Tragic Loss

This week was one of the saddest of my ministry. And once again, it involved the loss of a police officer killed in the line of duty. Officer Chris Jones of the Middletown Police was pinned under his police car after it was struck by a careless, speeding driver. I did not know officer Jones when the day began, but I got to know him quickly after recieving a call from the Bucks County Critical Incident Response Team. I serve as a chaplain on the team, and we respond to Police, Fire, and EMS departments when they have faced a tragic or critical incident, often involving the serious injury of death of one of their members in the line of duty. My heart goes out to his wife, Suzanne, and their three children who now must deal with his death and life without him, along with his fellow squad members and the entire MPD. An incident like this evokes a response in me on a number of levels. The bravery of those willing to wear the uniform and badge who stand in harm's way for all of us. The recklessness of those unwilling to slow down and take the time to be safe. The tragis loss of a young man who was simply doing his job, and from what I have been told, did it with great passion and concern for others.
One of the things God has spoken to my heart in all of this is how fragile life is. When officer Jones left Thursday morning for work, he never knew that it would be his last. When I left for my office on that same morning, I did not know I would be asked to minister in a situation where there are no pat answers, easy words, or satisfying explanations. I came home on Thursday evening exhausted, drained, but determined. Determined to hug my wife harder, to spend more time with my family, and to never take them for granted. You just never know. Determined to live every moment God gives me to the fullest and for His glory. Pray for this family, for his fellow officers, and for me as the one thing they need is to know our God's love, care, and provision for them as our refuge and strength, and ever present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1).
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

TV Bad Even for Primates

Officials at the St. Petersburg Zoo in Russia thought they had a great idea: they would educate the zoo's orangutans about family life by letting them watch TV. But the humans may have learned more from the primates. Zoo officials discovered that instead of becoming more family oriented, the male orangutan became so absorbed with watching television that he began to ignore his mate. This upset the female organutan so much that officials rethought their plan. According to zoo director Ivan Korneyev, the television was removed in order to restore family unity and keep the family together. Who says we can't learn something from the apes? Something to think about with the end of the another season of football. No word on whether the male or female organutan used the clicker more.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul

The Latest "Goodbye Daddy"

This week Phyllis and I took our daughter Stephanie to JFK airport in NYC for her trip to Spain where she will spend a semester studying in the city of Seville. She has been very excited about this trip and has been working on it for months. But for Dad, it was a very bittersweet moment as we hugged her, watched her get through security, and then walk up the steps, turn andwave one last time, and walk out of view. For all of the sermons I have preached on Christian parenting (parents, God has given us our children and we are stewards who are raising them to become adults who will follow Jesus on their own) and the hours of counseling I do with parents who are struggling with their own teens (you have to decide what battles are worth fighting, don't smother your kids, etc.), it is still hard saying goodbye and letting go. She is, and always be, the only girl who can call me "Daddy." I have two sons who I love just as much, and Paul is away at college. But he is only 6 hours away, and I know if I needed to get to him in an emergency, I can jump in the car and get there quickly. The protective instinct just seems to be different when it is your daughter, and she is an ocean away in a country where I can barely speak the language. Add to this that she just turned 21, is in love with a guy (he is a good catch, but this is MY daughter we are talking about), and you have a dad who is feeling bittersweet as he watches his little girl be the independent young woman living for Jesus that he helped raise her to become. So, pastor and counselor, it is time to remind myself of all that I have preached, counseled, read in God's word, and wrestled with God in prayer about as my kids have been growing up and come to Him again in prayer. I need to talk to Him about my mixed emotions, my conflicting desires to keep my kids close but wanting them to live their lives as He leads them. And I need to enjoy reading her blog, skyping with her and Paul, exchanging emails, and enjoying the extra time I can spend with Andrew, along with the extra time Phyllis and I can spend together as we prepare for an empty nest in the next few years.

Teens and Abstinence

If you are a parent of teens, like I am, you are concerned about helping your children make good decisions when it comes to sex. A new government supported research study from the Heritage Foundation found that teens who abstain from sex share some common characteristics. The National Longitudinal Survey of Adolescent Health found 8 personality traits and behaviors that were associated with abstinence (as well as acacdemic achievement):
-Willingness to postpone current pleasures for larger future rewards
-A "future orientation," with a focus on long-term goals
-Perseverance, meaning the ability to stick to a task or commitment
-A belief that current behavior can positively affect the future
-Impulse control, including the ability to control emotions and desires
-Resistance to peer pressure
-Respect for parental and social values
-Sense of self-worth and personal dignity

According to a summary of the study in U.S. News and World Report, abistinence is also associated with better physical and mental health in all socioeconomic groups. Youth who make abstinence decisions are far more likely to attend and graduate from college compared to those who are sexually active.

As I look over these personality and behavior straits, I am stuck by the fact that each one is found in one book of the Bible, the book of Proverbs. Talk to your youth pastor about doing a series based in that book. If you have a pre-teen, take some time to read from that book together with you child. Spend some time reading it yourself to gain insight into how to instill these qualities in your children, and most importantly, model them yourself as their parent!

Time for Dinner

One of the most common questions I get asked is how did you keep your kids from getting into serious trouble. I think there are a number of reasons for this, the least of which is my abilities as a parent! One thing we did do right, which is now confirmed by a number of research studies, is that we put a priority on eating dinner together as a family. Studies demonstrate that when a family eats dinner together on a regular basis, children do better in school, have a lower drop out rate, are less likely to engage in pre-marital sex, substance abuse, and destructive behavior. Children also are better behaved and report having a closer relationship with their family and have a stronger sense of family idenity.

Why does this make such a difference? Think about it for a minute. There is something about sharing a meal with someone that helps promote conversation in a more relaxed setting. Having dinner together also means you guarantee a time when everyone can be together and express what is happening in their life. In a world where everyone is going in a million different directions, having shared experiences on a regular basis is vital for your family. When America was a farm based society, families would spend the majority of their time together accomplishing the many tasks necessary on the farm. Now, Mom and Dad work in different locations, kids often come home to an empty house, and with computers, cell phones, and X-Box, when parents are home, eveyone is often doing their own thing.

We tried not to be too rigid, but we strove for having dinner together 5 out of 7 nights a week. Impossible, you say? Not at all, it means making your dinner time together a prioirty and something to protect. This meant that I had to make getting home from the office at a decent time a priority. If the kids had a practice and we could not adjust dinner time enough, we would tell the coach that our kid would be late to the practice. When the phone would ring during dinner, we would let the answering machine get it.

Make having dinner together a priority, you and your family will be stonger for it.

New Year Priorities

Happy New Year, and welcome to the first post in my new blog. The purpose of this blog is to encourage people to think about marriage and family issues, and to give people counsel, help, and hope. Let me begin by asking you a question, what is important to you?

As we begin a New Year, let me encourage you not to make a resolution, but to simply look over two things, your check book and your date book. Billy Graham is quoted as saying, "You can tell what is important to someone by looking at two things, their datebook and their checkbook." Sounds good to me, so take an honest look at them. As you do this, look at how many entries involve your marriage and your family. Maybe you will find more entries than most people that relate to your spouse and your kids.

If you really have some guts, let me challenge you to do one more thing. Ask your spouse, ask your kids how they think you are doing investing yourself in their lives. Do they feel like they are a priority in your life, or do they feel like they get the leftovers? We all tend to think we are better than we really are, so probably their answer to the question is more accurate than your own self perception.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

Blessings,
Dr. Paul