Communication in Marriage

One of the most important building blocks of any marriage is communication. And it can also be one of the most frustrating parts of marriage. The wife says that her husband just doesn't understand her, and the husband says his wife just doesn't understand him. He says she talks too much, and she says he doesn't talk enough. Let me share one of the most helpful verses in the Bible on what makes effective communication. It is found in Ephesians 4:29 and says, Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such as word as is good for edification, according to the need of the moment, that you may give grace to those who hear you.
Let's break this verse down phrase by phrase. Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth tells us to avoid using words that negative, foul, hurtful. Cursing, demeaning words that tare down your spouse are often said in anger, in the heat of the moment, but can do a lot of harm. Conversely, we need to use only words that are good for edification. To edify is to build up, encourage, strengthen, or help the other person. So ask yourself the question, do my words tare down or build up, discourage or encourage my spouse?
God's word gives us two more important principles. Our speech must take into account timing, according to the need of the moment. Timing can make all the difference. Having a serious discussion when you and your spouse are tired, sick, under a lot of stress or pressure can all contribute to miscommunication. For example, my wife knows that after a long day of ministry I need some time to unwind, so it is best to wait an hour or so before we have a serious discussion. The last point is that you give grace to those who hear you. Grace can refer to communicating forgiveness when your spouse wrongs you in some way. Grace can also refer to your tone, where you communicate with graciousness, not harshly. Third, grace can refer to the giving of blessing to the person who you communicate.
Take some time to think through the principles God gives us in this verse. Ask your spouse how he/she thinks you are doing in each of these areas, and make a commitment to change the way you talk to the most important person in your life next to God.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Religion in America

The Pew Research Center just released the results of their "U.S. Religious Knowledge Survey" and it paints a pretty bleak picture. It found that Americans are incredibly ignorant of their own religion. In fact, it found that atheists know the most about religion, followed by Jews, Mormons, and then evangelical Protestants! Fewer than half of American Catholics are able to name Genesis as the first book of the Bible. Only 28% of evangelical Protestants know that the Bible teaches salvation through faith alone, and only a slight majority of Catholics can identify their church's doctrine on communion. Less than half of Protestants know that Martin Luther inspired the Reformation, but 70% of Jews know that fact.
The survey also reveals how much Americans misunderstand what the Constitution teaches about restrictions on religion. This is something I have dealt with repeatedly over the years as my children attended public school from 7th through 12th grades. Only 36% of survey respondents knew a public school teacher may teach a comparative religion class, and only 23% knew that a teacher may teach the Bible as literature. Yet the Supreme Court has ruled teachers may do both.
Knowing the Bible not only provides understanding of God's view of life and life eternal, but a host of other issues. Theology is all about knowing what God says about who He is, who you are, and how you can live as a child, spouse, parent, employer, employee, etc. If you have a question about what is moral, what is true, what is false, what matters most, you can find that in the Word of God. To neglect the knowledge of God through His word is to misundestand eveything that can bring blessing your life.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

My Greatest Frustration in Marriage Counseling

If there is one thing that frustrates me as I work with couples, it is when a husband does nothing but complain about his wife, and the wife does nothing but complain about him. Everything said is about the problems, short comings, and failures of the other person. The pronouns used aren't I or me, but he, she, you. Obviously when a couple comes to see me in counseling, things have reached a level of difficulty you may not have reached. But how much do you focus on the problems with your spouse, and how much do you focus on you own contributions to the struggles in your relationship?

Jesus talked about our natural tendency to spend more time looking at what the other person is doing to cause a problem but ignore our own contribution to the problem. In Matthew 7:3-5 He says, "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. about the speck in the other person's eye." The message of Jesus is clear, put your emphasis on what you need to work on, and what is happening in your own heart first.

Are you in a relationship that is struggling? Do you find yourself increasingly focused on the faults and failures of the other person. Are you frustrated with your inability to change him/her? The only person you can change is yourself. And changing yourself means seeking God's power to work on your heart. Here is a prayer from God's word that can make a difference as it puts the emphasis on what God can do in your life: "Search me O God, and know my heart, try me and know my anxious thoughts, and see if there be any hurful way in me, and lead me in your everlasting way," Psalm 139:23-24.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Weddings in 2009 at a Record Low

According to the United States Census Bureau, weddings for people 18 and older dropped to the lowest point in over a hundred years. The number of people getting married in 2009 dropped to a record low with only 52% of those 18 and older saying they were married. This compares to 57% in 2000. Marriage rates have been declining for years due to the rise in divorce and the increase in unmarried couples living together. Regarding marriage among adults 25 to 34, 46.3% reported that they had never married, It is the first time that the share of unmarried young adults exceeded the 44.9% who are married. Demographers believe that the current economic downturn may be causing more younger adults to postpone marraige as many struggle to find work and resist making long term commitments. Mark Mather of the Population Reference Bureau states, "Given the scope of the recent recession, many more couples are likely to chose cohabitation over marraige in the coming years."
So given the financial pressure people are facing, why not live together first? Doesn't make sense to save money on rent by living together? And with the high divorce rate, should we try things out and make sure we are compatible before committing to marriage?
This makes sense to a lot of people, but the research on marriage does not support these ideas. Couples who wait to be married before being sexually active or living together have a significantly lower divorce rate compared to couples who live together first. Studies also consistently show that couples who live together have more problems with conflict resolution, agreeing on major issues they face, and financial unity compared to couples who marry first before living together or being sexually active. Most surprising to many people, couples who marry first report having a better sexual relationship than those who live together or have sex outside of marriage. Why? I believe the reason for this comes down to the significance of the unconditional committment a couples makes when they get married first. The couple getting married first are basicially saying that regardless of how you perform sexually, or how much money you make, or anything else I learn about you once we live together, I am committed to you unconditionally. This removes a lot of the pressure and insecurity couples who cohabitate have to deal with. If you are thinking of living together to try things out first, you are short changing your relationship and increasing the chance of failure.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Your Marriage and Spiritual Warfare

The Bible teaches that Christians face something called spiritual warfare. There are a number of places that talk about this. The Bible says that our enemies are the world, the flesh, and the devil. In Ephesians 6, the Bible teaches that we do not wrestle just against flesh and blood, but against powers, principalities, against spiritual forces of wickedness in heavenly places. Peter writes in 1 Peter 5:8. “Be sober minded, be watchful. Your adversary, the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” This comes across to some people, even Christians, as a unusual, mysterious, even spookey. I believe this not only because the Bible teaches it, but I have seen the results of it in my own life.
Something that no one writes about or talks about is the issue of spiritual warfare in the Christian marriage. I believe spiritual warfare is found in the marriages of believers. Why do I say this? First, since spiritual warfare is experienced in the life of the individual Christian, it follows that when you bring two Christians together in a relationship, and in this case, in the intimate relationship of marriage, that it will be present there as well. Second, since marriage is the first institution started by God for human society, even before the church, it makes this a special target of Satan. If he can destroy marriages, he can cause tremendous damage to the family and to society as a whole. If you are a Christian, he can create even more damage to the family of God. And if you are a Christian leader, then you can hurt the churches and ministries where these leaders serve. Third, when I talk to Christian couples in marriage counseling, including pastors and missionaries, the hardest things for couples to do together is pray. Prayer is one of the key practices of the Christian life, and is listed as one of two offensive weapons we can use in our fight against Satan (the other is the Bible, also called the sword of the spirit).
So if I am correct in asserting that spiritual warfare is found in the Christian marriage, what should we do about it? Let me suggest a couple of ideas. Knowing that your marriage is a target of the Evil One should increase your awareness of the spiritual aspects of your marriage. Second, improving the spiritual practices that will strengthen the spiritual side of your marriage are important to fighting off your enemy. James 4:7 gives us a tremendous promise, "Resist the devil and he will flee from you." Think about competing in a wrestling match. What would you do to prepare for it? Practice various moves, do physical conditioning, and learn about your opponent. In the same way you need to strengthen your spiritual muscles. Prayer, studying the Bible, worship, and doing these things with your spouse are ways to fortify the spiritual side of your marriage. Be confident that if you will resist the devil and the tempations he attempts in your marriage, he WILL flee from you.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Facebook Affairs

During the past year I have had a number of sad counseling sessions with a married person whose spouse got involved in an affair. These are always gut wrenching, heart breaking sessions. What makes some of these examples stand out is it is what I and other marriage counselors refer to as "facebook affairs." These marriage break-ups involved a spouse meeting someone on facebook who eventually becomes a lover. A prominent divorce attorney was recently quoted in the Philadelphia Inquirer who said that about 50% of the divorces he handles involve a spouse having an affair that involve Facebook. Think about that for a minute, 50%!
I want to be careful here not to put the blame on Facebook itself. It is a great way to connect with friends and family. And it isn't going anywhere in the near future. Obviously, there were problems in the people and marriages involved in these Facebook afairs. The problem is that Facebook makes it a lot easier to connect with people without having to travel anywhere or meet in person. A lot of the afairs also involve people connecting with old flames or people from a person's past, grade school, college, etc. There is often an innocent curiosity that leads to wanting to find out more about that attractive blonde or that good looking guy from your past. How do they look now, where has life taken them, etc. It also seems easier for a lot of people to flirt on Facebook when they would be more shy about it in person. And then there is the 24/7 opportunity to send messages or chat.
So how do we avoid a Facebook afair? First and foremost, work at making your marriage work. A strong relationship with your spouse is the best way to make your marriage affair-proof. Couples of all ages who are happily all give the same number one reason why this true for them. The number one reason they report is "my spouse is my best friend." Is that true for you and your spouse?
Second, give each other your Facebook account name and password so that you can both look at what is taking place your news feeds, profiles, messages, etc. I would also suggest that you tell each other who your new friends are and if there are any reservations, drop that person as a friend. Avoid accepting past romantic interests as friends. Have a policy of openness with each other's facebook accounts.
Third, make sure you spend more time talking to each other directly, and doing things with each other, compared to the amount of time you spend on Facebook or other computer activities. A big warning sign is if your spouse stays up later than your normal bed time spending time on Facebook. This is a common thread in many of the examples I have counseled. If your spouse is evasive about what they are doing, or who they are communicating with, you should be concerned.
Fourth, when you go on Facebook, do it when you are with your spouse. My wife and I are usually in the same room and in line of sight when we spend time on Facebook. Talk about what you are saying and doing, and with whom.
Finally, if you wouldn't say something flirty or provocative with someone in person, don't say it on Facebook. Keep the same standards of morality and propriety you would have in any other context. Be the same person in private that you are in public.
Facebook is nothing more than a tool to communicate with others. Just be discerning about what you say, and to whom you say it.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Back to School

This time of year is always as time of mixed emotions. On the one hand, we as parents are happy to see our children make progress in learning, and experience new challenges and opportunities. On the other hand, it is hard to let go. Each year in school means another step closer to the teen years, graduation, college, or career. This has been a tough year for me personally. My sons are now both in college. This means we no longer have any kids left in our local school district. My youngest is now away at school. On top of that, my daughter is engaged and is preparing for marriage in the spring. She is home for her first year of graduate school. For the first time, I am the only male in my house! This means a few changes in addition to missing my sons. When it comes to TV show choices (from shows like Dealiest Warrior, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Pawn Stars to Say Yes to the Dress, Halmark movies, Bridezillas, etc), food served (my wife is moving away from making more meat and potatoes oriented food to all kinds of exotic recipes), target shooting now takes place by myself, or with a friend. When we left the boys at Liberty University, I even showed a some emotion, and it was a quiet ride for the first hour. However, at this stage of parenting, I am very thankful. None of the teenage year horror stories have been experienced in our home. No, Phyllis and I aren’t perfect parents, nor do we have perfect kids. Yes, we have had plenty of challenges to work through (and continue with even now). But seeing God honor the priorities I established is something I would not trade for anything. After my relationship with God, and my wife, was being a Dad for my three children. EVERYTHING else, including ministry, came after that. As you begin a new school year, regardless of whether your child is starting pre-school or kindergarten, or even high school, know that God is faithful. Know that the investment you make in your children will make a difference in their lives, and in yours.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul