Many couples spend a lot of time and money to prepare for, and enjoy, their wedding ceremony and wedding day. And certainly it is a special day for every couple who marries. A time to express their commitment to each other in front of family and friends. A day to celebrate as they begin a new family.
As important as the wedding is, it is only one day. I wish couples would spend more time not just preparing for their wedding, but for their marriage. What do I mean? Getting solid, in-depth, pre-marital counseling. Many churches today require couples to attend at least a couple of sessions with the pastor, on in a group class for larger churches, or with another counselor.
This is a great start, but I encourage all couples to do more than just a couple of sessions with their pastor, or in a group setting. There are a lot of issues and potential problems that can be missed or glossed over in these instances. When you think about the life-long commitment a couple enters into with marriage, it makes sense for them to get to know as much as they can about each other. Having a pastor or counselor to meet with the couple for at least 6 to 8 sessions just with that couple can make a huge difference in helping both the man and the woman enter their marriage with both eyes open about each other.
When I lead a couple in pre-marital counseling, I make sure we discuss the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship, their families of origin and their impact on the marriage, communication, conflict resolution, money, sex, children and parenting, future in-law relationships, personality issues, just to name a few. I also get the couple to commit to being willing to delay or cancel the wedding if at any point either of them have serious questions or concerns about getting married to the other. The hassle and embarassment of delaying or cancelling the wedding are nothing compared to the heart ache of divorce.
In my 25 years of ministry experience, I have found that taking the time, effort, and money to get this kind of counseling makes a big difference in the future success of any marriage.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Living Together Before Marriage = Higher Divorce
This week a new study by the U.S. Center for Disease Control was released which compared couples who lived together before marriage with those who wait until they marry. For the last few decades many people believe that it is better to live together and try things out before making the committment to marriage. This way, you can see how things work out and avoid going through the pain of divorce. But this new study confirms a truth I have counselled and taught for years, that living together before marriage actually decreases the chances of a long marraige. Among women who lived with their first husband before getting married, they had a 61% chance of their marriage lasting 10 years. This compares with a 66% chance for women who did not live with their first husband. This study was based on a survey of men and women for the National Survey of Family Growth.
The study also looked at couples who got engaged before moving in together. The researchers concluded that this step made a big difference in the ultimate success of the couple's marriage. It found that women who were engaged before cohabiting had a 10 percent better chance of having a 10 year marriage, and engaged men had an 18% better chance compared to those who were not engaged before living together.
So the question is, why is it a problem to live together before marriage? The biggest problem comes down to one word, committment. When a man and woman move in together before marriage, it is a conditional arrangement. The idea is that I will stay with you as long as it works for me, and you meet my needs. If things start going bad, "I am outta here." And of course, there is the issue of sex. One of the most popular excuses for living together I hear is, "We need to make sure we are sexually compatible, that we can have a good sex life." I have news for you, this sexual compatiblity idea is one of the biggest jokes out there. You take a man and a woman and put them in bed, and it will happen. God made it that way. Not only that, researchers have consistently demonstrated that couples who live together have a less satisfying sex life than couples who wait to be married. Why? It is the difference between conditional verses unconditional love. When you live together first, it is a conditional committment. When you make the commitment to be married first, you are saying to your partner, "I love you unconditionally, and my commitment to you is not dependent on how you perform in bed." That gives the couple the freedom to enjoy sexual intimacy without the pressure of "if you don't perform, I am outta here."
Studies also show that couples who get married first have less conflict and more agreement on major issues compared to couples who live together first. I submit that the reason for this is again, the unconditional basis of the commitment for the married couple. Their relationship operates with the understanding that if we have a problem, because we are married, we will work it out because we are here to stay. Compare that to the conditional basis of the relationship of the co-habiting couple.
Commitment makes all the difference, as shown in this CDC study. You see it even with couples who get engaged before living together. I would argue that if you really want to give your relationship the absolute best chance to thrive for the long haul, go beyond simply being enaged before you cohabit. Go for the ultimate unconditional expression of love and commitment you can only get through being married before you live together.
Isn't it interesting that CDC spent all of this time, money, and effort to demonstrate something God communicated through Scripture many centuries ago.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
The study also looked at couples who got engaged before moving in together. The researchers concluded that this step made a big difference in the ultimate success of the couple's marriage. It found that women who were engaged before cohabiting had a 10 percent better chance of having a 10 year marriage, and engaged men had an 18% better chance compared to those who were not engaged before living together.
So the question is, why is it a problem to live together before marriage? The biggest problem comes down to one word, committment. When a man and woman move in together before marriage, it is a conditional arrangement. The idea is that I will stay with you as long as it works for me, and you meet my needs. If things start going bad, "I am outta here." And of course, there is the issue of sex. One of the most popular excuses for living together I hear is, "We need to make sure we are sexually compatible, that we can have a good sex life." I have news for you, this sexual compatiblity idea is one of the biggest jokes out there. You take a man and a woman and put them in bed, and it will happen. God made it that way. Not only that, researchers have consistently demonstrated that couples who live together have a less satisfying sex life than couples who wait to be married. Why? It is the difference between conditional verses unconditional love. When you live together first, it is a conditional committment. When you make the commitment to be married first, you are saying to your partner, "I love you unconditionally, and my commitment to you is not dependent on how you perform in bed." That gives the couple the freedom to enjoy sexual intimacy without the pressure of "if you don't perform, I am outta here."
Studies also show that couples who get married first have less conflict and more agreement on major issues compared to couples who live together first. I submit that the reason for this is again, the unconditional basis of the commitment for the married couple. Their relationship operates with the understanding that if we have a problem, because we are married, we will work it out because we are here to stay. Compare that to the conditional basis of the relationship of the co-habiting couple.
Commitment makes all the difference, as shown in this CDC study. You see it even with couples who get engaged before living together. I would argue that if you really want to give your relationship the absolute best chance to thrive for the long haul, go beyond simply being enaged before you cohabit. Go for the ultimate unconditional expression of love and commitment you can only get through being married before you live together.
Isn't it interesting that CDC spent all of this time, money, and effort to demonstrate something God communicated through Scripture many centuries ago.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
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