Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Communication in Marriage

One of the most important building blocks of any marriage is communication. And it can also be one of the most frustrating parts of marriage. The wife says that her husband just doesn't understand her, and the husband says his wife just doesn't understand him. He says she talks too much, and she says he doesn't talk enough. Let me share one of the most helpful verses in the Bible on what makes effective communication. It is found in Ephesians 4:29 and says, Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such as word as is good for edification, according to the need of the moment, that you may give grace to those who hear you.
Let's break this verse down phrase by phrase. Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth tells us to avoid using words that negative, foul, hurtful. Cursing, demeaning words that tare down your spouse are often said in anger, in the heat of the moment, but can do a lot of harm. Conversely, we need to use only words that are good for edification. To edify is to build up, encourage, strengthen, or help the other person. So ask yourself the question, do my words tare down or build up, discourage or encourage my spouse?
God's word gives us two more important principles. Our speech must take into account timing, according to the need of the moment. Timing can make all the difference. Having a serious discussion when you and your spouse are tired, sick, under a lot of stress or pressure can all contribute to miscommunication. For example, my wife knows that after a long day of ministry I need some time to unwind, so it is best to wait an hour or so before we have a serious discussion. The last point is that you give grace to those who hear you. Grace can refer to communicating forgiveness when your spouse wrongs you in some way. Grace can also refer to your tone, where you communicate with graciousness, not harshly. Third, grace can refer to the giving of blessing to the person who you communicate.
Take some time to think through the principles God gives us in this verse. Ask your spouse how he/she thinks you are doing in each of these areas, and make a commitment to change the way you talk to the most important person in your life next to God.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Religion in America

The Pew Research Center just released the results of their "U.S. Religious Knowledge Survey" and it paints a pretty bleak picture. It found that Americans are incredibly ignorant of their own religion. In fact, it found that atheists know the most about religion, followed by Jews, Mormons, and then evangelical Protestants! Fewer than half of American Catholics are able to name Genesis as the first book of the Bible. Only 28% of evangelical Protestants know that the Bible teaches salvation through faith alone, and only a slight majority of Catholics can identify their church's doctrine on communion. Less than half of Protestants know that Martin Luther inspired the Reformation, but 70% of Jews know that fact.
The survey also reveals how much Americans misunderstand what the Constitution teaches about restrictions on religion. This is something I have dealt with repeatedly over the years as my children attended public school from 7th through 12th grades. Only 36% of survey respondents knew a public school teacher may teach a comparative religion class, and only 23% knew that a teacher may teach the Bible as literature. Yet the Supreme Court has ruled teachers may do both.
Knowing the Bible not only provides understanding of God's view of life and life eternal, but a host of other issues. Theology is all about knowing what God says about who He is, who you are, and how you can live as a child, spouse, parent, employer, employee, etc. If you have a question about what is moral, what is true, what is false, what matters most, you can find that in the Word of God. To neglect the knowledge of God through His word is to misundestand eveything that can bring blessing your life.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My Greatest Frustration in Marriage Counseling

If there is one thing that frustrates me as I work with couples, it is when a husband does nothing but complain about his wife, and the wife does nothing but complain about him. Everything said is about the problems, short comings, and failures of the other person. The pronouns used aren't I or me, but he, she, you. Obviously when a couple comes to see me in counseling, things have reached a level of difficulty you may not have reached. But how much do you focus on the problems with your spouse, and how much do you focus on you own contributions to the struggles in your relationship?

Jesus talked about our natural tendency to spend more time looking at what the other person is doing to cause a problem but ignore our own contribution to the problem. In Matthew 7:3-5 He says, "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. about the speck in the other person's eye." The message of Jesus is clear, put your emphasis on what you need to work on, and what is happening in your own heart first.


Are you in a relationship that is struggling? Do you find yourself increasingly focused on the faults and failures of the other person. Are you frustrated with your inability to change him/her? The only person you can change is yourself. And changing yourself means seeking God's power to work on your heart. Here is a prayer from God's word that can make a difference as it puts the emphasis on what God can do in your life: "Search me O God, and know my heart, try me and know my anxious thoughts, and see if there be any hurful way in me, and lead me in your everlasting way," Psalm 139:23-24.

Blessings,
Dr. Paul