Family Christmas Conflict

If you are like most people, having the extended family around during the holidays does not bring joy, peace, and goodwill toward men. Why do we seem to have more conflict around the holidays? Here are some thoughts about why the Christmas season can be a nightmare. Certainly the increase in activities and the running around adds stress to everyone's life. And then you are spending time with relatives who normally don't spend as much time with. They are hanging around your family room, going in your refrigerator, using your bathroom, messing with your TV remote!

Add to this that many people, especially women, go into the holiday season with a higher ideal of what they want the family to be (for us men, we often just bounce from one thing to the next, just tell us where we need to be and when). And when it doesn't meet that ideal, we get upset, down, and look for someone to blame (I can't believe how your parents acted, your family gave the dumbest gifts, can't they ever be on time for anything........). Just spending more time around family members you may not see as much the rest of the year can be a breeding ground for conflict. Conflicting ideas about how the holiday time should be spent (why do we have to go to church again), who spend should spend it with who (what do you mean, you aren't having Christmas dinner with us!), how much money family members spend on each other, these are just some of the flash points.

I think a lot of this has to do with underlying expectations that you and your family members can have. These expectations are often unspoken, but drive the conflict you see on the surface. These expectations can be based on value and importance you place on spending time together or apart, how we should worship, how strongly family boundaries should be respected or crossed, how you handle the kids compared to others in your family, the role of alcohol, just to name a few.

Let's zero in on the relationships that tend to bring the most conflict. When I was in graduate school, my professor for Marriage and Family Counseling often talked about the "Big 3" of marriage conflict, money, sex, and kids. After 25 years of counseling, I would like to add a fourth, IN-LAWS. Dealing with the extended family is another source of difficulty. It is interesting to me that studies of newlyweds, "middlyweds," and "oldlyweds" all state that dealing with in-laws and extended family are a source of frustration and conflict. The in-law relationship that tends to bring the most conflict is the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship. Father-in-law, son-in-law can also create problems, but often ranks second. Again, I think it has to do with the ideals women place on the holidays, but also how time is spent preparing for the holiday time, or being in the kitchen together. Lots of opportunity (remember Mary and Martha going at it, Luke 10:38-42?) for sniping and griping (the guys are probably falling asleep watching football together, another issue to be dealt with!).

From the perspective of the parents/grandparents, after years of having your children be with you, doing what you want, now you have to let them go, establish their own identity, and decide how they want to spend the holiday. That isn't easy! You and your spouse have always done it a certain way, and now a new son or daughter-in-law brings a whole new set of ideas and expectations into the picture. Even if your children are not married, when they get into the teen years, they want to enjoy the traditions you have, but they also desire to be with their peers. This often means negotiating how they spend their time with friends verses you, the parents.

So after all of this, do we give up on celebrating Christmas? No, we just need to recognize that all of us are broken, flawed people. If everyone would simply do what I think they should do, when I think they should do it, and I think it should be done, the world would be a better place! The Bible is clear that we should expect conflict (Matthew 5:23-24, Ephesians 4:26, James 4:1-10). It is the inevitable result of sinful people being around each other. Conflict is found in every relationship, so how do we resolve these conflicts? I will share some suggestions in my next blog. And if you have a good story of extended family being together for the holidays, or a horror story, send it to me at drpaul@insightcounsel.org.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Starting Simple for the New Year

This past Sunday I spoke on a passage of scripture that I think provides a simple, spiritual, recipe for the New Year. After all of the Christmas holiday madness, I think it is especially timely to think about making our lives more simple and get back to basics. The passage I am referring to is Micah 6:8, "And what does the Lord require of you, O man, but to do justly, to love kindness (or mercy), and to walk humbly with your God." I love the simplicity of this verse. God simply wants us to reflect His character, who He is. He is a God who is all about doing what is right and just, and He is a God of grace. And so he calls us to do what is right, and to not just be kind, but to love kindness.
He wraps it up with encouraging us to walk humbly with our God. Notice he tells us not to run, or even to jog, but to walk. You get the sense of a regular, steady pace, not a rush, no being in a hurry. It is the difference between driving through your neighborhood, verses walking through your neighborhood. The slower pace allows you to see and hear things you would miss if you just drove down the street. He also encourages us to walk with humility. It takes humility to admit that you need God, that you can't save yourself, you don't have all of the answers.
I hope you will think about taking this verse and making it your own for 2010.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Merry Christmas

A friend sent this to my wife, and I thought you would appreciate it for Christmas.

Jesus is Better than Santa
Santa lives at the North Pole.
JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
Santa comes but once a year
JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies
JESUS supplies all your needs.
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited
JESUS stands at your door and knocks.. and then enters your heart.
You have to stand in line to see Santa
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly
JESUS has a heart full of love.
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO
JESUS offers health, help and hope.
Santa says "You better not cry"
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."
Santa's little helpers make toys
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.
Santa may make you chuckle but
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree
JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.
It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in Christmas.
Jesus is still the reason for the season.

Christmas Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Do You Know What Your Teen is Texting?

The suicide of a 14 year old girl has highlighted again a serious problem among today's teens, sexting. Sexting is when teens send sexually suggestive or explicit pictures to one or more friends or romantic interests. This girl sent a topless picture of herself to a guy she was interesting in dating. He immediately forwarded it to some of his guy friends, who then forwarded it to their friends. Soon it was all over her school. She couldn't walk anywhere in school without people making comments to her. It quickly got to the point where she just couldn't take it anymore. Don't think this is some isolated phenomena. A recent survey found that one third of young adults age 20 to 26, and 20% of teens have sent a naked, or semi-naked picture of themselves via text messaging.
What many teens don't realize is once something enters the electronic media, it is there to stay. In addition, teens are being arrested for possessing child pornography, and trafficing child porn when maintain or send a sexually explicit picture through text messaging.
How should a parent of a teen respond? I recommend that you talk to your teen about this. Start by asking what they have seen or heard regarding sexting. Share with them your concerns and point out to them what some of the consequences are for doing this, or even recieving a message and keeping it on their phone. You might also ask your cell phone provider what options you have as a parent to monitor or block the text messaging your child does.
I don't know about you as a parent, but everytime I think I am catching up with the technology curve something else comes along, seemingly out of nowhere. Now, more than ever, stay in touch with your kids and be technology savvy.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Communicating Repsect in Marriage, Part 1

Last time I focused on how husband can communicate love to their wives. Today I want to encourage wives on some ways to communicate respect to their husband. Just as a woman wants to know that she is cherished by her man, a husband wants to know that he is respected by his wife. Certainly it is important for a wife to be respected, this is a more fundamental need for him. So let's look at some ways that a wife can do this.
Let me start by encouraging you to communicate your appreciation for who he is and what he does. Let him know that you see his hard work to help provide for his family, as well as the person he is to you and your children. Now I have to admit, no man thinks he is ever appreciated enough for what he does. Don't feed into that, but don't swing the pedulum so far the other way that he never hears any appreciation.
A second way to communicate respect is don't expect him to know what you are thinking, and then condemn him when he acts without regard to what you are thinking. I call this the ESP syndrome. Women think men have ESP and should know what they are thinking. Ladies, we aren't that smart! We need you to tell us. If you go down this path, you will simply frustrate him and he may eventually stop trying because he figures he can never win.
A third way to communicate respect is to support him when he takes a new initiative. It may be at work, at home, or with church, but start by listening to his thoughts and don't put it down right away, even if you think he is nuts. If you have concerns about it, give it a little time and start by asking questions that can help him to think it through more thoroughly. Certainly communicate your objections if there are clear reasons to be concerned. But don't allow that to undermine his need to know that you are with him as he takes a lead.
Next time I will share part 2 in how a man can more effectively communicate love to his wife.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Communicating Love in Marriage, Part 1

In my last post, I focused on how love and respect are the basis for keeping a marriage strong. In the Bible, God discusses both of these concepts, especially in the Book of Ephesians, chapter 5. God instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church, and instructs wives to respect their husbands. So let me start by helping husbands with some practical tips on how to let your wife know that you love and cherish her. The first way to do it is to simply tell her on a regular basis that you love her. Profound idea, isn't it. Unfortunately, I find a lot of guys have trouble remembering to say this. Many assume that she knows that I love her, look at how hard I work for our family, look at all the things I provide for her and our family. This may be true, but there is still nothing like hearing those most powerful words in any relationship, I love you. So take your wife by the hand, sit down next to her, look her in the eye, and tell her with all the sincerety you have, I love you.
A second way to communicate love to your wife is to take the initiative to do things for her without being asked. This means you need to take some time to think about things she has asked you to do in the past, and take the intiative to do it. And it doesn't have to be anything big, it can simply be doing a load of wash, running an errand for her, giving the kids a bath, setting the table for dinner, anything that is meaningful to her and conveys the idea that you are thinking of her.
A third way to let her know that you cherish her is to love her the way she wants to be loved. This is what some Christian counselors call paying attention to your spouse's love language. We all have certain things our spouse can do that communicate love. And this is different for each spouse. Don't love her the way you want to be loved, love her the way she wants to be love. For example, maybe your wife feels loved when you give her a gift, or you tell her words of encouragement, do a kind action for her, or hold her and cuddle with her without it leading to sex. Whatever it is, find out by asking her, when do you feel most loved, and then make sure you take time to do just that. This is also a way to reflect the biblical emphasis on servanthood, as the Son of God did not come to be served, but to serve, and give His live a ransom for man, Mark 10:45.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

How To Divorce Proof Your Marriage

A lot of couples ask me how couples wind up getting divorced, and what is behind the question is usually, how can we prevent this from happening to us? Obviously, there are a lot of different circumstances that can lead a couple to divorce. Phyiscal abuse, substance abuse, and infidelity are three obvious situations. Barring one of those marriage killers, for most couples, it comes down to either the wife or the husband not experiencing their most basic desire in marriage. And this most basic desire is different for men and for women. For the wives, it is being cherished by her husband. What does it mean to be cherished? When you cherish something or someone, you treat it with love, care, gentleness, protection. She is treated as someone very special who is of great value to her husband. For the husband, it is being respected by his wife. What does it mean to be respected? Appreciation, admiration, pride, and honor are ideas that come to mind. When you respect someone, you look up to them and consider them to be valued as well.
Don't get me wrong on this, women are also looking for respect and men are also looking for love. But when you boil it down, God has created men and women uniquely and you see this reflected in the guidance He gives for married couples in the Bible. In the famous passage on marriage in Ephesians 5, it is interesting that God commands husband to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. One reason for this is that God understands the basic desire we each have in marriage. God is telling husbands that if you do nothing else, make sure you love your wife. And God is telling wives that if you do nothing else, make sure you respect your husband.
So how high are the cherish-respect values in your marriage? Next time I will give some ideas on how husbands can better cherish their wives, followed by how wives can better respect their husbands.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul