My Greatest Frustration in Marriage Counseling

If there is one thing that frustrates me as I work with couples, it is when a husband does nothing but complain about his wife, and the wife does nothing but complain about him. Everything said is about the problems, short comings, and failures of the other person. The pronouns used aren't I or me, but he, she, you. Obviously when a couple comes to see me in counseling, things have reached a level of difficulty you may not have reached. But how much do you focus on the problems with your spouse, and how much do you focus on you own contributions to the struggles in your relationship?

Jesus talked about our natural tendency to spend more time looking at what the other person is doing to cause a problem but ignore our own contribution to the problem. In Matthew 7:3-5 He says, "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. about the speck in the other person's eye." The message of Jesus is clear, put your emphasis on what you need to work on, and what is happening in your own heart first.

Are you in a relationship that is struggling? Do you find yourself increasingly focused on the faults and failures of the other person. Are you frustrated with your inability to change him/her? The only person you can change is yourself. And changing yourself means seeking God's power to work on your heart. Here is a prayer from God's word that can make a difference as it puts the emphasis on what God can do in your life: "Search me O God, and know my heart, try me and know my anxious thoughts, and see if there be any hurful way in me, and lead me in your everlasting way," Psalm 139:23-24.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Weddings in 2009 at a Record Low

According to the United States Census Bureau, weddings for people 18 and older dropped to the lowest point in over a hundred years. The number of people getting married in 2009 dropped to a record low with only 52% of those 18 and older saying they were married. This compares to 57% in 2000. Marriage rates have been declining for years due to the rise in divorce and the increase in unmarried couples living together. Regarding marriage among adults 25 to 34, 46.3% reported that they had never married, It is the first time that the share of unmarried young adults exceeded the 44.9% who are married. Demographers believe that the current economic downturn may be causing more younger adults to postpone marraige as many struggle to find work and resist making long term commitments. Mark Mather of the Population Reference Bureau states, "Given the scope of the recent recession, many more couples are likely to chose cohabitation over marraige in the coming years."
So given the financial pressure people are facing, why not live together first? Doesn't make sense to save money on rent by living together? And with the high divorce rate, should we try things out and make sure we are compatible before committing to marriage?
This makes sense to a lot of people, but the research on marriage does not support these ideas. Couples who wait to be married before being sexually active or living together have a significantly lower divorce rate compared to couples who live together first. Studies also consistently show that couples who live together have more problems with conflict resolution, agreeing on major issues they face, and financial unity compared to couples who marry first before living together or being sexually active. Most surprising to many people, couples who marry first report having a better sexual relationship than those who live together or have sex outside of marriage. Why? I believe the reason for this comes down to the significance of the unconditional committment a couples makes when they get married first. The couple getting married first are basicially saying that regardless of how you perform sexually, or how much money you make, or anything else I learn about you once we live together, I am committed to you unconditionally. This removes a lot of the pressure and insecurity couples who cohabitate have to deal with. If you are thinking of living together to try things out first, you are short changing your relationship and increasing the chance of failure.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Your Marriage and Spiritual Warfare

The Bible teaches that Christians face something called spiritual warfare. There are a number of places that talk about this. The Bible says that our enemies are the world, the flesh, and the devil. In Ephesians 6, the Bible teaches that we do not wrestle just against flesh and blood, but against powers, principalities, against spiritual forces of wickedness in heavenly places. Peter writes in 1 Peter 5:8. “Be sober minded, be watchful. Your adversary, the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” This comes across to some people, even Christians, as a unusual, mysterious, even spookey. I believe this not only because the Bible teaches it, but I have seen the results of it in my own life.
Something that no one writes about or talks about is the issue of spiritual warfare in the Christian marriage. I believe spiritual warfare is found in the marriages of believers. Why do I say this? First, since spiritual warfare is experienced in the life of the individual Christian, it follows that when you bring two Christians together in a relationship, and in this case, in the intimate relationship of marriage, that it will be present there as well. Second, since marriage is the first institution started by God for human society, even before the church, it makes this a special target of Satan. If he can destroy marriages, he can cause tremendous damage to the family and to society as a whole. If you are a Christian, he can create even more damage to the family of God. And if you are a Christian leader, then you can hurt the churches and ministries where these leaders serve. Third, when I talk to Christian couples in marriage counseling, including pastors and missionaries, the hardest things for couples to do together is pray. Prayer is one of the key practices of the Christian life, and is listed as one of two offensive weapons we can use in our fight against Satan (the other is the Bible, also called the sword of the spirit).
So if I am correct in asserting that spiritual warfare is found in the Christian marriage, what should we do about it? Let me suggest a couple of ideas. Knowing that your marriage is a target of the Evil One should increase your awareness of the spiritual aspects of your marriage. Second, improving the spiritual practices that will strengthen the spiritual side of your marriage are important to fighting off your enemy. James 4:7 gives us a tremendous promise, "Resist the devil and he will flee from you." Think about competing in a wrestling match. What would you do to prepare for it? Practice various moves, do physical conditioning, and learn about your opponent. In the same way you need to strengthen your spiritual muscles. Prayer, studying the Bible, worship, and doing these things with your spouse are ways to fortify the spiritual side of your marriage. Be confident that if you will resist the devil and the tempations he attempts in your marriage, he WILL flee from you.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Facebook Affairs

During the past year I have had a number of sad counseling sessions with a married person whose spouse got involved in an affair. These are always gut wrenching, heart breaking sessions. What makes some of these examples stand out is it is what I and other marriage counselors refer to as "facebook affairs." These marriage break-ups involved a spouse meeting someone on facebook who eventually becomes a lover. A prominent divorce attorney was recently quoted in the Philadelphia Inquirer who said that about 50% of the divorces he handles involve a spouse having an affair that involve Facebook. Think about that for a minute, 50%!
I want to be careful here not to put the blame on Facebook itself. It is a great way to connect with friends and family. And it isn't going anywhere in the near future. Obviously, there were problems in the people and marriages involved in these Facebook afairs. The problem is that Facebook makes it a lot easier to connect with people without having to travel anywhere or meet in person. A lot of the afairs also involve people connecting with old flames or people from a person's past, grade school, college, etc. There is often an innocent curiosity that leads to wanting to find out more about that attractive blonde or that good looking guy from your past. How do they look now, where has life taken them, etc. It also seems easier for a lot of people to flirt on Facebook when they would be more shy about it in person. And then there is the 24/7 opportunity to send messages or chat.
So how do we avoid a Facebook afair? First and foremost, work at making your marriage work. A strong relationship with your spouse is the best way to make your marriage affair-proof. Couples of all ages who are happily all give the same number one reason why this true for them. The number one reason they report is "my spouse is my best friend." Is that true for you and your spouse?
Second, give each other your Facebook account name and password so that you can both look at what is taking place your news feeds, profiles, messages, etc. I would also suggest that you tell each other who your new friends are and if there are any reservations, drop that person as a friend. Avoid accepting past romantic interests as friends. Have a policy of openness with each other's facebook accounts.
Third, make sure you spend more time talking to each other directly, and doing things with each other, compared to the amount of time you spend on Facebook or other computer activities. A big warning sign is if your spouse stays up later than your normal bed time spending time on Facebook. This is a common thread in many of the examples I have counseled. If your spouse is evasive about what they are doing, or who they are communicating with, you should be concerned.
Fourth, when you go on Facebook, do it when you are with your spouse. My wife and I are usually in the same room and in line of sight when we spend time on Facebook. Talk about what you are saying and doing, and with whom.
Finally, if you wouldn't say something flirty or provocative with someone in person, don't say it on Facebook. Keep the same standards of morality and propriety you would have in any other context. Be the same person in private that you are in public.
Facebook is nothing more than a tool to communicate with others. Just be discerning about what you say, and to whom you say it.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Back to School

This time of year is always as time of mixed emotions. On the one hand, we as parents are happy to see our children make progress in learning, and experience new challenges and opportunities. On the other hand, it is hard to let go. Each year in school means another step closer to the teen years, graduation, college, or career. This has been a tough year for me personally. My sons are now both in college. This means we no longer have any kids left in our local school district. My youngest is now away at school. On top of that, my daughter is engaged and is preparing for marriage in the spring. She is home for her first year of graduate school. For the first time, I am the only male in my house! This means a few changes in addition to missing my sons. When it comes to TV show choices (from shows like Dealiest Warrior, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Pawn Stars to Say Yes to the Dress, Halmark movies, Bridezillas, etc), food served (my wife is moving away from making more meat and potatoes oriented food to all kinds of exotic recipes), target shooting now takes place by myself, or with a friend. When we left the boys at Liberty University, I even showed a some emotion, and it was a quiet ride for the first hour. However, at this stage of parenting, I am very thankful. None of the teenage year horror stories have been experienced in our home. No, Phyllis and I aren’t perfect parents, nor do we have perfect kids. Yes, we have had plenty of challenges to work through (and continue with even now). But seeing God honor the priorities I established is something I would not trade for anything. After my relationship with God, and my wife, was being a Dad for my three children. EVERYTHING else, including ministry, came after that. As you begin a new school year, regardless of whether your child is starting pre-school or kindergarten, or even high school, know that God is faithful. Know that the investment you make in your children will make a difference in their lives, and in yours.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

The Negative Impact of Long Term Unemployment

The Pew Research Center just completed a survey of the long term unemployed. They found that long-term unemployment takes a much greater toll on a person's emotional state, finances and career prospects as compared to short-term unemployment.
For the study, 2,967 adults were interviewed and of that group, 810 were either currently unemployed, or were jobless for at least some period of time since December of 2007. Those who had been unemployed for at least six months had experienced higher levels of "major change" in their lives as a result of the recession than those who had been unemployed for less than six months.
The study showed several areas of life that are impacted by a long period of joblessness.
Let's start with the obvious. Those who had been unemployed longer (six months or more) saw more of a decline in their family income, with 56 percent seeing a decline compared to 42 percent who had been unemployed for less than three months. Even those who had not had any break in their employment reported a 26 percent drop in their household income in the past 18 months.
But the study found other impacts as well. Strained family relations and loss of contact with close friends were reported at a higher rate by those who had been jobless for six months or more. And in terms of career goals, over 43% of the long-term unemployed said the recession has had a "big impact" on their ability to achieve their long-term career goals. Finally, the study found a significant emotional impact to long term unemployment. Those who had been unemployed for longer periods of time were more likely to report that they were struggling with such issues as loss of self respect, doubt about being in the right career, lowered expectations and feeling pessimistic about the future.
Do you know someone who is unemployed for the long haul? This is a wonderful opportunity to reach out to that person with the love of Christ. Are you someone who has been unemployed for the long haul? Don't isolate yourself from family and friends, reach out to your local church for help, and know that you are not alone. God cares for you!
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Haiti Conference as the Pastor's Saw It

The other week I received an email from Frantz Morisset, a Haitian pastor from the US who helped us with translation and coordinating small groups for the pastor's conference earlier this summer. I was greatly encouraged by the comments expressed by these pastor's who are serving in such a needy place, and who have suffered so much. Here are some of their thoughts:

"This conference comforted me... It challenged me to help my community and my country... I am now more committed to comfort not only members of my own church but to go beyond... Thank you Lord, you have sent me what I truly needed."

"I was satisfied with my work and concern for church members before the conference... Now I see the need to love, to love more for a truly biblical ministry... I will assist the members of my church in a better way and be available to answer their questions."

Thanks! Thanks CHC [Churches Helping Churches]! I was so discouraged seeing my future... that of my family... ihave a better understanding of God and natural disaster... Good to see there are people who love me... I need help for my family... they are suffereing and I cannot help much... I was alone but now I see there are people who think of me... Thanks."

"This conference challenges me to have more love, more tolerance, and more compassion for others. As I reflect on theh love of the teachers for us, Haitians, it challenges me to do the same... Thanks."

“New vision for love, hope… More commitment to implant new churches and get involved with my team in tent ministries and assistance to victims.”

“This conference should continue through the country… It offers great opportunity to spread the gospel and help pastors who find it difficult to answer to the needs of the times.”

“I am definitely better equipped to face actual problems… Thanks for the American brothers who came in these difficult times… Thanks.”

“It was a good time of reflection… I have learned new ways to handle problems efficiently… how to listen to those suffering… My faith has been strengthened"

“I have been suffering much… headaches, unjustified fatigue, stress… At least this week I am really strong… The Spirit of the LORD is with me… Please do more of this kind of retreat.”

“Can’t wait to share with my friends… I became a de facto counselor on trauma for my church… Now I am better equipped… need to have more for young people…”

“Very relevant… Timely… Thank you CHC, STEP and others. I did not understand what had happened in Port-au-Prince, being from the South... I learned much about ministry in critical times… in time of natural disasters. Thanks to the American team.”

I have many more pages of comments like these, but you get the picture. May these comments encourage you to pray for the pastors and the people of Haiti. For those of you who supported this outreach with your prayers and gifts, may you be encouraged to see how God used this strategic conference.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul