Who's To Blame for the Problems in Your Marriage?

Take a moment and think about whatever problems and frustrations you have in your marriage.  Who's to blame for these problems?  What got me thinking about this was a recent quote from Tim Keller, "Marriage does not so much bring you into confrontation with your spouse as confront you with yourself."  I love this!  Most of the time when couples come to see me for counseling, the focus is on the deficits and failures of the other spouse.  "He/she doesn't listen, he/she doesn't meet my need for _________________, if only he/she would do _____________ our marriage would be so much better, etc.  What I love about Keller's quote is how it stops this in its tracks and forces you think about your entire approach to the problems in your marriage.  Instead of putting the focus on what your spouse is doing or not doing, the focus is put on what actions and attitudes you need to deal with in your own heart and life. 
People in counseling often ask me,  "Why is it so difficult to get along with my spouse?  How come I can get along with others easier than my spouse?"  Let me say first that it is not an issue of mutual compatibility.  I can prove that by the people I have counseled who are in their second marriage.  Unless we are dealing with issues of physical abuse or substance abuse by their spouse, they admit that the struggles they had in their prior marriage they are having in their current marriage.  I would suggest to you that there are two main reasons why it is harder to get along with the person you married.  First of all, you are sharing your life with this person and there is no pay check hanging over you to keep you in line. You can be fired at work for losing it, but not at home.  Second, as the Keller quote suggests, the struggles you have with your spouse bring out the issues you have to address in your own heart more than anyone else.  Your anger, laziness, self-centeredness, impatience, etc. are all exposed more in your marriage than in any other relationship.  To reference another favorite author, Gary Thomas, God designed marriage more to make us holy than to make us happy. God wants to produce the fruits of the Spirit in your life, which are described in Galations 5:22-23 as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.  How about that as a list of qualities to have in your life?  Guess what one of the primary places where God is at work to produce those fruits and to see them evident?  Yep, in your marriage and in your home.  If you are having a hard time with your spouse right now, take the focus off of him/her, and put it on yourself and ask God to show you how He is trying to confront you with yourself.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Dad's Do Make a Difference

Recently two professions journals published information regarding the difference fathers make in the lives of their children.  Personality and Social Psychology Review published the results of a meta-analysis of several decades of parenting studies.  One interesting finding was how much a father means to his children.  Kids who feel rejected by their fathers show higher rates of behavioral problems, delinquency, depression, and substance abuse more that those who feel rejected by their mothers. While rejection by a mother has negative consequences for a child, the degree of negative consequences for fathers is greater.  The Journal of Early Adolescence published a study suggesting children whose fathers use an authoritative parenting style show more persistence than other children, regardless of the mother's parenting style.  Persistence in these children was linked to lower rates of delinquency and greater involvement in school. 
Dads, don't be too quick to think less of your role in parenting.  Maybe you need to rethink your pursuit of divorce, or how much time you spend working compared to the time you spend with each of your kids, or exercising more loving authority in the lives of your children.  If you have been nothing more than an impregnator of women, maybe you need to connect with the children you have abandoned.  Ladies, maybe you need to rethink your pursuit of divorce, or encourage your husband in his role as a parent.  Single ladies, maybe before you allow a guy to be intimate with you, you need to insist on a commitment in marriage.   And maybe we need as a society need to rethink the ways we have been changing the definition of family in recent years. 
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Don't Give Up the Ship!

I have a coffee mug on my desk that I purchased when I was in Erie, PA a couple of years ago that reads, "Don't give up the ship."  The quote is from the battle flag on the USS Niagara in the Battle of Lake Erie. The words are actually the dying command of James Lawrence aboard the USS Chesapeake in a previous battle that year and placed on that battle flag by Commodore Matthew Perry who was in command of the USS Niagara.  I have this mug on my desk to encourage people to fight for their marriage or not give up in whatever personal problems they face.
I recently came across a modern day example of this in a real life story, of all places, out of Hollywood.    Mark Wahlberg recently received his high-school diploma after going back to school through an on-line study program for people who dropped out and want to finish their education.  He also just started a charitable organization to help adults finish their high school education over the internet.  Here is Mark's message, "To those student struggling every day and, most importantly, tho those who are looking for a second chance, I have a message for you: Never give up."
This can-do, never say die attitude is something I love.  And is something I see throughout the pages of the Bible.  You see it in the lives of men like Abraham, Moses, Joshua, David, Nehemiah, Paul, just to name a few.  Here are two quotes from Paul that reflect this.  The first is from the Book of Galations (6:9), "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  The other is from the Book of Philippians (3:13-14), "But one this I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Notice what gives Paul the hope to keep pressing on and not give up.  It is not his own strength or ability, it is his relationship with God.  If it is just up to me, I have no guarantee of success.  But if it is reliance on an all powerful, all knowing, and all present God, then there is no question that His plan for my life will happen, and it will be for His glory and my blessing.  Notice also that Paul is living for someone and something much bigger than himself and his own agenda.  His is living for God and His plan.  As you seek to press on, and not give up your ship, who are you relying on and who are you living for?
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

How Do You Define Love?

How do you define love?  I do a lot of pre-marital counseling and I always ask this question of couples preparing for their married life together.  I  hear a lot about feelings, meeting each others needs, giving, caring, and understanding.  Couples often talk about how they fell in love.  The idea of falling in love is one of the most ridiculous ideas conveyed in our popular culture.  You don't fall in love, you fall in ditches, potholes, trenches, and man holes without a cover.  The idea of falling in love conveys the idea of something happening to both people in a dating relationship, like some kind of force or power or emotion that comes over them.  Now I am all for romance, and the excitement of meeting someone and growing to love them.  The problem with the idea of falling in love is that if you fall in love, you can just as easily fall out of love, with no sense of commitment or personal responsibility.  Love is really all about choice, you chose to love to love someone and act in ways that are consistent with that decision. Certainly you may find yourself attracted to someone more than other people you may meet.  And that initial attraction will cause you to pursue a relationship with him or her.
When it comes to a definition of love, I think the best one ever written is found in the New Testament, in the book of 1 Corinthians, chapter 13.  As you read it, look at how much of what is described has to do with commitment, choices, actions, and how much has to do with emotion.  Let me share it with you:  Love is patient, love is kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it odes not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.  As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.  When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  when I became a man, I gave up childish ways.  For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.  Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three, but the greatest of these is love.  
I don't know about you, but I have never found a better understanding of love.  Of course, the next challenge is to put it into practice.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Teens and Social Media

I just read some interesting statistics on how much our teens are saturated with social media in our culture today.  According to the Center for Media Research, 90% of 13 to 17 year-olds have used some form of social media.  75% currently have a profile on a social networking site, and 20% have a Twitter account. The most popular place for social media is Facebook, with 68% saying they use it as their primary social networking platform.  Regarding their daily habits, 68% text every day, 51% visit social networking sites daily, 11% send or receive tweets at least once a day, and 34% visit their main social networking site several times a day.  Keep in mind, that none of this is texting, just social media.

Educators are noticing that the proliferation of texting and social media is having an impact on the way children write.  Instead of writing complete sentences, shortened phrases with abbreviations are creeping into the way kids write.  Also, penmanship seems to be suffering as well since kids are using keyboards and cellphone buttons instead of pen and paper.

For parents, it is vitally important for you to put limits on what your kids are doing on social media.  At what age do you think it is appropriate for your child to begin using social media, and what forms are acceptable to you?  This also means putting time limits on what they are doing, both in the amount of time spent, as well as when and how late your kids can be using it.  You should also give them guidance on what is acceptable and not regarding content.  Sexting (sending sexually provocative pictures) is an obvious example, but teaching your kids to be careful about communicating personal information is also important. Take time to teach your children manners regarding their use of social media when they are around other people. Finally, I strongly recommend that you be told of any and all social media outlets your kids are using and have 24-7 access to all of it.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

A Story That Made Me Smile

With all of the bad news in the world, here is a story that brought a smile to my face.  It is taken verbatim from NBC's Today Show.  In light of 9-11, it renews your faith in our people.

An 11-year-old boy's anonymous donation to his local police department captured the heart of his community and is inspiring others. Police wanted to thank him for it — but first they had to do a little detective work.

Two days after the 12th anniversary of the terror attacks of Sept. 11, a boy walked into his local police station in Greenfield, Wis., and shook more than $10 in loose change out of his bag. He told the woman at the desk he wanted to make a donation to the police, but walked out before she could get his name. 

"You don't expect that every day: Little guy to walk in and throw up his change," Brittany Eickhorst, who was working at the desk, told NBC News. "You know most kids are saving up for an Xbox or this game or that. (It's) just really heartwarming."

Touched by the offering, Greenfield police wanted to thank the mystery boy. So they posted surveillance video of him leaving the money at the station on YouTube and their Facebook page, asking people to identify the benevolent stranger.

They discovered the boy was sixth-grader Max Siepert, who had heard stories in his social studies class about the courage of police and firefighters who responded to the Sept. 11th tragedy. Max also has a family connection to law enforcement, as explained on the Greenfield Police Department's Facebook page.

"We've learned our mystery donor is 11-year-old Max," the police department's Facebook post said. "Max donated the money in memory of his grandfather, a Milwaukee Police Department officer who was killed in the line of duty in 1974. Max rode his bike to the police station without his parents' knowledge and didn't expect the attention. THANK YOU MAX and THANK YOU to your grandfather for his sacrifice."

It turns out the freckle-faced redhead had been saving his money since April, raising some of it via backyard talent shows as well as by soliciting donations from friends and relatives. "One day that's going to make a difference. It might not be a really big difference but at least it's something," said Max, who was interviewed about his good deed by several local TV stations.

Greenfield Assistant Police Chief Paul Schlecht told TODAY.com that he's heard Max has inspired others to donate to the department, and the story has lifted morale. "It's heartwarming. It's nice to see something good instead of all the bad stuff we hear about," Schlecht said. 

An 11-year-old boy's anonymous donation to his local police department captured the heart of his community and is inspiring others. Police wanted to thank him for it — but first they had to do a little detective work.

Two days after the 12th anniversary of the terror attacks of Sept. 11, a boy walked into his local police station in Greenfield, Wis., and shook more than $10 in loose change out of his bag. He told the woman at the desk he wanted to make a donation to the police, but walked out before she could get his name. 

"You don't expect that every day: Little guy to walk in and throw up his change," Brittany Eickhorst, who was working at the desk, told NBC News. "You know most kids are saving up for an Xbox or this game or that. (It's) just really heartwarming."

Touched by the offering, Greenfield police wanted to thank the mystery boy. So they posted surveillance video of him leaving the money at the station on YouTube and their Facebook page, asking people to identify the benevolent stranger.

They discovered the boy was sixth-grader Max Siepert, who had heard stories in his social studies class about the courage of police and firefighters who responded to the Sept. 11th tragedy. Max also has a family connection to law enforcement, as explained on the Greenfield Police Department's Facebook page.

"We've learned our mystery donor is 11-year-old Max," the police department's Facebook post said. "Max donated the money in memory of his grandfather, a Milwaukee Police Department officer who was killed in the line of duty in 1974. Max rode his bike to the police station without his parents' knowledge and didn't expect the attention. THANK YOU MAX and THANK YOU to your grandfather for his sacrifice."

It turns out the freckle-faced redhead had been saving his money since April, raising some of it via backyard talent shows as well as by soliciting donations from friends and relatives. "One day that's going to make a difference. It might not be a really big difference but at least it's something," said Max, who was interviewed about his good deed by several local TV stations.

Greenfield Assistant Police Chief Paul Schlecht told TODAY.com that he's heard Max has inspired others to donate to the department, and the story has lifted morale. "It's heartwarming. It's nice to see something good instead of all the bad stuff we hear about," Schlecht said. 

Blessings,

Dr. Paul

Always Remember, Never Forget

September 11, our Pearl Harbor, our day which will live in infamy.  It has been 12 years since that fateful morning when our nation was attacked by muslim terrorists.   It is a day to fly our flag, pause to pray for those who lost a loved one, and for the families of the firefighters, police officers, and EMT's who gave their lives, and to share with our young children what happened.  Let's also remember the firefighters and police officers and other volunteers who worked in the the rescue and recovery efforts who are now suffering from the contaminates they breathed. It is important to recognize that freedom is never free, and days like today keep us from forgetting the price that has been paid.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul