffered from "affluenza."  He said that his well to do parents gave their son whatever he wanted, including "freedoms no young person should have."  Are you kidding me?  Really, REALLY, affluenza!  Hey, at least this psychologist has guts.  But where is the head of this judge.  How could any judge look at the loved ones of those family members killed and hurt and say that justice is being served with a sentence like this?
Even if you buy this idea of affluenza being a reality, it doesn't hold any water in a criminal case like this.  First, just because his parents supposedly gave him no consequences for his bad behavior, there are plenty of other places, like school, where a child can learn there are consequences for bad behavior. Second, the judge is doing exactly what this psychologists is saying his parents did, give him no meaningful consequences for his now deadly behavior.
But we can all learn from this case in spite of the obvious insanity displayed by this judge.  Parents need to enforce consequences for the good and bad behavior of their children.  And the sooner the better.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

The Family That Stays Together…..

The Family Research Council just published a new study on the impact of married couples who stay together compared to couples who divorce.  The study found that a married couple's decision to stay together is more influential in lowering the number of teenage out-of-wedlock births, unemployment in fathers, and the number of Americans on welfare than any other factor.  Researchers found that family cohesion is the main factor in determining whether a child will graduate from high school, families avoiding the need for welfare, and the rate of employment among young men.
This is interesting news in light of the popular notion that if a couple is having problems in their marriage, it is better for them to divorce than to expose the kids to ongoing conflict. In fact this study is just the latest addition to the wealth of research demonstrating that unless there is physical abuse, sexual abuse, or drug use, it is better for the couple to stay together, seek counseling, and not give up on the marriage.  Kids need a mom and a dad, and they need to see them work out their problems, even when there is serious disagreement and disfunction.  By every measure, kids always are better off when their parents stay together.  Don't believe it?  Ask some children and adults you know whose parents split up.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Holiday Insanity

What happened to Thanksgiving with your family?  What happened to being content with what you have?  What happened to being polite?  It seems to me we have definitely lost our way this Thanksgiving.  Stores are now opening on Thanksgiving day and evening as a way to lure shoppers in and boost sales.  Great for the store, not great for the employees, and I would argue, not worth it for customers.  Is it really worth sacrificing precious time with family just to get the 50 inch, non-name brand TV on a super sale?  If you think it is, that's your choice, but what about the people forced to sacrifice their family time so that you can get your bargain?  We live in a society where people are increasingly disconnected to their family, their neighbors, and to meaningful relationships.
Then there is all of the goodwill expressed by some people as they compete to get the prized bargain.  I watched news reports of people who seem to have lost their mind so they don't lose their chance at getting what they think they must have.  A bunch of people fighting in a Walmart leading to one woman fighting the police and being arrested, all on video.  A store worker trampled in a K-Mart.  Our local Franklin Mills Mall featured to women fighting and one pulling a taizer on the other.  It was a WWE level brawl.  My favorite is the story out of Georgia of two men fighting over a parking spot, one man hitting the other, and the guy getting hit pulling a knife and stabbing his assailant.  Both men are now in jail.  Happy Thanksgiving fellows!
Is this really worth it?  Can't we make the decision to put family first?  Do you need whatever it is so bad that you are willing to go to jail over it?  For what its worth, I made the decision to not patronize any store open on Thanksgiving this week.  I hope more people will chose to do the same.  But more important, I hope you will think about the value of relationships over stuff, even stuff on sale.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Who's To Blame for the Problems in Your Marriage?

Take a moment and think about whatever problems and frustrations you have in your marriage.  Who's to blame for these problems?  What got me thinking about this was a recent quote from Tim Keller, "Marriage does not so much bring you into confrontation with your spouse as confront you with yourself."  I love this!  Most of the time when couples come to see me for counseling, the focus is on the deficits and failures of the other spouse.  "He/she doesn't listen, he/she doesn't meet my need for _________________, if only he/she would do _____________ our marriage would be so much better, etc.  What I love about Keller's quote is how it stops this in its tracks and forces you think about your entire approach to the problems in your marriage.  Instead of putting the focus on what your spouse is doing or not doing, the focus is put on what actions and attitudes you need to deal with in your own heart and life. 
People in counseling often ask me,  "Why is it so difficult to get along with my spouse?  How come I can get along with others easier than my spouse?"  Let me say first that it is not an issue of mutual compatibility.  I can prove that by the people I have counseled who are in their second marriage.  Unless we are dealing with issues of physical abuse or substance abuse by their spouse, they admit that the struggles they had in their prior marriage they are having in their current marriage.  I would suggest to you that there are two main reasons why it is harder to get along with the person you married.  First of all, you are sharing your life with this person and there is no pay check hanging over you to keep you in line. You can be fired at work for losing it, but not at home.  Second, as the Keller quote suggests, the struggles you have with your spouse bring out the issues you have to address in your own heart more than anyone else.  Your anger, laziness, self-centeredness, impatience, etc. are all exposed more in your marriage than in any other relationship.  To reference another favorite author, Gary Thomas, God designed marriage more to make us holy than to make us happy. God wants to produce the fruits of the Spirit in your life, which are described in Galations 5:22-23 as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.  How about that as a list of qualities to have in your life?  Guess what one of the primary places where God is at work to produce those fruits and to see them evident?  Yep, in your marriage and in your home.  If you are having a hard time with your spouse right now, take the focus off of him/her, and put it on yourself and ask God to show you how He is trying to confront you with yourself.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Dad's Do Make a Difference

Recently two professions journals published information regarding the difference fathers make in the lives of their children.  Personality and Social Psychology Review published the results of a meta-analysis of several decades of parenting studies.  One interesting finding was how much a father means to his children.  Kids who feel rejected by their fathers show higher rates of behavioral problems, delinquency, depression, and substance abuse more that those who feel rejected by their mothers. While rejection by a mother has negative consequences for a child, the degree of negative consequences for fathers is greater.  The Journal of Early Adolescence published a study suggesting children whose fathers use an authoritative parenting style show more persistence than other children, regardless of the mother's parenting style.  Persistence in these children was linked to lower rates of delinquency and greater involvement in school. 
Dads, don't be too quick to think less of your role in parenting.  Maybe you need to rethink your pursuit of divorce, or how much time you spend working compared to the time you spend with each of your kids, or exercising more loving authority in the lives of your children.  If you have been nothing more than an impregnator of women, maybe you need to connect with the children you have abandoned.  Ladies, maybe you need to rethink your pursuit of divorce, or encourage your husband in his role as a parent.  Single ladies, maybe before you allow a guy to be intimate with you, you need to insist on a commitment in marriage.   And maybe we need as a society need to rethink the ways we have been changing the definition of family in recent years. 
Blessings,
Dr. Paul