Last week I shared some of the results from a significant
study of senior adults by gerontologist Dr. Karl Pillemer from Cornell
University. on how to have a happy
marriage for the long haul. He conducted
700 interviews with people 65 and older in what he calls The Marriage Advice
Project. See last week’s blog for more
details about the study and the first half of the findings he reported. Here are the rest of the advice he gained
from his interviews:
Tread carefully when
discussing difficult topics. If you
want smooth marital communication, timing is critical. Read cues from your partner to decide the
best time to raise an issue. When things
aren’t going well in a discussion, back off, Pillemer says. He also points out that one surprising
finding from his research is retirees said that sometimes their marital
arguments might be related to one or both of them needing to get something to
eat. Whether it is low blood sugar or just the need for comfort, food seems to
help tone down conflict. One couple said
when they were having a tiff, she offers her husband a sandwich, and he offers
her a cup of tea.
Put your relationship
first. Your relationship with your
spouse has to come before the kids, in-laws, jobs, friends, and anything else,
retirees said. You don’t do your
children much good if your marriage dries up.
Lighten up on in-law
relationships.
Many of the elder experts said you don’t marry a person; you
marry his or her family. People should
work hard on the relationship with their in-laws, even though it may mean
compromise, withholding opinions and searching for points to respect and
admire.
Stay out of debt.
The couples in this study recommended living within whatever
amount of money you make and avoiding debt, especially for luxury items and
credit-card debt.
Focus on small things
to keep the spark alive. Pillemer
says, “Marriage is made of thousands of micro intentions.” The retirees said to keep those interactions
positive: give compliments, do
unexpected little things like the other person’s chores. Many of those interviewed said the failure to
give and receive compliments was one of their big regrets.
Enjoy Intimacy. Many older people who have a partner “are
having very fulfilling sex lives. People really enjoy the sense of intimacy
with a lifelong partner” according to Pillemer.
He goes on to say, “one of my
favorite quotes in the book was the guy who said, ‘Look at our age this is
recreation, not procreation.”
Respect each
other. This means paying attention
to how you say things, and listening and showing that you are listening to what
your partner says. “Long-married
retirees say the real danger of marriage is that you know someone so well that
they are extremely vulnerable to you.
You have the ability to hurt them more than anybody else you know. Respect is the protection against that,” says
Pillemer.
So there you have it, how to have a long, happy marriage
from people who know. In my next post I
will comment on the points made from this study. What do you think about the results from this
study?
Blessings,
Dr. Paul